Friday, May 6, 2011

My feet are cold

Maybe you could say I have cold feet. Quite literally though, at this very moment, my feet are freezing. I wasn't sure what to title this and in my search for a title I suddenly became aware of how cold my feet were...then I laughed because the idea of "cold feet" can definitely be applied to my life right now.

I had a rough April.

My roommate informed me he had an offer to move out, but wasn't sure if he was going to move. At the time I had a strong feeling he would move, so when he told me he was indeed moving out I wasn't really surprised. I couldn't afford to live in the apartment by myself, so I needed to find somewhere else to live. My options were very limited, as most of my friends were not looking for a roommate, or were married...and not looking for a roommate. My only real option meant moving back home to live with my mother and sister. Not a bad option, because I love my family and know I can always rely on them in times of need, but home is 35 miles away from Seattle and all my friends there. Not too far, but I don't have a car.

A week or two later, my girlfriend broke up with me. I knew something was up, but figured we would talk about it and work it out. So I was incredibly surprised when we broke up. We had only been together for two months or so, but as a a romantic and someone who wears his heart and emotions on his sleeve, it hurt. This was also the first time I had ever been broken up with. No bueno. I knew it wouldn't be easy to deal with, but wasn't prepared just how hard it was going to be...and how much it was going to hurt. We're still friends, and I don't see that changing but it's been that much harder to get over her when we work together.

Speaking of work, an opportunity for a promotion came my way in mid-April. Right after I knew my roommate was moving out, right in the middle of the awkwardness with the girlfriend, and right before we broke up. I needed a win, and this felt like it was going to be it. I didn't feel great about my interview, but not because of anything I did. It felt like I was being rushed out of the building, like "hey thanks for coming in, but we've already made up our mind to give the job to someone else." Then I thought maybe the manager just wanted to beat the traffic, because he mentioned how he misses traffic, but only if he leaves by a certain time. Not quite a week later, I get a call, at work, from the store manager. I work retail, so I felt that calling me at work was pretty unprofessional. He said I interviewed very well and I am absolutely ready for take on the responsibility of the promotion...but he was going with a different candidate. WHAT!?!

So like I said...April was definitely sub-par.

We're almost a week into May now, and while this month is going much better, I feel like I'm still in a funk...or something. I don't know quite how to articulate it. I need to find a new job. I enjoy parts of my job, and really like most of the people there; I've even found a group of co-workers that I think of as my work family because they're that awesome. Even so, my job doesn't challenge me, doesn't pay me enough and has me working hours that are all over the place...but such is the nature of working retail.

And now we tie in the title :) I'm scared to put myself out there...and always have been. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I'm still pretty guarded. I know I'm capable of doing so much more with myself professionally, but I'm scared of putting myself out there and hearing no, or hearing yes and failing. That most recent "no" was the third one in the past 10 months for moving up to the next level with my current employer. My most recent apartment in Seattle was preceded by almost a year living at home, and now I'm back again. I need a change...I need to be the change I want to see in my own life...but I have cold feet.

May is going better, but I want better than better. Maybe it's too much to take on all at once...a new job, moving back out on my own, buying (affording) a car, finding that special someone...but I'm hoping to use these next few weeks/months to start making some small steps that will pay out big dividends.