Friday, November 6, 2009

c'est la vie

i don't speak for a few more-or-less useless phrases like "you are my little cabbage head." i am however, familiar with the french phrase c'est la vie, which translates as "that's life." a rather simple phrase that is often used to some up complex situations and/or feelings in an easy way. and typically you really have no control over the's just the way it is...and that's life. yep. if you've read this blog enough you probably know that my generalities almost always relate directly to something with me, and this lesson in french is no different.

i'm struggling to get this out of my head, organized and coherent for people to read without making it sound like a pity party. that's not what i'm looking for and that's not the point of this at all. this is a way for me to get my thoughts out, to think about and sort through them in a constructive way. so, having said that and to steal a phrase that's probably not really applicable, why always the bridesmaid and never the bride? yes. i just said that. not a perfect metaphor, but the right idea so i'll explain. not to say i haven't had my successes, but more times than i'd like to recount, i'm the guy that the ladies think is a great friend, but don't want to date. and it's never something i did or didn't do, but "the spark" just isn't there. i've never doubted the sincerity of these talks, for they've all felt very genuine, but it was something i didn't do...i didn't deliver "the spark." why can't i deliver that spark?

i have least i think i have. granted i've broken up with all the girlfriends i've had, but based on the reactions at the time of those talks, it seems like "the spark" was there. that sounds awful to actually say, but you know what i mean? if that spark wasn't there, then breaking up wouldn't have been so hard to do...or hard to take, right? i just don't know. i do tho that the last two girls i've been into have had the "you're great, but i don't want to date you" talk. both times i sensed it was coming but it sucked nonetheless. i do appreciate the honesty tho. i really do. sadly i've lost touch with the first, but i think that's mostly because she was ready to be done with seattle and i moved away so our common ground of seattle was fleeting. most recently it all came to be and came to an end quickly. because of my lack of luck i didn't let myself get too excited, but it was hard to contain it completely. rather quickly tho i felt that all too familiar change in the air, and knew something wasn't quite right. i was right. damn. thankfully tho, her upfrontness and honesty will definitely save our friendship. so essentially no harm no foul.

now i didn't share all this to make these women feel bad if they read this. not at all. i wish them no ill-will or anything like that. i simply was using personal examples to illustrate my point that this has happened to me...both recently and in the past. and while it's true that it's nothing i did or didn't do...i'm the one who didn't deliver that spark. maybe it was never supposed to be there, so i never had a fighting chance...maybe the timing was wrong, either i missed my chance or it's still yet to come...maybe the spark is there but i just haven't met the right woman yet. i just don't know. and not knowing. is. the worst. i guess that's what's so funny and so great about can't always make sense of it. when it's not right, it's just not right no matter how perfect it may seem "on paper." adversely tho, when it is right (and maybe this is the sappy romantic in me but...), that spark will be evident and make it so worth the ups and downs that lead you to her.

i was going to end it there but something funny just happened. as i sat down to blog i was thinking about the phrase c'est la vie and it's english translation. that's life. i happen to know and own a song by Michael Bublé called "That's Life." I listened to it and pulled this quote out from the start of the song...

"that's life. that's what all the people say. ridin' high in april. shot down in may. i know i'm gonna change that tune...when i'm back on top in june. i say that's life. as funny as that may seem."

after listening to the song i decided to listen to the album from the start and have had it playing while i typed away. just as i finished my last thought about "the spark" and how it's worth waiting for, "that's life" came on again and i couldn't help but laugh to myself. i don't necessarily believe in fate, but i don't really believe in coincidences either. so that song coming on at that exact moment it did...too perfect.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


Oh the joys of not having a car. I currently find myself sitting at the Starbucks across the parking lot from work. No car meant getting dropped off at work today and therefore must wait for a ride home. No big deal (nbd) because it did give me a chance to get a refill on my iced black tea and dust off the ol' mobile blogging app on my phone. So there's the starbucks explanation from the title.

Huh? I thought the title was Superstarbucks? Truth. Also true is this fun math puzzle - superstar + starbucks = superstarbucks. Ohhhh...I get it now! The superstaryness of this math problem relates to work where outstandingness is rewarded with being named superstar of the month. I was not named this...yet. I have been working a lot this week tho, working closely with management and working my butt off. I also just interviewed for a promotion to become the replenishment supervisor. Turns out it's even more important of a position than I had thought, even tho I did realize just how crucial this role is in the general functioning and success of the store. All that and it's reallly only a part time position! I do feel really good about my chances about getting the job since one of the asst. managers told me I should apply and I clicked well with the interim manager who did the interview.

So this would definitely qualify as me getting off my ass and not being so lazy. That and putting in a 40 hour work week for the first time since the end of June. Feels good to be pushig forward and challenging myself rather than staying in my comfortable little bubble. Guess we'll just have to wait and see if this newfound application of myself will pay immediate dividends. In the meantime...Sounders FC on Saturday!!!

-- iPhone'd

Monday, October 12, 2009

the good life

i spent my entire sunday being lazy. i watched a lot of football and just laid low. it was nice. to finish off my lazy sunday i watched a movie. the good life. there may be several movies with this title, as it seems like a fairly common name, but this one dealt with life in a football crazy town in nebraska. crazy about a fictional college football team, tho i think it was set in lincoln, which is where the real-life university of nebraska is located...and where college football is HUGE.

i enjoyed the movie on it's own accord, but as usual, found the theme of the movie somewhat applicable in my life. lately i've been focusing on all the bad things that have come my way. it all started with my decision to leave seattle, and move back to my hometown. really not too far away, but far enough to make regular visits a hassle. when i made this decision, my roommate and i were not getting along and had decided to go our separate ways when our lease was up at the end of june. this was probably at some point in early june. simultaneously, i was unhappy at work. i liked the people i worked with, but i hated the job itself. so as part of the decision to move, i would leave my job when i left seattle. when june finally came to an end, i was unemployed and living back in my hometown with my brother. soon after i got a part time retail job. i like the people i work with, but the more i'm there, and thus the more i learn about the company, the more i don't like the job and the direction/decisions/overall quality of the workplace. and about a month after i moved, my car broke down...and was far too expensive to fix so no more car. about a month after that, i was forced to move out of my brother's place and having no other option, had to move back home. i am greatful to have that option, but after living on my own in seattle for the past three years, it felt a little like i had failed...which is my worst fear.

ok. that kind of got mopey and depressing and that's not the point of this post. i did however, need to convey just how crummy my situation was. even as i typed that, i realized my situation really isn't that bad. i do have a job, a house to live in, my overall health, and all my basic needs are met...but that's why i said crummy and not something more dramatic or unrealistic (ie "omg my life sucks more than anyone's ever"...or something to that effect). so really not that bad, but crummy. agreed?

now on to my point.

i've been focusing on all the bad stuff. putting on my happy face, when really i was probably having more of a personal pity party...and yes i tried to use as many "p" words as possible. bam...another! the movie i just watched, the good life, ends on a very positive note (it's a gift...i can't help how these "p" words just keep popping up). instead of choosing to focus on the negativity, the protagonist ends the movie with this monologue...

...[in reference to all the bad things in life] but it's not pain. it's laughing with a friend at a time when you know you shouldn't. it's the sweat in your palms wanting to know someone you see...and the pit in your stomach when they actually see you. it's being touched by hands that aren't your own. it's the thrill of an escape that almost wasn't. it's the embarassment you feel, naked for the first time. it's helping a friend find something they lost. it's a smile, a joke, a song. it's what someone does that they like doing. it's what someone does that they like remembering. it's the thinking of things you may never do...and the doing of things you may never have thought. it's the road ahead and the road behind. it's the first step. and the last. and every one in between...because they all make up the good life.

so i'm making a conscious effort to stop dwelling on how things went wrong. or why things are so bad now. or any of that glass have empty nonsense. i've never thought of myself as an optimist, always claimed to be more of a realist...seeing things how they actually are (whether good or bad), but i'm going to start focusing on the good. the things that make me smile and laugh, the people that make me happy, the memories i cherish and those i've still yet to make, the things i have and not the things i don't, the love and support of my family and the idea that is anything is possible.

i guess then, that today is day one. the first day of my new, positive outlook in an otherwise crummy situation. it's also going to be the last day of sitting on my ass all day, doing nothing and being so lazy. doesn't mean i'm going to be go-go-go all the time, but no more of this "wait and see" or "maybe tomorrow" crap i keep feeding myself. i've always heard that if you want change, you have to start with yourself, because nobody else is going to do it for you. accordingly, i've also heard that you should follow the advice you give to others.

i guess we'll have to wait and see :)

Monday, August 10, 2009

but these feelings won't go away...they've been knockin' me sideways

"sideways" -citizen cope

really good song.

for some reason i don't much feel like using proper capitalization. so i'm not going to. i'm also, apparently, going to end end sentences with prepositions. hope you can handle it ;)

so, as is customary with me, i just finished a movie and i'm feeling quite pensive and reflective...tho this subject has been troubling me for some time. i guess the movie was the final push to get it in the blog. i just watched sex and the city: the movie, or whatever it's actually called. i've seen the whole series and figured i should probably see the movie too. (pause for reaction.) yes. i've watched every episode, and now movie, of sex and the city. they are witty, funny and entertaining.

moving on...

lately i've been thinking a lot about love...and whether or not i've ever been in love. two weddings in eight days and a movie all about love will do that to you. and if not to you, then it definitely has done it to me. love seems to be one of those emotions, at least being in love, that you can't really pinpoint until it happens to you. it's a very personal experience. i mean, i see it all around me...both in movies and in real life, but i'm not sure if i know the feeling personally.

i've never been the type to date a lot of women. in fact, i'm very much a monogamous, one woman at a time type of guy. i can't even really "like" more than one person at once. it's the way i'm wired. i mean, i have my multiple little crushes and "oh she's cute" here and there, but once i really start to like someone, i only have eyes for them. when i'm in a committed relationship, this quality suits me well...tho it makes me susceptible to heartache as well. me and my recently pointed out passionate-ness.

in addition, i've only had four relationships. the first was in high school and lasted roughly 13 months. the longest one by far, but i think i was still too young to really understand it least at the time. the next was my senior year of college, lasting a month. followed by another at the end of my senior year, lasting only a month and a half. the last, and most recent, lasted about six months. all very different, and from all of them i've learned things and tried to apply what i've learned in my next relationship. tried to at least.

i don't think i was in love in my first relationship...i don't even think i knew what love really was yet. i cared about her a lot tho. a lot. i'm not sure, but i seem to recall she liked me and from there we started dating. i obviously did like her too, but it wasn't a situation where i pursued least not very hard because she already liked me. this is how i remember it anyway. she's also the only one i've been able to stay friends with. she still means a lot to me...tho i don't see her nearly as often as i used to...and so does her family. i recently ran into her sisters. it was a very pleasant surprise and made me realize i hadn't seen them in a long time. life happens tho. for everyone. and when we broke up, it was hard to maintain an ongoing relationship with her, let alone her family. like i've said before, life gets in the way of life.

my next relationship only lasted a month. she was someone i had a little crush on, and liked for awhile but then she started dating one of my friends so i was like...oh well. then one random night we were hanging out with some friends and she and i were the only two in my room. a few joking and sarcastic comments later and we were kissing. what?! still not sure how that all came to be. that relationship fizzled out quickly tho. she was a lot of fun, but i didn't want to date her anymore. she said i started acting differently but hoped it would get better. at least she wasn't too surprised...or something. i've talked to her very little since, and know i wasn't in love.

later that school year my housemates and i hosted a toga party. he hosted lots of parties, but i remember this one being different because i didn't see as many familiar faces. i ended up talking with a friend of a friend. one of those situations where you know who the other is, but really don't know each other at all. i did always think she was cute tho. so we talked for awhile, drank beer and probably danced some too. after awhile tho, our togas were just getting to be more hassle than they were worth. so we ducked into my room real quick, so i could change and she could take off her toga (she has jeans and a t-shirt on underneath...perverts). i changed in my closet and when i came out, we kissed. again, not sure how it happened but it did. i guess that room was just magic. so we started dating and at graduation i met her family and she met my least my dad. not sure why only him tho...maybe...idk. then it got to the point where i didn't want to date her anymore. nothing "happened," i just got to that point...again. she didn't see it coming tho, so where the time before it was no big deal, this time it was. she was upset. so we haven't talked at all since, and i'm pretty certain i wasn't in love with her. i sometimes wonder tho why i got to that point. she was great. of all my relationships, this is the only one where i'm not sure why we broke up.

my most recent relationship was probably the most "real" relationship i had. i say that because i was too young in high school to fully understand dating and what it means to be in a relationship. we actually met freshman year of college in writing 101. first day of class we were paired together for a writing assignment. i thought she was super cute. we weren't really friends, because we never really hung out, but we knew each other. sophomore year i tried to ask her out to a movie, i think, over instant messenger (bad idea!) and she kind of freaked out. how could i like her, and want to ask her out, when i didn't even know her very well, if really at all!?!

we hung out the summer before our senior year, with a mutual friend, but nothing came of it dating wise. this mutual friend tho, is one of her best friends. this mutual friend also ended up marrying one of my good friends from high school. at that wedding, we talked and hung out at the reception, having not seen in other in quite some time. we traded numbers and decided to hang out more often, on purpose, rather than randomly when our friends get married. after a few months of "hanging out" we realized we really had been dating and were now in a relationship. i met her family, they were great. she met mine. she got along really well with my sister, which was great. it all seemed to be going well. really well. we went to vegas with her sister and her boyfriend. all the while tho, my friends weren't sold on her. i said it was because they didn't know her yet.

then i got to the point of "i don't want to date her anymore." this time tho, i stopped and really thought about things before acting upon my emotions. i decided that maybe i get to that point too quickly without knowing why or trying to fix what caused me to think that. a week or so later we broke up. again, for the fourth time, i broke it off. i expected her to be upset, but she lashed out with more of a personal attack on my character which i wasn't ready for. still not sure why that happened, if it was all just part of her being upset but that stung. i knew i wasn't a "terrible person" but was i a "terrible boyfriend?" i've not dated anyone since, so i don't know for sure. i don't think i am, but that's one of those things where it's really hard to judge yourself. again, we don't speak. we see each other about once a year when our mutual friend has a get-together and we're both invited. it's cordial but we generally stay clear of the other. don't think i was in love with her. i did try to give it another chance, when i thought it was over, but the fact that it ended so soon after that leads me to think it wasn't love. plus i didn't ever wonder why i broke it off, and don't miss her. i don't say that to be mean, but i would think i would long, and ache for someone if i had been in love with them.

ok so wow. i just detailed my relationships and why i don't think i was in love with any of them. i didn't mean to do that. i meant to talk about love and whether or not i've truly been in love.

i was reading this book once about the languages of love. there are five. and how we all feel loved in different ways. it talked about how love feels too. how you wake up and think of that one person, and how they're the last thought you have before you fall asleep. and how it hurts when the love is unrequited...not returned? i know what i mean, even if i can't spell it correctly. so using what i read in this book, along with my prior relationships and how i've felt recently...i think i may have been in love. or if it wasn' was a lot like love.

or maybe she's just the one that got away...tho doesn't that, in itself, imply greater feeling than just liking someone? rawr. i don't know. i do know that i was really, really, really into this girl for almost a full year...ok maybe 8-10 months. we never dated. never went on a date. we were just friends, hung out in groups a lot, and occasionally would hang out just the two of us. i never made a move because, all circumstances considered, waiting felt like it was the best option for moving from a friendship to a worthwhile dating relationship. maybe i missed my opportunity to take my shot, and if i did...i have no idea where it was. needless to say she was really hard to get over. by far the hardest girl to let go of. i've liked girls in the past, for months on end, and then i just realize it's not going to go anywhere and move on...but this girl was different. i kept waiting, and waiting for "the right time" to arrive...

i started to see her less and less. at first it was intentional because we got into a fight over something trivial. then i didn't see her for even longer for no apparent reason. it was in this time i eventually got over her. i tried previously, tried like hell, but to no avail. so i finally was over her and while this was happening i made friends with a new girl. we shared a mutual friend and that's how we met...or met for real. i'm sure we had met while in college, but we didn't "know" each other. anyway...i asked her out on a date. it went really well. and surprisingly i was really into mean after what i had just put myself through with this other girl, i was surprised at how quickly i was "back up on the horse." we kept hanging out, but didn't go on another date. then after a few weeks we had the DTR (determine the relationship (talk)) where she told me i was great, but she didn't want to date me. i kind of thought that was coming but was hoping for something else. oh well.

so now i'm over the first girl, and have just been let down gently by a new girl. over both at this point. then i learn the first girl has a boyfriend now. what!?!?! i was over her, i thought, but definitely not ready for her to be dating someone else. then it bothered me, that this news bothered me so much. i was over her...wasn't i? ahhhh!!!!! that was a month or so ago, maybe a little longer, and so i figured by now it wouldn't bother me. wrong. anytime i come across her facebook and see all the cute and lovey messages between them, i have to close the web page. i can't look at it. it hurts to see someone else getting to do what i never got to.

i maintain i'm not into her anymore and i really feel that is the least i'm not actively pursuing her like before. so what are these feelings? love? was i in love? i don't know for sure because i never got to test my feelings. and i won't know. if it wasn't tho, it sure felt a lot like least what i think love should feel like. all i know is these feelings keep knocking me much so that i can't make sense of it all. and honestly, as much as being shut down totally blows, not knowing (what your own feelings mean and not knowing hers) is even worse.

not everyone will be able to make sense of this, and that's ok. i think i've made my feelings clear, and really i just needed to let this out because it's been bouncing around in my head for too long. as with the last post tho, i wonder what will happen if the person i'm talking about reads this. i don't think this girl has any idea just how into her i was, unless someone else told her, because i never laid it all out like this. i tried. sort of...twice. i wrote letters that i never delivered. maybe they were just therapeutic to write, but when i saw her, to give her these letters, the timing never felt right. maybe that was for the best, maybe it was just never meant to be but it feels like she's the one that got away. and that say and to feel it to be true.

Friday, July 24, 2009

It's like taking a guess...when the only answer is yes

I'm stealing this idea from my friend Carly (as she has done this on her blog) but since hearing this line prompted me to finally sit down and blog...I felt it was an appropriate title. The title of this entry is taken from the song "A Beautiful Mess" by Jason Mraz off We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how life often gets in the way of friendships, relationships and keeping them even the most important people somehow end up as just a fond memory in your past. I've been told, and recently come to really understand it to be true, that I'm a very passionate person when I know what I want. All too often tho, for me, I don't know what I want and so that passion sits dormant and unused. When it comes to people though, whether they are a new relationship (in any capacity) or a dear old friend, that passion is always there...if I like you.

Now these relationships come in all different shapes and sizes, but the passion is always there. When I meet someone new, who I'd like to see again, I make it happen...whether it means asking her out on a date, grabbing a drink with a new work buddy, or agreeing to help you move in the snow and ice. Unfortunately these newly forming relationships don't always stick...or fizzle into a "we see each other every once in awhile" type thing.

***Whenever I sit down to blog I rarely have it all thought out...I generally just have a general idea of what I want to say and go at it. For that reason I often to get to a point where I'm not sure what to say next, or I can only go on speaking in generalities with vague references to real people/events for so long before I get to the point I'm at personal do I want to get? I very rarely get as specific as I'd like because I know my friends read this...and sometimes I don't want to single them out...because that's not my intention. For me blogging is therapeutic, but since its a very public forum, I can't always let everything out that I want to...without consequences anyway. So this is a little glimpse into what I'm actually thinking right now, a little sneak peak or "behind the scenes" look me and my blog.***

Another factor, and probably the reason I'm blogging about this, is moving. When you build a life, make friends, work, play, etc in a city, it's extremely difficult to maintain your relationships well...especially when you quit your job and move 30 miles up the freeway to a town that doesn't exactly warrant people coming to see you. I honestly thought I'd be down in Seattle more often. My friends are there, my favorite places to eat, drink & play are there...but I've only been down there once, and I really only made it to Shoreline/Edmonds. Real hard to keep relationships going when you don't see each other. I've really enjoyed being back in my hometown though. More than I thought I would. I enjoy seeing my family more often, and life just seems to move a little bit slower...which is incredibly enjoyable. I think I can attribute most of that "slower" feeling to not working tho.

So maybe I've reached a metaphorical fork in the road. Do I pursue employment and start putting down roots again up here in my hometown, or do I get more serious about moving back down to Seattle and starting up again with a new job down there? I don't have an answer to that right now, but I miss Seattle...and all my friends there. I really wanted to head down tonight and see who was free but forgot I don't have a car right now. It decided to stop working last weekend as I was driving on the freeway. Yep...died while going 65 mph on I-5! Luckily I was able to pull off onto the shoulder, get a ride to a nearby friend's house, get my car towed there, and have since towed the car back up here to have it looked at...but still...not having a car is terribly inconvenient.

...but I digress. As I always seem to :)

It's almost 3am now, and about three days since I started this post...and I only mention the time because I napped for too long earlier today and can't sleep now. When I started this, my intention was to talk about specific relationships that have changed as life "got in the way" or rather progressed for others more than it did for me. And of those relationships I had in mind (warning - this is about to cross that line from generalities to specifics), the one I miss the most...the person I miss the Goldie Bear. I just had his real name typed in, then decided a nickname was better. Not sure why tho. That relationship has changed over the years from classmates, to friends, to roommates, to someone I considered my best friend...and now I rarely see him and talk to him even less.

I can pinpoint when this relationship started to change...and it all happened rather quickly and without much time to digest the changes before something new was weaving itself into the mix. My emotions have roller coastered their way up, down, around, back and forth, but I always get them in check whenever I get the chance to see him. I put on my happy face, like everything is happy-go-lucky, because its easier on both of us that way. He has more on his plate right now than I have ever known, and don't want to add any undue stress. I'm extremely happy for him tho, as he just recently welcomed his first child into the world...his beautiful baby girl. I can see the undying love he has for her, and by the way she snuggles up to him (even if he claims its because she's hungry and doesn't know he can't help here there), it's clear she's daddy's little girl.

So to tie this all in to the title of the blog..."it's like taking a guess, when the only answer is yes." Although out relationship has changed, how much I care hasn't. I've tried to tell him this, since things started to change, but I'm not sure if it came off as genuine or if he really understood just how much he meant, and still means, to me. There have been times when I wanted to give up on the relationship and not care about being a part of his life as life "got in the way" of our friendship. In the end tho, those were just fleeting, confused emotions. I'm a passionate person, especially to those closest to me...and despite recent changes, there's only answer to the question here: do I still care about, and want to repair/maintain my relationship with Goldie Bear?

(Absolutely) yes.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A life not lived for others is not worth living at all...

Einstein said that...or something very close to it. As always, I just finished a movie and am feeling quite reflective. That quote was in the movie and oddly appropriate in my life right now. Just the other day I was talking with a friend and made a comment about how I feel I put the well being of others ahead of my own. When asked why I replied with "because I can't know how their going to react to the situation." Having time to reflect on what I said then, I've come to one of two conclusions: I focus too much on the well being of others and need to focus on me for a change, or I only think I put others first but in reality I don't...and therefore I'm kind of an asshole for thinking I do. Either is entirely feasible, and my recent mopey-ness could be a result of trying to put myself first and having trouble adjusting or because I'm starting to realize I'm not as selfless as I think.

I tend to hold my tongue when not doing so could result in hurt feelings, or un-thought-out (I have a way with words don't I?) emotional outbursts or instant easing of my own guilt/pain/etc at the expense of another. I generally think before I speak, but I think too often all I do is think and never say anything...even well-thought-out, emotionally controlled statements. Right now, just off the top of my head, I can think of four different people I could really "let loose on" (meaning I could let loose of that worry of their feelings and just say what I need to say...whether it be constructive or more of an emotional outburst of sorts). Each one is for different reasons (some of them even for my own selfish benefit...oh my!!) and yet I probably won't say a word to anyone of them about their respective topics.

Even as I'm drafting this I can't help but wonder why I'm wired this way. Is it fear? Fear of what the other person's reaction will be...fear of what they will say in return...fear of how saying something will change the dynamic of the relationship or end it altogether? Fear is a strong force and a very plausible explanation here. Ok so maybe that's the only reason I can come up with right now. I thought I had another but clearly I don't.

The more I sit here and think about it, the more I'm convinced it's fear...fear of the unknown. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. Big shocker there, right? But seriously, in a very palpable, very large scale, I'm afraid of not much so that I think it prevents me from doing speaking my mind, and making myself vulnerable to change and failure. It's probably the biggest reason why I haven't been able to find a satisfying job...because I'm afraid to put myself out there, try for something, and be turned fail. I have the job I have now because I knew it would be easy. It was familiar and relatively unchallenging. It was a safe choice...and very much the wrong choice...hence why I'm leaving the job next week.

Now I feel like I've completely lost my focus and rambled all over the place. This was supposed to be about how I put others' needs ahead of my own, and has turned into why I'm unhappy with my job and afraid to take chances. I even play poker this way. I realize that's completely irrelevant right now, but it just popped in my head and it made me laugh. When I play poker, I make very few risky moves. I generally only get aggressive or exude confidence in my hand when I'm almost absolutely certain I have the best hand. Only when I'm certain of success, am I unafraid to go for it all. Then again it's poker, and trivial in the grand spectrum of life, so I occasionally take stupid risks, and play aggressively with crap hands...but that's only because I know at the end of the night it was just a game with no bearing on real life. I'm doing a great job of staying focused here, aren't i? :-/

So I think I've come up with a solution, at least a temporary one. I'm going to continue to be sensitive to the feelings of others. That's just who I am, and I think that's a good thing. Along with that though, I'm going to try and speak my mind more...worry about my well being and do what's right for me. I'm not going to turn into a narcissist or anything like that, but a few toes might get stepped on because I pipe up when I usually keep my mouth shut. Who knows how this will play out...or if it will have that big of an impact...but I feel that it's time for change. And seeing as how I'm about to be unemployed and moving back home, I figure now's as good of a time as any to start taking care of good ol' me. On a side note I think I just came up with another five or six people I'd like to "let loose" on. Rawr!

I do feel a little better for letting this out...and as edited as it may be (it's still way to public to be completely honest and without some level of censoring) it's still very therapeutic. In addition to worrying about me first, I think I need to make a few personal changes too. Positive changes that will hopefully lead to better things in all aspects of my life. And I know I'm a huge talker...I'm full of all these great intentions...but I lack follow-thru. For some reason tho, I feel this time around is different. I've never voluntarily quit a job because it made me unhappy. I did that because it was the right move for me. Granted I did agree to stay on for another week (so I ended up giving three weeks notice) because I knew it was going to put them in a bind to have someone suddenly leave, but that's the happy medium I guess. So I'm already taking steps to be the change I want in my life and I wasn't aware of that until just now...and knowing that feels good :)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

What's going on?

A little over a week ago I was typing a resignation letter to give to my boss the next day. I had finally decided it was time to part ways with the bank I work for...and I felt really good. It wasn't an easy decision, but it felt right and I instantly felt better for what I was about to set in motion. Since then however, things have not been going so well. My decision to quit is still the right one, but I was hoping it would be the start of something better...and not a continuation of the emotional roller coaster I've been on recently. Seriously. One thing goes my way (seemingly), then it seems like the next two go the other way...then something even better happens...then something worse...its annoying.

I honestly have no idea what else to say right now. My head is swarming with so many things, that it's really hard to focus on this post and make it coherent. I need an outlet for what's going on in my head and as great as the ol' blog can be sometimes, it's far too public to really let loose with everything that's on my mind. And I have lots of great friends I can talk to, but some of them are too involved with some of the stuff and/or don't know enough to fully understand the problem. At best it would be a fragmented mess to try and talk to several different people about the variety of issues I'm trying to deal with internally. And don't get me wrong, it's nothing anyone need worry about. I'm not trying to freak people out or play the sympathy card, I'm just trying to let out what I can, with what I'm comfortable making available to any and everyone who reads this.

Hopefully these next two weeks at work will go by quickly and without major problems, no confrontations with coworkers, and nothing out of the ordinary from the customers. That would be ideal, but things rarely go "ideally" at the we'll see. I'm also excited to not have to pay rent next month...w00t. And I'm throwing a party before I move so that'll be fun...and then it's almost the 4th of July, which is always a good time. So maybe things are looking up...I just had to go through a rough week to realize it.

I think in the end I'm just a little scared of what's next because it's so up in the air and uncertain right now...which I don't like. I do feel like I'm in control though, which isn't always the case. Things are definitely moving along on my terms right now, which is a change because I typically worry more about taking care of others before I take care of myself. I guess it's finally time to look out for numero uno and do what's best for me. So in the words of my man E, "I can roll with the punches long as I feel like I'm in control" :)

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Why straws?

The final straw.

The straw that broke the camel's back.

Who comes up with this stuff? Straws are also helpful in sucking a tasty beverage from a cup, can, bottle or capri sun pouch to your mouth. In the last scenario the straw is help even tho it sucks.

Not sure where I'm going with this straw imagery other than a poor attempt at something metaphorical and profound. Anyway...I am tired of continually working unsatisfying jobs. This week has quite possible produced what proves to be the final straw for my current job. We shall see...

The week started with training for the new system we're going to start using next week. Fine. Then I get word from my manager that (even tho I cleared time off when I was hired so I could go to San Fran this weekend) all employees are being required to work saturday and sunday this weekend. I was pissed but fine. That's just the way things go sometimes. Then today I'm informed I can no longer have anything personal at my workspace. Not even a whitworth pirate mug I'd been using to hold extra fact I can't even have extra pens or post it notes. WTH?!?!!

For whatever reason...after the "no personal items" talk I was no longer fine. I was ready to quit...the final straw if you will. It's funny that something so trivial is what will most likely end my working relationship with my current company but I've had enough. I'm too young...too capable...and too +awesome (hahaha) to stick with a job I hate and never saw myself staying with long term. I'm also no idiot.

So while I hate my job I realize this is the wrong time to quit a job without having something else lined up. Just means I'm going to finally put forth some real effort in finding a better job...something I would like...something that will challenge me but still be rewarding. I have no idea what that looks like but (possibly for the first time ever) I'm up for the challenge :)

-- iPhone'd

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Faces of my banking past

As of 8:20 this morning (and including yesterday) I've seen four different people I used to work with or knew from training. I had no idea that coming to my new training would bring so many familiar faces my way.

My first chance encounter was my friend Mignon who I met in training several years ago. She also worked downstairs in the branch when I worked at the HLC. I see her occasionally (in fact we had lunch last week with another training friend Kirsten) though this was completely unexpected. On my morning break I went to Starbucks and she was just chillin' in a chair reading a book. She does work in the building but still...random.

Later, as I left the building for lunch, I ran into Lindsey (aka Lo). She joined us at the HLC as a 2nd receptionist to learn the ropes and then work at the satellite office. That satellite office was short lived as the HLCs were closed nationwide but it was still fun to have Lo in the office. What was even stranger was she had been on vacation for a week and a half and when I saw her was her first day back.

Then as I'm finishing up my conversation with Lo, my friend Mohsin (aka Mo) comes out of the building. I haven't seen him in far too long. Met him in training and he is awesome. It's hard to explain just how great Mo is but if you meet him, even for a few minutes, you understand. Jacey does and he only saw Mo for about two minutes. I also love how Mo refers to me as the craziest white boy he knows. Amazing.

Then this morning I ran into my old Op Sup, Teri, again in Starbucks. I never really liked Teri when we worked together but I played nice and made small talk. I heard she left the company but I guess she is an asst manager now. Hood for her...bad for her coworkers. Pwned!!! Or something. Super weird to run into her but kind of funny too.

Finally the guy I've been sitting next to in training used to wok for Nd knows my old boss Gregg. So weird but that's kind of how this comspny works. Everyone knows everyone it seems like, at least in Seattle. Made for a fun two days at least. Ok time to finish up class!

-- iPhone'd

Monday, May 18, 2009

Nothing good ever happens after 2am

Truth...mostly. Saturday night I almost went to bed at 11:30. Instead I went out and was having a very enjoyable evening until 4am. It was at this time that my friend and I discovered that her car had been towed. No bueno. After finding out (from two gentlemen who were smoking and who I'm convinced called to get the car towed) that we had to call the Seattle police to inquire about the car, the real "fun" began. After 10 minutes of calling wrong numbers or getting transferred to not quite the right places, we found out where the car was being held.

She had talked to a nice guy from the towing company who called her sweetheart. When we got to the towing company we assumed the guy there was the same guy. My friend was like "hi I just called about my car." Sunshine behind the desk replied with a "well it wasn't me." He then instructed us to go to the car and get the registration but NOT TO MOVE THE CAR!!! We return and sunshine actually turned out to be nice once he realized we weren't going to yell at him for towing the car. Small victory.

So she finishes up all the paperwork and pays the fee for getting towed then is informed she has a $38 parking ticket on top of it all. Perfect. So we hear down to her car and at this point it's almost 5am. Get in and the steering wheel/column is definitely stuck. She tries juggling the key and pumping the brake and moving the steering wheel (what little it will move) and nada. I try...nothing. Meanwhile a tow truck shows up with a new car and my friend goes down to see if he can help. He gets in...nothing. Then a minute or two later he gets it. Hallelujah!

So she goes home and I end up getting to bed around 5:30am. It's funny now bc it was so ridiculous but not overly enjoyable at the time. And if I had gone to bed at 11:30 like I almost did...none of the awful tow fiasco would've happened. Up until that point I was having a good time (flight of the navigator and steak fries!!) but it sucks the night had to end the way it did. So if it's after 4am, or 2am or you're thinking about sleeping...just go to bed bc...sleeping is way better than getting your car towed.

And that's what Mo knows :)

-- iPhone'd

Saturday, May 16, 2009


So my facebook status currently says I've got "it" figured out. And if I really don't then I at least feel like I've got "it" figured out for the time being. At some point last night it just hit me...rather suddenly. I realized that for almost everything in my life...the only thing ever standing between what I want and what I actually end up with is me. I'm great at getting in my own preventing myself from getting or at least going after the things I really want or need.

For example...I need to find a new place to live by the end of next month and I've done very little to make that happen. A friend of mine even emailed me some places that I was excited about and yet I haven't even so much as written down the contact info so that I could get the ball rolling.

This has also applied itself rather substantially to my love life or lack thereof. I don't have much self confidence when it comes to meeting new women. I'm terrified of rejection too so I hide behind that far too well. Typically I don't meet any new ladies or I'm too afraid to ask out the ones I do know and would like to go out with. I'm pretty handy with excuses too and can more or less talk my way out of not doing anyhing. Weak sauce!

Lastly this has major implications with my career path and current job. I settle far too easily. I find something easy and comfortable and stick with it even if I don't like it. I'm afraid to put myself out there for something new and better because I might fail. Work has actually been better lately...mostly because I've actually been making an effort to do my job better. Hmmmmm. It's encouraging to see that putting forth a little extra effort has paid off. I'm not sure how much longer I will stay with my current job, but it's nice to know that success (even a small amount of it) is possible if I just go for it.

-- iPhone'd

My Ideal Saturday

Ideally my Saturday involves sleeping in until I wake up naturally...lounging around the house for the rest of the morning...maybe going down to Greenlake because it's nice out today...maybe stopping by Prost! for an afternoon bier. Basically just whatever I feel like...whatever comes my way...rollin' with the punches as my friend E would say (hahahaha +awesome!!).

This Saturday, the one happening right now, has been anything but ideal. I had to wake up at 7:30am to make sure I had enough time to move to some laundry to the dryer in order to have clean, nice looking clothes for work. UGH! is the first working Saturday for me since I rejoined the work force back in March...and the first Saturday I've worked or August of 2007. Wow. So much for the M-F schedule I thought I was getting when I took my current we're open Saturdays. Oh well.

In honor of my glorious...ominous?...hesitant?..."necessary to keep my job" return to a working Saturday (sigh) I thought I'd do a running blog thing. Kind of like how sports writers do running commentary on draft day...only mine won't be nearly as interesting. I also will be pretty vague...if you haven't already noticed. Many of you who read this know where I work but in order to keep myself employed I have to be rather cautious with what I say about work in my just generic stuff...and definitely no names.

So far the morning has gone like this:

8:42 - Show up, open.

8:48 - Set up iPod speaker because I know it's going to be a slow day.

8:57 - Possible computer problems...things aren't loading at normal speed.

9:06 - Everything is up and running just fine.

Let's see what happens for the next four hours...

9:12 - Throw back a 5 hour energy drink with Javvy.

9:31 - Not the slightest hint (and the phone rings!!) of a customer.

9:33 - iPod speaker is already the best idea I've only been here for 51 minutes.

9:42 - A person comes in!!! but he's not a customer. He's lost and looking for a Goodwill on 1765 6th Ave. We're located in the retail hub area of downtown Seattle and after a quick jupm to google maps we find out this Goodwill is south of Safeco Field. Sorry dude...start headin' south. In the meantime he starts putting on deodorant in the lobby. I kid you not. Amazing. Meanwhile the first customer of the day comes in.

9:47 - Help what may be my only customer of the day.

9:50 - Sadly my 5 hour energy is not working nearly as well as the last time I took it at work and was freaking out with insane amounts of energy...maybe it's because I literally have nothing to do...or the lemon-lime flavor is just far superior to the berry.

9:55 - Customer number two arrives...all dudes so far...crazy Goodwill guy included...and my coworkers today - both dudes.

9:57 - And he's gone!

10:06 - Jamba Juice SNl skit with Natalie Portman & "I'm On A Boat" ft. T-Pain...amazingness!

10:11 - Customer three...and it's a duuuuuude! (Clearly the energy is building)

10:15 - Two customers...dude and a lady but its the dude with the transaction.

10:21 - Customer...five...dude!!! This is starting to get really weird.

10:28 - First female customer. Phew...all dudes was getting creepy.

10:29 - Second female customer...and she is taaaaall. At least the world is back in balance now.

10:42 - Oh crap I have training I have to finish before I go to class on Monday...yikes!!

10:53 - Dude in a pony tail...nice guy but still gave me the creeps.

10:54 - On a brighter note Phil Collins is playing over the Muzak out in the branch. YES!!!

10:55 - Dude in a Gonzaga shirt...yea I got nothin' else boring. Back to training...

11:00 - Passed the test on my first try!!

11:44 - All online trained up. Next up two days of class on Monday and Tuesday.

12:09 - My mom just called my cell and I answered on speakerphone...hahaha. So slow.

12:14 - Just found out from a customer that Griffey is up at Niketown doign some Q & A or something but isn't signing autographs...WTH!?!

12:19 - I'm a terrible judge of age...but that's nothing new.

12:22 - Another pony tail!!! but this one is more awesome and yet not creepy. I am shocked.

12:36 - Muse, "Feeling Good"...awesome.

12:44 - I hate when customers want something, you give it to them as they asked, then they tell you it's wrong because they never fully explained what they actually wanted. If you want gold $1 coins with presidents on them then ask for gold president $1 coins...don't just say you want gold $1 coins. UGH!!!

12:51 - Poor guy behind this lady, who just walked up, only wanted to exchange loose change for paper money...and I can't help because it isn't rolled. Tough break just waited all that time for nothing.

12:55 - Almost done...almost lunch time...then nap time...then party time? I think so!

12:56 - Want to go do karate in the garage? (Cue "You Make My Dreams" by Hall & Oates)

1:00 - The end

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Put a smile on your face 

I wonder if the blog supports smileys like this app does...either way I think the ol' blog is gonna see more posts oh faithful readers.

-- iPhone'd

Mobile blogging?

Let's see if and/or how this works...

-- iPhone'd

Sunday, March 29, 2009

careful what you eat

why is it that the simplest things often tend to be so profoundly true?

i think i need to start blogging more often. its a nice way for me to constructively get some things out of my head, or at the very least helps me to sort out the things in my head...even if they don't end up here. i forgot how nice it feels to get into a good post, vent a little, unburden the mind, and just kind of forget about the stresses of life for a short i type away at my computer.

its been almost three weeks since my last post, and most of that time has been spent working. three weeks back, and i definitely feel like i have things pretty much wired again...which is good. i'm comfortable again in an old, familiar role that had changed or "updated" since the last time i been part of it. i've also built up a pretty good rapport with my fellow co-workers, to the point where i can let the naturally flowing sarcasm and humor roll out (for the most part) without the need for editing/censoring/toning down/etc. so work has been pretty good, but sadly just as i start to get comfortable and confident again...things are about to change. for everyone. but change nonetheless. we'll be shifting over to chase soon, so in addition to wearing chase shirts, having chase business cards, chase signage, pamphlets, etc...we'll also be learning the new chase systems. kind of begs the question - why did i just go to wamu training if chase training is literally right around the corner? oh well. not going to fight the bureaucracy of corporate america, but sometimes i wish we could be more self-governing within our own respective branches.

so while work is good, its still work. still means getting up earlier than i go stand for eight hours, then come home and be too tired to do much of anything constructive at home. i always seems to have energy for going out to the bar, for trivia, or meeting up with friends for this or that...but never any energy to clean my room, do some much needed laundry, do the dishes, or even take out the recycling. it all just seems so exhausting. i hope this fades soon, and i don't get home from work and act completely useless until bedtime. its irritating and only helps to enhance my already large propensity for being lazy. bleh.

then on top of still adjusting to working full time, and as a result always being tired, it feels like a lot of the other areas of my life are causing me undue stress. i'll start feeling less tired as i work more, and my body readjusts to less sleep during the week, as well as being at work for 40 that at least has a positive upswing. it almost feels like i've somehow worked myself into a routine that's more or less meh. i actually like having regular events and things scheduled on a weekly basis...but i also like having things go my way. big surprise there, right? i've never heard of someone wanting things to go their way. :P so i realize that's nothing prophetic or unnatural, but it doesn't make it any less true.

ok so i've completely lost my train of thought here...but i do need something to go my way here sooner than later. and when i mean something, i'm really only thinking of one thing which is more often than not the source of my frustration with the status quo. as much as i do enjoy being single, and the complete freedom it brings (to do whatever i want, whenever i want), at the end of the day its lonely. so while i do enjoy going out, and going to the occasional party, i'm more or less over that whole scene. i'll always enjoy going to trivia, or going out with the guys for beers, but i would much rather snuggle up on the couch with someone special and watch a movie, go out and enjoy a casual dinner, have a couple's game night, or just go for a walk, hand in hand, and talk about our days. it also doesn't help that i'm a hopeless romantic, more or less wear my heart on my sleeve...and most of my closest friends are married, or dating someone. its always been fun to joke about, especially how this seems to be the summer of getting married/having babies...but apparently its affecting me more now.

idk. maybe i heard a song, or saw something on tv that triggered this because at the start of the week i felt good. great actually. i was pumped that this last week was going to rock. and the week wasn't bad at all. had a pretty fine week...which makes this all the more puzzling. this week will be different tho. took thursday and friday off, and have a friend coming into that'll be fun. so maybe this is the week i thought last week was going to be. guess we'll have to wait and see. whatever this week brings tho, i hope that it + awesome ;)

Monday, March 9, 2009

wamu dejavu

i really wanted to blog throughout my first day, but wasn't sure if i was going to have computer access so i decided that idea was no good. as it turns out i've had computer access almost all day, with nearly all of it being completely i totally could blogged something like this:

9:18am - attempt first log on

9:19am - everything looks good

9:21am - i can log into windows but nothing else

9:22am - restart computer

9:25am - still can't log into anything

9:26am - try to reset password...but my user ID is

9:38am - figure out how to log in, reset password and get the ball rolling

9:42am - restart different computer

9:55am - still not restarted yet get the idea. that was more or less how my first hour went too. oh the joys of starting a new job.

instead of blogging all day i've been doing online training modules. ugh. its tiring. i did have lunch with Jacey & JdL. Stupid Cheeasecake Factory had a super long wait, and then the service is never i was five minutes late getting back to work. AWESOME! My immediate boss, the Operations Supervisor, called me on it and was need to let me know when you're going to be late. Meh...i didn't take a morning break so just won't happen again so it won't ever be an issue.

i think i need to slow down a little on these modules...i barely passed the last one. i think its bc i didn't click on extra links bc i didn't have the slightest clue what color the numerical amount on a wal*mart money order is...rawr.

i also can't believe its after 4pm already. this is great. i've also been sitting most of the day (doing these stupid training modules), which has helped ease me back into the working world. i think i'm gonna pop next door to grab some starbucks (iced black tea!) and then do a few more modules and see if i can't get in a few transactions up on the line before the day is over. gotta earn those the great Chi City (as in say it like shy) said, "get money...get paid" :)

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

that changed quick

as of monday afternoon i was all set to start working for enjoy free deluxe cable...and drive to everett for work everyday. i spent the morning filling out the last bit of paperwork and going to a local clinic for a drug screening (yep...peeing in a cup!). shortly after my comcastic morning, i got a call from the recruiter/hiring manager dude from wamu/chase. i thought this was some sort of "sorry you weren't chosen" phone call formality because on friday i got an email saying the position i had applied for had been filled. turns it i was the one filling the position, only i didn't know it yet. so at this point i had an offer from comcast and wamu/chase on the table and had to pick which one i was actually going to work for.

wamu/chase won...and it really wasn't even that close for comcast. w/c is paying better, is easier to get to (bus vs. driving), is DOWNTOWN!, and consistently regular hours. at the bank i know its 9-6, M-F...whereas comcast could've been anywhere from a 6am start, to my shift ending at 2am. without a regular 9-5 on the table...i couldn't turn it down simply because i might not have "normal" working hours. i start march 9th, and find it quite hilarious that i'm going back to a branch...and going back to wamu. after being laid off by wells, i said i was done with banking and would never work in a branch how times change. i guess that's what five months of unemployment will do to you. i am excited to be back in the branch tho...i did really enjoy it...i just didn't think i would be back. i'll be at the pacific place branch...right across from nordstrom on 6th avenue. so if you're ever downtown...come say hi.

on a different note...

today is ash wednesday. the start of lent. i've decided to give up three things in hopes that the next 40 days will serve as a starting point to give them up for good...or at least start limiting how frequently i consume there three things. i'm giving up pop and/or carbonated beverages for lent and hopefully for good. realistically i'll probably still have the occasional mt. dew or jack & coke here and there, but for the most part i'm hoping to do away with pop for good. secondly, and somewhat in connection with the first, i'm giving up fast food for lent...and hopefully for good. eh. we'll see. taco bell is right across the street. for lent tho, its out. and my definition of fast food is probably kind of uniquely mine...but then again i am the one giving it up. so for me, fast food is anything with a drive-thru or anything that you can't reasonably call a restaurant...and yet already there are exceptions. subway is ok, so is teriyaki & thai. i think taco del mar is out too, along with quiznos & red mill. and third, no beer. i was gonna say no booze, but by giving up beer and pop that eliminates most of the alcoholic choices i prefer. this way i can also still celebrate a little at our house warming/matty finally got a job party.

so the first two i'm hoping to continue after lent, and with the beer i'm just going to drink it less often. i've already started doing that. only having one beer instead of two or three. its a win-win because it saves me money and hopefully helps shed a few pounds. that's the real point behind the things i'm giving up. i think those three things are contributing the most, at least food and beverage-wise, to my "unsatisfactory weight." haha...we'll call it my "uw." in addition i need to start eating better (on top of giving up fast food), exercising more and getting better sleep...aka keeping a regular sleep schedule and going to bed sooner. by having a job again, getting to sleep sooner and keeping a regular sleep schedule will be easier because i'll have to be getting up in the mornings instead of just sleeping until whenever...and as a result getting to bed whenever.

so that's what's new since monday. i guess i also bought an iPhone today so that's new :) i'll be sending out texts and/or emails with the new number. since my old phone is with verizon it still work and i'll probably keep it up and running for another couple of days to make sure people can contact me if they only have the old number. needless to's been a good day :)

Sunday, February 22, 2009

a clutteration of thoughts

making up words is fun...and that's pretty much all i have to say about that.

i was a bit surprised to find out its been nearly four weeks since my last post. i really felt as tho i had posted within the last week or two. wow. time flies when you're sitting on the couch everyday watching movies and playing video games...errr kinda. its now been roughly five months since i stopped working at wells fargo. five months is almost half a year. that's a long freaking time to not be working, to have any regularity with your daily and weekly life, to not have steady income. its been an interesting journey to say the least...and definitely one i don't ever want to experience again.

i also can't believe i haven't been blogging more. i mean...its not like i really had anything else going. and i really do enjoy the ol' blog. my mind is almost constantly on...which makes rarely remembering my dreams all the more bizarre. often my mind overflows with ideas, thoughts and whatnot...and the blog is a welcome relief to let some of that mindflow (hooray again for made up words!) out in a constructive and comforting way. as of late this has been very true.

so i'm finally sitting down in an attempt to put all the traffic in head into some sort of coherent post for my e-audience to read. the biggest burden, or mental traffic jam, has been being unemployed but i'm quite certain that burden has been put to rest. i'm not 100% certain, because i go in tomorrow for background check stuff (which will not be a problem to pass) but until i hear something along the lines of "you're hired" i'm keeping this pretty low key. i haven't even told my mother...and when she (or most likely when my sister reads this and tells my mother) hears of this she'll be excited for probably throw in a "why didn't you tell me sooner" comment as well. the words "we'd like to offer you a position" have been extended, which is great, but there are still more steps to finalize the process. plus the job isn't exactly thrilling or a compelling use of my degree so it hasn't been hard to temper my enthusiasm. also...don't you love how i've most likely built your excitement up about this job but haven't given even the slightest hint as to what the job actually is? :P

as i said above, the position is nothing spectacular but in this current economic environment i guess any job is better than no job. i will (so long as everything goes according to plan) be working in a call center for comcast. basically i'll be "that guy" you call when your TV/internet/phone service(s) go kaput and you want them fixed. i will be the guy who asks you if your cable box is plugged in and turned on. omg...i hate when service techs ask me that question and now that is going to be my job. that's the bad...the good is that its a steady paycheck, i like to problem solve and genuinely enjoy helping people. also, working for comcast will definitely have its perks - as in free high speed internet and free cable. and when i say free cable i mean everything short of pay per view and apparently some international channels. free hbo, showtime, starz, espn, mtv, mtv 2, mtv tres, and every other crappy channel filled with addicting reality tv...the works. perfect. now i'll have a job where i sit on my ass all day then can come home and keep it up. maybe free cable isn't so great...psych! this now means dexter parties and vh1 reality show marathons at my house. booyah!!

so it looks like the whole job thing is taken care of. depending on what shifts i get stuck with (low man on the totem pole!!) i may also look to pick up a serving/bartending job somewhere for some extra cash. we'll see. one thing at a time i suppose. its just nice to finally feel like things are starting to go my way. before i went to vegas last weekend i managed to set up two interviews for when i returned. i remember thinking, "sweet...maybe things are starting to look up...we'll see how vegas goes." needless to say vegas was awesome, but i also managed to win a few bucks playing blackjack. things were indeed looking was i as i laid on my back, under the sink, in the bathroom, after drinking too much the first day in vegas and effectively passing out by 8pm. yea. good times in vegas...

needless to say the interviews i set up went least the one with comcast. i felt good about the other one, but apparently not good enough because i have yet to hear back from them and they said i would know by friday. comcast said i'd know by monday, then called to offer me a job on friday. so my weekend started off on a good note and not even finding out bob saget was sold out could dampen my good spirits. then, later friday night i found out my good friends are having a baby boy. BABY BOY CROUCH '09!!! i've been a strong advocate of these two having a kid for a good two years now maybe (awhile anyway) needless to say i was super excited when they told me they were going to start trying, even more excited when i found out they were pregnant, and then freaking ecstatic to find out i was right in my prediction that they're having a boy. well i'm super excited for the little dude, not that i was right (tho that's always a good feeling too :D).

the rest of the weekend was nothing too exciting, tho i did enjoy the oscars tonight. quite a bit actually. as much as really don't care for hugh jackman, he was a very good host...and a much better singer than i would've ever imagined. kudos to you hugh. ugh. i mean really. how much can you like someone named hugh? such a ridiculous name. hugh grant is even worse...tho he's hilarious in love actually. that movie is just plain awesome. serious. not sure how this went from my job with comcast to love actually but it deal. i remembered, from the bits and pieces i had previously seen, that love actually was some crappy chick flick...wrong. its fabulous...even if you just watch it for bill nighy its totally worth it. trust me. go watch it if you don't believe me and then try and tell me its not worth owning. i dare you. (challenging look of intimidation...rawr)

i have plenty of other things i could, and probably will blog about but after bringing up love actually its got me thinking about second chances. it is so easy to write something or someone off after one encounter...or a partial one or whatever. too easy. a friend of mine has a "try it five times" rule. i think its mostly applied to restaurants (bless your heart for continuing to go to greenwood mandarin with us) but perhaps its applied to life in general. not sure why i felt like a parenthetical "apologetic/pity shout out" was necessary there bc i doubt he reads my blog...meh.

so. second chances. sometimes third, fourth and fifth chances. unless you completely botch the first chance, chances are you still have at least one more shot. this applies to life in general...whether its meeting new people, impressing a superior, making new friends, pursuing a love interest, a movie, music, food, anything. this doesn't mean your first impression or snap judgements are always wrong, because they often remain unchanged even after several more chances. i just think life, and everything that comprises it, deserves at least a second look. like ferris bueller said, "life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." you'll miss it, or miss out on it because you discounted it too soon.

not sure why i suddenly felt so strongly about second chances and due consideration. in part because i recently watched love part because i just read a friend's blog entry and she touched on giving things, specifically music, a second listen before discounting part because i just realized i applied for this same position with comcast a few months ago and got nowhere, then gave it another shot and now i'm gonna get free comcast (neener neener...sorry i couldn't resist a good neener neener opportunity). i was also just thinking about a quote a friend of mine has at the bottom of her email: "you've got your whole life to do something, and that's not very long." the quote, or perhaps song lyric, comes from ani difranco, and ties in quite well with my 'more than one look/chance' tangent i'm on right now. people always say you have your whole life to do this or that, but that's really not that long. i guess what i'm trying to advocate is that by giving things a second chance, you're going to be pleasantly surprised by how many more things in life you actually enjoy, but would've never known if you hadn't given it its due diligence.

ok i have to get up and be a functional human tomorrow so that comcast will still want to hire me...that means i need to get to bed here shortly. i wanted to conclude with one last mantra if you will. at some point in my four years at whitworth college, i belive it was during a class, someone who was most likely the professor said something that has stuck with me rather vividly...and it fits in too well for me not to share it with you. the professor talked of how people always said "take it easy" when they were finished talking to friends, or acquaintances they bump into in the halls. instead the professor suggested that we do away with "take it easy" and replace it with "be diligent." really think about it. i promise if you say that to someone instead of take it easy its going to catch them off guard...and hopefully make them think about what you said. its taken me 25+ years and five months of being unemployed to fully realize something so simple, but we do "take it easy" far too often. i know i have.

so in conclusion i guess i'm challenging anyone who reads this to be more diligent...however you can apply that to your life...which i'm guessing is in more ways than you care to admit. at the very least replace "take it easy" with "be diligent" and enjoy how it catches people off guard, and just maybe the phrase will find a way to work a little more diligence into your life...or at least make you watch love actually [again] so you know why "eight is a lot of legs...david" is so funny :)