Friday, March 28, 2008


4) Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and--most notably--a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.

You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

Of course this question is not just...would you allow him to play in the NFL. It had to involve the Raiders. It's so perfect. It makes the question that much better but still kind of stupid. So I'm this guy (hmmm, maybe that's me in 20 years running the CFL (read on for that to make more sense)) and the Raiders want to sign a 700 pound, highly communicative gorilla....not gonna happen. Sorry Al (Raiders owner is Al Davis...right?) but even a 700 pound ape wouldn't help you win any more games...and what if the gorilla "accidentally" crushes someone like Peyton Manning? Then I'm the one who ruined a Hall of Famer's career by allowing a giant gorilla to play in the NFL. I don't want to have to deal with something like that....oh yea, sorry, maybe that gorilla move was a bad idea. Whoops!

No comments: