Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I think it's time...hahaha

No but really. I laugh because this post is about patience, being in a hurry, always being concerned with time...and how that's been popping up in front of me more and more as of late. Its also time for my next tattoo...I think.

A good friend of mine just posted about time, and how time moves and is viewed differently depending on where we are physically, and where we are mentally. For her, she was physically in the Caribbean and mentally on vacation. Time was so liquid and so irrelevant, for the most part...until she got back home, to Seattle, and was met with impatience of everyday life in the big city. For me, for some time now, I've been mentally on vacation and physically sitting on my ass at home. As was the case for my friend, time has been liquid, irrelevant, trivial. The days kind of blur together and I sometimes don't know if today was Monday, or if Monday comes tomorrow...or if it was yesterday. Unfortunately, that's not quite as relaxing as being on vacation and having the importance of time slowly fade away with the wake of the cruise ship...but I can empathize with her and share some of my own positive experiences.

Awhile back I posted about hupomone, the Greek word for patience. Now I'm not going to get up on my pedestal and tell you I never get impatient or act impulsively because that would be pompous, self righteous and flat out not true. I have however, really learned to be more patient in numerous aspects of my life and it always brings a little smile to my face when I realize my patience. Most often its in my car, where I used to be Mr. Impatient, but now I tend to just go with the flow and usually don't let traffic, or "idiot" drivers get the best of my temper or my patience. I just crack a small smile, laugh to myself that this used to piss me off something fierce, and continue on as my surrounding factors allow me to.

Recently what's helped with this even more was something I read, which said 60 mph is the ideal, or maybe max speed, at which you maximize your miles per gallon...and that even going 65 mph, a mere five miles per hour faster, is equivalent to that gallon of gas costing you another $0.30 per gallon. Geez! So instead of that fantastic last fill up being $2.79/gallon, it was more like $3.09 or more when I'm in a hurry in my car. So now I try to just cruise at 60 mph, and my driving irritations have been reduced to those people who think 50 mph is an acceptable freeway speed when there's no traffic, and the guy who cuts me off so he can pass one more car before he gets back over into far right lane to get off at the (only 100 feet to the) upcoming exit. Why do so many people feel the need to pass one more car before exiting the freeway? I don't get it.

So patience is a learned skill...and one worth having the patience to acquire :)

Speaking of waiting, I've been wanting some new ink pretty much since I left the shop with my first tattoo back in March/April of 2007. My first tattoo was somewhat spontaneous, but I'm very happy with what I chose, because it means something to me. I'm proud to have the first initials of my father (D), mother (K), sister (S), and brother (A) permanently wrapping my left forearm with a nautical star in between each letter. At the time I didn't know this, but the nautical star has many meanings, one of which is traced to old days of nautical navigation where sailors would get the star as "means of bringing good luck to guide them home." Another meaning comes from those serving in the military who get the star as a symbol for "finding one's path home" or the symbolic meaning of "finding ones way in life." So for me, its a symbol to me that no matter where I am, or where they are, my family represents home. The buildings and cities may change, but they will always be home. So I lucked out that the "cool looking star" I wanted, also has some relevant and meaningful symbolism with the rest of my tattoo.

Those simple letters and symbols have great significance to me, and I wanted my next tattoo to have just as much meaning. That's meant waiting to discover or create my next tattoo. I'm still not entirely sure what it will look like, but its becoming more and more clear to me what elements I want included...and that the artistic stylization I can discuss with the tattoo artist. Learning to be more patient has been very important and helpful to me, and its one of those universal truths that I think we often overlook. Being patient is hard, but worth it. So I want the word hupomone included in my next tattoo, as well as the Greek word for the kind of love that is divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful...agape. I really like that definition too, and that word has been with me since a youth trip back in high school. From that same trip, there was a cross that hung from a necklace all of the youth received while at the conference we attended. It was a very unique cross that now hangs on my wall as a beautifully carved piece of wood. My mother had it made for me, and it reminds me of that amazing trip (which she came on with me) and is a tangible example of agape in my life. So while I don't have much yet on how these elements will all fit together to make an aesthetically pleasing tattoo, I know they mean a lot to me and that's really all that matters.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A good indicator...

So these pics aren't of the current beard but they are past pictures that will give you a good idea of what the ol' beard looks like before I get rid of it and deny it the chance to burst forth into its current awesome glory. So enjoy these for now...

This may be my favorite picture of me...ever.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

They grow on you...

Beards do. Literally. Well maybe not you but all over my face. I'm growing out my beard in preparation for halloween and have mixed feelings about it. Beards are wicked cool. There is no denying that. I feel however, that my beard is somewhat lacking in awesome. Its too scraggly...or something. I'd prefer a nice, sleek looking beard...like um...Abe Lincoln...or someone equally as awesome. It also keeps my face warm in this biting cold front that has settled in over Seattle. Sometimes it itches, but other than that I guess my beard rocks.

Its been a week or so since I last shaved, and I usually don't go too much longer before I tame my facial beast of beardliness...but for now it stays through halloween...maybe even on into "no shave" november. I've always wanted to do that but never have.

Hmmmm...I recommend you grow a beard if you can. They kick ass.

That's all :)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

How I Met Your Mother

I love Mondays. At least lately. Mondays have meant putt putt, Heroes, How I Met Your Mother, and my new favorite show, Raising the Bar. It also can mean Prost! trivia night. For the second week in a row Drinks On The Links (DOTL) was canceled because of the nasty Monday weather we seem to keep getting. Well...I like the rain so I don't mind, but I would like to play our last round of putt putt in our super hero costumes so c'mon rain give us a break!!

Instead, because of the weather, I went to Prost! for trivia. I met my friend Jason there who's incredibly smart. Just the two of us and we finished tied for 2nd out of six teams. The winning team, who we only lost to by five points, had nine people on their team. So I felt pretty good about our performance, pretty happy with the tasty bier and pretty content with the rainy weather.

I also watched HIMYM and it dealt with significant changes facing the main characters. Most of them were moving: some were moving into a new home to start their new married life together, one was moving out of state (ok NJ is still close to NY but its NJ so...) to move in with his fiancee and her seven year old daughter, and the other was moving to Japan for a new job. They were packing up the apartment shared by three of them, and in the process ended up reminiscing about all the good times they shared in the apartment. So needless to say it got me thinking about how I'm preparing to move soon, start a new job (oh I hope that happens soon) and how many good times I've had in my current residence. I love to reminisce with friends about the good times we've had because it gives you a nice, natural high...that warm fuzzy feeling. And I like that feeling.

Looking back I remember: the numerous times people have slept in the Harry Potter closet, the countless games of HORSE in the garage with the Nerf hoop, the familiar games we've played, and the new ones we've come to love and/or invent (The The Game, Drunk Driver-High Jack, Celebrity, Three Man, Jungle Speed, etc), all the good men we've lost while struggling to fight the good fight...and win each round of Halo (hahaha), how hard we've rocked Guitar Hero & Rock Band, the silly fun we've had with the Wii and "cut the rope," mario kart, tennis, bowling and bungie buddies, the birthday parties, the impromptu luaus, the "for no reason other than its a Friday night" parties, the new friends we've made and the conversation we've had with them, the injuries we've sustained, the chairs we've broken (oh wait...that's just me :D), the way we all knew how to break in through the back door, the "gangsta" food we've eaten, the TV shows we've eagerly waited for and happily watched, the things we've built (and then had to watch them break because of freak garage door accidents), the pranks we've pulled, the movie nights we started...and never quite finished, the friends that have stayed the night/weekend, and the friends that we'll always have no matter where we live.

I do feel its time to move on, but these past 18 or so months have been a blast. I was talking about this to a friend the other day how there's always been "the boys' house" within our group of friends and how when Goldie Bear & I move out on our own...that won't exist anymore. First all four of us single (well one was engaged but not married so he's single for all intensive purposes) guys lived together in the Greenlake house. Man we had some good times there too. Fa sho. Then one of us got married, another engaged and married and the two remaining single guys have been living together at what has been the new version of "the boys' house." Its where we congregate, be around friends, be ourselves, and just have a good time. I hope that even without "the boys' house" we'll all still hang out just as much and form just as many good memories as we have at the other places. I hope we will and don't see any reason why it wouldn't continue...but it will be different and a little weird at first.

Life changes, so often and in so many ways, and I'm just grateful that while so much around us changes, that one thing has stayed the same...my Seattle friends. I have some great friends who don't live as close, and I love them just as much as my friends here, but in a different way. I've known this all along, but its just recently set in just how much they all mean to me. Part of it is time has taken them a little further away, part of it is some of them are temporarily hundreds of miles away on a cruise and I miss them, and part of it is I'm not sure how often we'll all be able to get together after "the boys' house" is no more. So to my Seattle peeps (and those two that fled the country then moved to Olympia :P), the longtime friends and the new ones that I've made recently...I love you all dearly and am extremely grateful to have you all so close and see you so often...even if its not always as often as I'd like :)

Monday, October 13, 2008

So sleepy...

Warning...I'm about to whine about not getting enough sleep this weekend even though I can sleep in tomorrow, and tuesday, and wednesday, and...just FYI.

I had a good weekend. And yes, I did not get to sleep past 8:30 on either day so I'm quite sleepy.

As much fun as it is to recount my weekend, that's not what this blog is about. I had a good time with some friends, and got to attend the (sadly disappointing) Seahawks game with a friend I hadn't seen in months...so a very fun weekend indeed.

This evening I finally had some time to myself, and while I did spend some of it passing out in the recliner, then the sofa, then the floor (amazing chili cheese nachos induced coma/not enough sleep the night before), I also just zoned out in front of the TV and let my mind wander. I still feel like my brain is in overdrive and I'm not sure why. Well I have plenty of things going on to keep my mind busy, but I'm not sure what triggered it this evening. Typically a movie, or a good talk with someone will get the ol' noggin thinking but it was just me and bad TV tonight. So I'm still puzzled with why my mind is racing right now...

Perhaps life is a giant game of chess. There's lots of different "pieces" to life and right now I feel like the pieces are scattered in the dark. I can't see where everything is, and because of that I don't know which moves to make, or which pieces to move. That sounded far too doom &l gloom. Just trying to speak metaphorically about my life right now and how there's so much uncertainty surrounding me. Seems like that's all I post about anymore, but hopefully some of those pieces will start "falling into place" or at least start moving in the right direction.

For me right now, I'm not entirely sure what that right direction is but I do believe that it means moving. I'm hoping this will happen by the end of November, but I need a job first before I can move so first things first. If you do know of any great places (looking to live alone for the first time!), please let me know. I'm really hoping that this struggle to get a new job (to even find the motivation to get off my ass and look for work) is the biggest obstacle, and that the other things will start falling in place after I clear that first hurdle. Not saying that I expect things to magically work out for me, or that it will be easy, but I have this feeling. A feeling that involves me kicking my own ass even harder than I have been (or have been trying to do), and how that's going to translate to good things...a new, enjoyable job, a new place to live, a new sense of positive change.

Maybe step one wasn't finding a new job...maybe it was getting a positive outlook for what's to come. I've not necessarily been negative, but I've definitely not bee overly optimistic. Just kind of "meh" about it all. Well tomorrow is the start of a new week, filled with new opportunities and I think a positive outlook is about as good a start as I could have hoped for :)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

technically its tuesday

i said i'd blog more today...monday...and for me it still is monday even though technically its tuesday by 36 minutes. my blog. my rules. my awesome :)

i feel surprisingly refreshed and hopeful today. not that i was destitute or anything, but there's been a lot of me sitting around, being lazy, feeling sorry for myself that i'm unemployed and just an overall patheticness that ends right now.

i don't know why i am the way that i am...but i'm done with sitting around and being mopey about it. the odd thing is nothing particularly good, or special, or unique happened today. i slept in. watched some tv. ate some ramen for lunch. napped. worked on my itunes library. chatted with my roommate a bit about football. but i did just watch forgetting sarah marshall. and sadly i was a little let down. it ended up being one of those movies where everyone tells you its hilarious and awesome and the soooooooooo good...then you watch it, and its not bad, but it doesn't live up to the hype. that being said, i'm still glad i watched it...even tho (as I was warned) there was far too much frontal male nudity. anyway...movies always make me think, and this one was no different.

i'm not going to give a rundown of the movie and how it somewhat parallels my life right now...sort of. i used to do that. but meh. i'm over that. it just felt like a real movie...except for the lead female being a famous movie star and her new bf being a famous rock star...but other than that :) it helped me realize that you can only move forward...if you move forward. sitting around, whining, and feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me anywhere. and while i appreciated the help from my mother, and suggestions from others, nothing was going to happen until i wanted to make it happen. so simple and yet so difficult to see, and ultimately grasp.

so tomorrow i'm implementing the rule i set for myself when i got laid off: up by 9, job hunt, apply, etc until noon or so (at minimum), then do something constructive each day, if not job hunt more. such constructive things could be cleaning my room, doing dishes, cleaning the bathroom (ugh and eww!), actually using those free weights in the garage, reading a book, going for a run, volunteering, or just bettering myself in some way physically, spiritually or emotionally. as i was typing this i was reminded of a scene from Garden State, and went and looked up the quote. it doesn't fit perfectly, but i think its adapts fairly well...

"This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better."

This is my life. i'm 25 and feel its time for a change, whatever that change may be...and things aren't just going to change on their own. I can't keep waiting for things to get better, I need to do something...get proactive in my own life...so the first change is gonna be with me, because really that's all there is to change. I can change my job, or my house, or my car, clothes, shampoo, music taste...whatever...but to really make a change you gotta start within. For me that means being more self-confident, taking some initiative and holding myself accountable. Now I don't mean to "too my own horn" but I think I got a pretty good base person going on here, I just need to tweak a few things...and find a freaking job.

So that's what's up with me right now. On a monday, that's actually a tuesday, i'm taking the first step towards the next chapter of my life...and for the first time since I got laid off, i'm excited to get started.

Excited to shake shake, shake shake, shake it (up)...a little :)

Monday, October 6, 2008

shake, shake...shake, shake....shake it

"shake it" is this new song i downloaded...well it was released in 2007...but its new to me. and i love it. its upbeat. fun. makes me want to dance. all good things in a song...for me. its by Metro Station and i recommend you give it a listen.

its almost 2am right now i don't feel like staying up much later...which means any blog of real length and substance will have to wait until tomorrow. i did want to make a quick post tho about how i'm ready (i hope) to shake things up a bit in my life. in a good way. in a committed, accountable, positive change kind of way. i'll talk more about it in the next post but seeing as its now monday, i felt compelled to "shake it up" a little right now.

i also deleted my other blog, for those of you who read it. it was another glorious example of when it comes to myself, i have the best intentions but a disappointing resolve for follow through. my blog was going to follow my progress as i started to eat healthier, exercise more and lose weight. the blog and the objective failed...but as part of the shake up i'm hoping to start making improvements in that arena and didn't want the failed blog lingering. and it just didn't feel right, or good, or whatever to ressurect the old blog with my new "shake up."

stay tuned for more on shaking action soon!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

What is the f***?

Good freaking question. And a funny inside joke (what up Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!?!?!).

I've gone from unemployed, to unsure about what I want to next to so paralyzed by uncertainty that I'm doing nothing. I hate this. I'm stuck in the revolving door of fear and the unknown...which only prevents me from doing anything to move forward and feel better...to release the stress...to remove this self-imposed burden.

I need a job. I want a job because sitting at home all day everyday lost its appeal over two weeks ago. I don't know what I want to do next though. And that, mixed with my own inability to self-motivate, has caused me to do virtually nothing to find work. I baffle myself. At times I can be highly motivated, and the complete opposite of lazy...and yet right now those attributes are nowhere in sight.

If that weren't bad enough, or maybe this is another part of the problem but on a deeper level, I feel as though life is moving forward for everyone around me...but for me its standing still. Warning: I'm not being dramatic...but I feel as though life is moving forward for everyone around me...and yet I'm standing still. Everyone in my sphere is making progress towards something...work, careers, relationships, hobbies...something. New jobs, kicking ass at the job they've had for awhile, getting married, being married and taking the next step...starting a family...something good, something wonderful, something moving them forward.

Odd enough I'm not looking for pity here. I know I have plenty "going for me," as cliche as that is to say. If I sat down, worked hard and applied myself I'm sure I'd find a job in no time and be on my way. But again the problem is I don't know what I want to do. So its really hard to completely throw myself behind something...when I don't know what that something is. That's tough. I was kind of here before when I was working for WaMu and was thinking about quitting. Then I found out I was going to be laid off, then was offered basically the same job at Wells Fargo...and there was nothing else on the radar...so I took the new job. Then I got laid off again, only this time there's no fall back job. No safety net. Wouldn't be as bad if this wasn't the second time I was laid off in four month.

Getting laid off sucks no matter what, but unfortunately (and yet fortunately at the same time), I'm experiencing this alone. It seems like everyone around me...and I mean everyone...has someone "significant" to turn to right now...whether that be a new boy/girlfriend, an established partner, a wife, husband or even a best friend. Again, not looking for pity, but I don't have any of those. No wife, no girlfriend, no "prospects" (for lack of a better term) in sight, and I have good friends, but no one I consider my best friend. Not sure that I've ever had a "best friend" though. Lots of good friends...great friends...even people that were my best of friends...but really no best friend. Luckily though, I don't have someone relying on me to bring home a paycheck. No family depending on me to provide. So that's a small comfort in all this.

Who knows how much of this made sense. I've got a nice little beer buzz going and so this could very well just be incoherent babbling. I know I'm typing this, but that part of me that decides whether this is good idea to post for public viewing or not is still busy drinking those Coronas. Then again maybe I know what I'm doing and just need to let all this internal confusion, frustration and fear out into the open...get it out there and hope that it helps.

Only tomorrow will tell...