i'm struggling to get this out of my head, organized and coherent for people to read without making it sound like a pity party. that's not what i'm looking for and that's not the point of this at all. this is a way for me to get my thoughts out, to think about and sort through them in a constructive way. so, having said that and to steal a phrase that's probably not really applicable, why always the bridesmaid and never the bride? yes. i just said that. not a perfect metaphor, but the right idea so i'll explain. not to say i haven't had my successes, but more times than i'd like to recount, i'm the guy that the ladies think is a great friend, but don't want to date. and it's never something i did or didn't do, but "the spark" just isn't there. i've never doubted the sincerity of these talks, for they've all felt very genuine, but it was something i didn't do...i didn't deliver "the spark." why can't i deliver that spark?
i have before...at least i think i have. granted i've broken up with all the girlfriends i've had, but based on the reactions at the time of those talks, it seems like "the spark" was there. that sounds awful to actually say, but you know what i mean? if that spark wasn't there, then breaking up wouldn't have been so hard to do...or hard to take, right? i just don't know. i do tho that the last two girls i've been into have had the "you're great, but i don't want to date you" talk. both times i sensed it was coming but it sucked nonetheless. i do appreciate the honesty tho. i really do. sadly i've lost touch with the first, but i think that's mostly because she was ready to be done with seattle and i moved away so our common ground of seattle was fleeting. most recently it all came to be and came to an end quickly. because of my lack of luck i didn't let myself get too excited, but it was hard to contain it completely. rather quickly tho i felt that all too familiar change in the air, and knew something wasn't quite right. i was right. damn. thankfully tho, her upfrontness and honesty will definitely save our friendship. so essentially no harm no foul.
now i didn't share all this to make these women feel bad if they read this. not at all. i wish them no ill-will or anything like that. i simply was using personal examples to illustrate my point that this has happened to me...both recently and in the past. and while it's true that it's nothing i did or didn't do...i'm the one who didn't deliver that spark. maybe it was never supposed to be there, so i never had a fighting chance...maybe the timing was wrong, either i missed my chance or it's still yet to come...maybe the spark is there but i just haven't met the right woman yet. i just don't know. and not knowing. is. the worst. i guess that's what's so funny and so great about love...you can't always make sense of it. when it's not right, it's just not right no matter how perfect it may seem "on paper." adversely tho, when it is right (and maybe this is the sappy romantic in me but...), that spark will be evident and make it so worth the ups and downs that lead you to her.
i was going to end it there but something funny just happened. as i sat down to blog i was thinking about the phrase c'est la vie and it's english translation. that's life. i happen to know and own a song by Michael Bublé called "That's Life." I listened to it and pulled this quote out from the start of the song...
"that's life. that's what all the people say. ridin' high in april. shot down in may. i know i'm gonna change that tune...when i'm back on top in june. i say that's life. as funny as that may seem."
after listening to the song i decided to listen to the album from the start and have had it playing while i typed away. just as i finished my last thought about "the spark" and how it's worth waiting for, "that's life" came on again and i couldn't help but laugh to myself. i don't necessarily believe in fate, but i don't really believe in coincidences either. so that song coming on at that exact moment it did...too perfect.