Tuesday, December 23, 2008

When did that happen?

How is 2008 almost over? I mean seriously. It feels like just recently I was all snazzied up, raising my glass of champagne (or was it sparkling cider...hmmmm) and ringing in 2008 with some good friends, and a friendly wager with my buddy Sizer. I half-jokingly said I was going to give up booze for the whole year. He said I couldn't do it. That turned my joke into a serious challenge. We only bet $10, but it was more the idea that he didn't think I could make it, and that I wanted to prove him wrong that was the driving force behind the bet. I didn't make it, but definitely felt I could have. I realized 2008 was going to be a year of firsts, and big deals that were going to call for a celebratory drink. So I gladly payed him $10 and went to Prost! for a bier sometime in March or April.

I kind of went off of the "not drinking for a year" tangent, but it really doesn't seem like that was nearly a year ago. Crazy. This last year has been a memorable one for me. Started off with the "no booze" challenge. Then I got laid off from WaMu, but moved rather easily to Wells Fargo. After a few months I got laid off again. Sweet. Twice in four months.

During that time though, while with WaMu, I went to Vegas, for only the second time ever, with my office. Such a blast. I know I never finished my three part blog about the trip but it was killer. They are going again in a month, January 2009, but sadly I won't be able to join them. Too bad too, they're a lot of fun...man I miss that office.

In June I went to New York with my old college roommate. First time in NYC for the both of us. We met up with another old college roommate, Walt, and saw a game at Yankee Stadium before it closed at the end of the 2008 season. We got to see Ken Griffey Jr. hit a HR, and I believe it was the last one he hit in Yankee Stadium. Walt headed back down to the DC area, but Jon and I mastered the subway system, walked around in Times Square, got my picture taken with the Naked Cowboy, threw the frisbee in Central Park, and got to see the Mariners play the Mets at Shea Stadium before it closed at the end of the 2008 season. The M's won behind the first ever grand slam by a pitcher, courtesy of Felix Hernandez. The whole trip was great. I love baseball, and so does Jon, so it was very cool for both of us to experience the New York stadiums, and even cooler than we got to do it together.

In July one of my best friends, and still a great friend, Sizer, got married in central Oregon. He asked me to be in the wedding, which was a blast. All of the groomsmen had become friends over the past several years so it was a lot of fun to see them all and hang out, have fun, and be there to celebrate our friend's wedding. We played golf, lawn games, poker, drank beer and just let loose and enjoyed being together. The wedding itself was beautiful. Size looked so sharp, and his lovely bride Elise was stunning. The night before the wedding one of our friends said it would be cool if we all walked up and gave Size something random when we walked up the aisle to our places. That turned into..."wouldn't it be sweet if we got him a wedding Mr. Potato Head and each gave him a piece of that?" Thanks to my mom, we were able to pull that off, which completely surprised Size, and was really fun to be a part of. The reception was a blast too. Beer, champagne, music, dancing, good friends, being outside...it was great. Despite the long drive to get there, it was a fantastic weekend.

I also took my then current roommate, Dan, to Vegas for his birthday in August. It was his first time there and we had a good time. Gambled too much, lost more money than we wanted, but did manage to play blackjack in 30 different casinos. Took him to dinner at this delicious Brazilian bbq place where we got the "all you can eat meat fest"...or whatever its called. OMG is it tasty. Also got to see the Sirens show at TI (just the free show they do out front, but still cool), and we stopped to see the water show at the Bellagio (like in the end of Ocean's 11), and finally made into old Vegas, or downtown. I love going to Vegas, and after having been twice (pretty recently) I felt I could show him a good time and think I did well.

In September was when I got laid off from Wells Fargo, and since then things have been different. I was still living with Dan then, and he started dating a girl. It had been a long time since he'd been in a relationship, so it was understandable that he was all "twitterpated" over her, plus they're a good fit for each other. So I saw him less, which I understood, but it took some adjusting to get used to. In October we decided we were going to each move out and go our separate ways as far as our living arrangements were concerned. He moved out in mid-November...and that was weird. Had to adjust to not living with Dan, and living alone. I thought I was going to move into a studio and live alone too, but that didn't pan out so well. Lucky for me my friend Melanie was looking to move and so we decided to move in together. Found this fabulous place in Ballard, and we moved in this month. She has two cats, and I'm not a cat person, but they're pretty cool. Never lived with a girl before either, but Mel is bomb, and the cats are entertaining so its all good...just new and different.

And that's about it...I think...as far as the highlights go. Plenty more happened, but those are the "BIG" things I can think of right now. Lots of good times spent with friends, camping trips, new friends, old friends, trivia nights, all nighters, 4th of July at Gasworks, a trip to Spokane, a trip to Portland, many Mariner's games, a few Seahawks games, countless happy hours, but all in all a pretty damn good year. Even with being laid off, and being currently unemployed, I'll remember 2008 for all the good that happened.

Unfortunately for 2009, its not going to start off on the best foot. I will more than likely still be unemployed, which is now becoming a much bigger problem than it was in September and October. Even so, I have high hopes for 2009 to be every bit as good as 2008. A lot has changed for me in the last quarter of 2008, some good and some bad, but I'm hoping to make more good changes in the new year. I'd even venture to say I'm optimistic...and coming from someone who considers himself a "realist," that's a pretty bold statement. Ah yes, I do believe 2009 is going to be my year :)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I stole this from a friend/quasi-faux-brother of mine. Here goes...

Because I can. You can, too!

Rules so you can play along at home.
1. Put Your iTunes on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
*5. Tag at least X value friends.
*6. Anyone tagged has to do the same, because fun pointlessness spreads like a virus.

*stolen from facebook...so these make more sense

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say?
"bullet in the head"
-rage against the machine
[mildly cryptic but clearly its not ok...]

How would you describe yourself?
-ben folds five
[oh yea...i am totally a chain smoker so this is perfect]

What do you like in a guy/girl?
"it's a heartache"
-bonnie tyler
[oddly enough...this is seemingly true. always seem to find girls right after a hard break-up]

How do you feel today?
"cupid's chokehold"
-gym class heroes
[semi-recently...yes...but not today so yay!]

What is your life’s purpose?
"touch your button carnival jam"
-wyclef jean ft. many other artists :)
[i haven't a clue what this could even being to mean...]

What is your motto?
"drunk girl"
-something corporate
[well that's just trouble...]

What do your friends think of you?
-green day
[i had no idea...damn]

What do you think of your parents?
"i summon you"
[this is just nonsense...tho oddly, i did call (summon?) my mom like four times today]

What do you think about very often?
"big casino"
-jimmy eat world
[well i do love vegas...and have been talking about going in january]

What is 2 + 2?
"my name is (dc flag remix)"
-mc chris

What do you think of your best friend?
"forever man"
-eric clapton
[well that's comforting...tho i'm not sure who i'd call my best friend]

What do you think of the person you like?
"bleed american"
-jimmy eat world
[our hearts, littering the top soil...wuh oh!]

What is your life story?
"sometimes you have to ask yourself"
[so the answer is another question that's more or less the same as the original question :/]

What do you want to be when you grow up?
[again with the answer being the question...and why do i have disturbed???]

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
"all of your love"
[aawwww...hey ben's answer works for me too...awwwww to that]

What will you dance to at your wedding?
"start the show"
-common ft. kanye west
[um...i guess not]

What will they play at your funeral?
"oh god, where are you now? (in pickeral lake? pigeon? marquette? macki?)"
-sufjan stevens
[that's erie...mention of God and a question of where He or i will end up...somber song too]

What is your hobby/interest?
"he can only hold her"
-amy winehouse
[lol...this is funny for a very specific reason that most people are clueless about...hahaha]

What is your biggest fear?
-nelly furtado
[...nuclear reactors? toxic waste? white stuff in a black light? hmmm....]

What is your biggest secret?
"where eagles have been"
[so secret i don't even know the answer...]

What do you think of your friends?
"not what it seems"
-something corporate [for the second time...odd for 4360 songs]
[that's ominous...i have two faced friends??? nooooooooooooooo!!!]

What will you post this as?
-justin timberlake
[lol...ok i will]

Monday, November 10, 2008

Another new week, another new...

I've got so many different ideas and thoughts tumbling around in my head but nothing is completely formed or solidified. Think of it as a freshly cleaned, but still damp and jumbled mess, of clothes thrown into the dryer. Everything is there, and will eventually come out as its own, single item...but for now they're all just caught in the tumble dry cycle. I wonder what the cranial metaphor for a dryer sheet would be?

New week, new blog but not much new here...well mostly. Still unemployed. The "in" I thought I had with WaMu has apparently vanished before it ever really went anywhere. I still need to find a new place to live, though the roommate has moved out...at least effectively. He has stuff here still, but his new place is fully functional and more home (for him) than our place is. Last night was the first night he spent at this new place. He's not slept here numerous times, but last night was different because he really doesn't live here anymore. It was weird. Always is when its my first night alone, like when he went to Europe...that it was 3am and freezing cold. I'll adjust, just like I did before, and enjoy the place to myself, but it will be weird adjusting. I've lived with the guy for over 2.5 years. The end of an era...or at least a quarter of a decade.

I have plenty more things I could just unload in the ol' blog here but I don't think those things are quite "dry" enough yet to pull out of the dryer. Usually if I let things tumble around long enough they seem to work themselves out just fine, or are ripe enough for sharing. In these next few days I hope to get up some more entries about a new CD I just bought and absolutely love, a rant-type post about things that "grind my gears" and hopefully some promising leads on a job or a new place to live.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I think it's time...hahaha

No but really. I laugh because this post is about patience, being in a hurry, always being concerned with time...and how that's been popping up in front of me more and more as of late. Its also time for my next tattoo...I think.

A good friend of mine just posted about time, and how time moves and is viewed differently depending on where we are physically, and where we are mentally. For her, she was physically in the Caribbean and mentally on vacation. Time was so liquid and so irrelevant, for the most part...until she got back home, to Seattle, and was met with impatience of everyday life in the big city. For me, for some time now, I've been mentally on vacation and physically sitting on my ass at home. As was the case for my friend, time has been liquid, irrelevant, trivial. The days kind of blur together and I sometimes don't know if today was Monday, or if Monday comes tomorrow...or if it was yesterday. Unfortunately, that's not quite as relaxing as being on vacation and having the importance of time slowly fade away with the wake of the cruise ship...but I can empathize with her and share some of my own positive experiences.

Awhile back I posted about hupomone, the Greek word for patience. Now I'm not going to get up on my pedestal and tell you I never get impatient or act impulsively because that would be pompous, self righteous and flat out not true. I have however, really learned to be more patient in numerous aspects of my life and it always brings a little smile to my face when I realize my patience. Most often its in my car, where I used to be Mr. Impatient, but now I tend to just go with the flow and usually don't let traffic, or "idiot" drivers get the best of my temper or my patience. I just crack a small smile, laugh to myself that this used to piss me off something fierce, and continue on as my surrounding factors allow me to.

Recently what's helped with this even more was something I read, which said 60 mph is the ideal, or maybe max speed, at which you maximize your miles per gallon...and that even going 65 mph, a mere five miles per hour faster, is equivalent to that gallon of gas costing you another $0.30 per gallon. Geez! So instead of that fantastic last fill up being $2.79/gallon, it was more like $3.09 or more when I'm in a hurry in my car. So now I try to just cruise at 60 mph, and my driving irritations have been reduced to those people who think 50 mph is an acceptable freeway speed when there's no traffic, and the guy who cuts me off so he can pass one more car before he gets back over into far right lane to get off at the (only 100 feet to the) upcoming exit. Why do so many people feel the need to pass one more car before exiting the freeway? I don't get it.

So patience is a learned skill...and one worth having the patience to acquire :)

Speaking of waiting, I've been wanting some new ink pretty much since I left the shop with my first tattoo back in March/April of 2007. My first tattoo was somewhat spontaneous, but I'm very happy with what I chose, because it means something to me. I'm proud to have the first initials of my father (D), mother (K), sister (S), and brother (A) permanently wrapping my left forearm with a nautical star in between each letter. At the time I didn't know this, but the nautical star has many meanings, one of which is traced to old days of nautical navigation where sailors would get the star as "means of bringing good luck to guide them home." Another meaning comes from those serving in the military who get the star as a symbol for "finding one's path home" or the symbolic meaning of "finding ones way in life." So for me, its a symbol to me that no matter where I am, or where they are, my family represents home. The buildings and cities may change, but they will always be home. So I lucked out that the "cool looking star" I wanted, also has some relevant and meaningful symbolism with the rest of my tattoo.

Those simple letters and symbols have great significance to me, and I wanted my next tattoo to have just as much meaning. That's meant waiting to discover or create my next tattoo. I'm still not entirely sure what it will look like, but its becoming more and more clear to me what elements I want included...and that the artistic stylization I can discuss with the tattoo artist. Learning to be more patient has been very important and helpful to me, and its one of those universal truths that I think we often overlook. Being patient is hard, but worth it. So I want the word hupomone included in my next tattoo, as well as the Greek word for the kind of love that is divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful...agape. I really like that definition too, and that word has been with me since a youth trip back in high school. From that same trip, there was a cross that hung from a necklace all of the youth received while at the conference we attended. It was a very unique cross that now hangs on my wall as a beautifully carved piece of wood. My mother had it made for me, and it reminds me of that amazing trip (which she came on with me) and is a tangible example of agape in my life. So while I don't have much yet on how these elements will all fit together to make an aesthetically pleasing tattoo, I know they mean a lot to me and that's really all that matters.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A good indicator...

So these pics aren't of the current beard but they are past pictures that will give you a good idea of what the ol' beard looks like before I get rid of it and deny it the chance to burst forth into its current awesome glory. So enjoy these for now...

This may be my favorite picture of me...ever.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

They grow on you...

Beards do. Literally. Well maybe not you but all over my face. I'm growing out my beard in preparation for halloween and have mixed feelings about it. Beards are wicked cool. There is no denying that. I feel however, that my beard is somewhat lacking in awesome. Its too scraggly...or something. I'd prefer a nice, sleek looking beard...like um...Abe Lincoln...or someone equally as awesome. It also keeps my face warm in this biting cold front that has settled in over Seattle. Sometimes it itches, but other than that I guess my beard rocks.

Its been a week or so since I last shaved, and I usually don't go too much longer before I tame my facial beast of beardliness...but for now it stays through halloween...maybe even on into "no shave" november. I've always wanted to do that but never have.

Hmmmm...I recommend you grow a beard if you can. They kick ass.

That's all :)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

How I Met Your Mother

I love Mondays. At least lately. Mondays have meant putt putt, Heroes, How I Met Your Mother, and my new favorite show, Raising the Bar. It also can mean Prost! trivia night. For the second week in a row Drinks On The Links (DOTL) was canceled because of the nasty Monday weather we seem to keep getting. Well...I like the rain so I don't mind, but I would like to play our last round of putt putt in our super hero costumes so c'mon rain give us a break!!

Instead, because of the weather, I went to Prost! for trivia. I met my friend Jason there who's incredibly smart. Just the two of us and we finished tied for 2nd out of six teams. The winning team, who we only lost to by five points, had nine people on their team. So I felt pretty good about our performance, pretty happy with the tasty bier and pretty content with the rainy weather.

I also watched HIMYM and it dealt with significant changes facing the main characters. Most of them were moving: some were moving into a new home to start their new married life together, one was moving out of state (ok NJ is still close to NY but its NJ so...) to move in with his fiancee and her seven year old daughter, and the other was moving to Japan for a new job. They were packing up the apartment shared by three of them, and in the process ended up reminiscing about all the good times they shared in the apartment. So needless to say it got me thinking about how I'm preparing to move soon, start a new job (oh I hope that happens soon) and how many good times I've had in my current residence. I love to reminisce with friends about the good times we've had because it gives you a nice, natural high...that warm fuzzy feeling. And I like that feeling.

Looking back I remember: the numerous times people have slept in the Harry Potter closet, the countless games of HORSE in the garage with the Nerf hoop, the familiar games we've played, and the new ones we've come to love and/or invent (The The Game, Drunk Driver-High Jack, Celebrity, Three Man, Jungle Speed, etc), all the good men we've lost while struggling to fight the good fight...and win each round of Halo (hahaha), how hard we've rocked Guitar Hero & Rock Band, the silly fun we've had with the Wii and "cut the rope," mario kart, tennis, bowling and bungie buddies, the birthday parties, the impromptu luaus, the "for no reason other than its a Friday night" parties, the new friends we've made and the conversation we've had with them, the injuries we've sustained, the chairs we've broken (oh wait...that's just me :D), the way we all knew how to break in through the back door, the "gangsta" food we've eaten, the TV shows we've eagerly waited for and happily watched, the things we've built (and then had to watch them break because of freak garage door accidents), the pranks we've pulled, the movie nights we started...and never quite finished, the friends that have stayed the night/weekend, and the friends that we'll always have no matter where we live.

I do feel its time to move on, but these past 18 or so months have been a blast. I was talking about this to a friend the other day how there's always been "the boys' house" within our group of friends and how when Goldie Bear & I move out on our own...that won't exist anymore. First all four of us single (well one was engaged but not married so he's single for all intensive purposes) guys lived together in the Greenlake house. Man we had some good times there too. Fa sho. Then one of us got married, another engaged and married and the two remaining single guys have been living together at what has been the new version of "the boys' house." Its where we congregate, be around friends, be ourselves, and just have a good time. I hope that even without "the boys' house" we'll all still hang out just as much and form just as many good memories as we have at the other places. I hope we will and don't see any reason why it wouldn't continue...but it will be different and a little weird at first.

Life changes, so often and in so many ways, and I'm just grateful that while so much around us changes, that one thing has stayed the same...my Seattle friends. I have some great friends who don't live as close, and I love them just as much as my friends here, but in a different way. I've known this all along, but its just recently set in just how much they all mean to me. Part of it is time has taken them a little further away, part of it is some of them are temporarily hundreds of miles away on a cruise and I miss them, and part of it is I'm not sure how often we'll all be able to get together after "the boys' house" is no more. So to my Seattle peeps (and those two that fled the country then moved to Olympia :P), the longtime friends and the new ones that I've made recently...I love you all dearly and am extremely grateful to have you all so close and see you so often...even if its not always as often as I'd like :)

Monday, October 13, 2008

So sleepy...

Warning...I'm about to whine about not getting enough sleep this weekend even though I can sleep in tomorrow, and tuesday, and wednesday, and...just FYI.

I had a good weekend. And yes, I did not get to sleep past 8:30 on either day so I'm quite sleepy.

As much fun as it is to recount my weekend, that's not what this blog is about. I had a good time with some friends, and got to attend the (sadly disappointing) Seahawks game with a friend I hadn't seen in months...so a very fun weekend indeed.

This evening I finally had some time to myself, and while I did spend some of it passing out in the recliner, then the sofa, then the floor (amazing chili cheese nachos induced coma/not enough sleep the night before), I also just zoned out in front of the TV and let my mind wander. I still feel like my brain is in overdrive and I'm not sure why. Well I have plenty of things going on to keep my mind busy, but I'm not sure what triggered it this evening. Typically a movie, or a good talk with someone will get the ol' noggin thinking but it was just me and bad TV tonight. So I'm still puzzled with why my mind is racing right now...

Perhaps life is a giant game of chess. There's lots of different "pieces" to life and right now I feel like the pieces are scattered in the dark. I can't see where everything is, and because of that I don't know which moves to make, or which pieces to move. That sounded far too doom &l gloom. Just trying to speak metaphorically about my life right now and how there's so much uncertainty surrounding me. Seems like that's all I post about anymore, but hopefully some of those pieces will start "falling into place" or at least start moving in the right direction.

For me right now, I'm not entirely sure what that right direction is but I do believe that it means moving. I'm hoping this will happen by the end of November, but I need a job first before I can move so first things first. If you do know of any great places (looking to live alone for the first time!), please let me know. I'm really hoping that this struggle to get a new job (to even find the motivation to get off my ass and look for work) is the biggest obstacle, and that the other things will start falling in place after I clear that first hurdle. Not saying that I expect things to magically work out for me, or that it will be easy, but I have this feeling. A feeling that involves me kicking my own ass even harder than I have been (or have been trying to do), and how that's going to translate to good things...a new, enjoyable job, a new place to live, a new sense of positive change.

Maybe step one wasn't finding a new job...maybe it was getting a positive outlook for what's to come. I've not necessarily been negative, but I've definitely not bee overly optimistic. Just kind of "meh" about it all. Well tomorrow is the start of a new week, filled with new opportunities and I think a positive outlook is about as good a start as I could have hoped for :)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

technically its tuesday

i said i'd blog more today...monday...and for me it still is monday even though technically its tuesday by 36 minutes. my blog. my rules. my awesome :)

i feel surprisingly refreshed and hopeful today. not that i was destitute or anything, but there's been a lot of me sitting around, being lazy, feeling sorry for myself that i'm unemployed and just an overall patheticness that ends right now.

i don't know why i am the way that i am...but i'm done with sitting around and being mopey about it. the odd thing is nothing particularly good, or special, or unique happened today. i slept in. watched some tv. ate some ramen for lunch. napped. worked on my itunes library. chatted with my roommate a bit about football. but i did just watch forgetting sarah marshall. and sadly i was a little let down. it ended up being one of those movies where everyone tells you its hilarious and awesome and the soooooooooo good...then you watch it, and its not bad, but it doesn't live up to the hype. that being said, i'm still glad i watched it...even tho (as I was warned) there was far too much frontal male nudity. anyway...movies always make me think, and this one was no different.

i'm not going to give a rundown of the movie and how it somewhat parallels my life right now...sort of. i used to do that. but meh. i'm over that. it just felt like a real movie...except for the lead female being a famous movie star and her new bf being a famous rock star...but other than that :) it helped me realize that you can only move forward...if you move forward. sitting around, whining, and feeling sorry for myself isn't going to get me anywhere. and while i appreciated the help from my mother, and suggestions from others, nothing was going to happen until i wanted to make it happen. so simple and yet so difficult to see, and ultimately grasp.

so tomorrow i'm implementing the rule i set for myself when i got laid off: up by 9, job hunt, apply, etc until noon or so (at minimum), then do something constructive each day, if not job hunt more. such constructive things could be cleaning my room, doing dishes, cleaning the bathroom (ugh and eww!), actually using those free weights in the garage, reading a book, going for a run, volunteering, or just bettering myself in some way physically, spiritually or emotionally. as i was typing this i was reminded of a scene from Garden State, and went and looked up the quote. it doesn't fit perfectly, but i think its adapts fairly well...

"This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better."

This is my life. i'm 25 and feel its time for a change, whatever that change may be...and things aren't just going to change on their own. I can't keep waiting for things to get better, I need to do something...get proactive in my own life...so the first change is gonna be with me, because really that's all there is to change. I can change my job, or my house, or my car, clothes, shampoo, music taste...whatever...but to really make a change you gotta start within. For me that means being more self-confident, taking some initiative and holding myself accountable. Now I don't mean to "too my own horn" but I think I got a pretty good base person going on here, I just need to tweak a few things...and find a freaking job.

So that's what's up with me right now. On a monday, that's actually a tuesday, i'm taking the first step towards the next chapter of my life...and for the first time since I got laid off, i'm excited to get started.

Excited to shake shake, shake shake, shake it (up)...a little :)

Monday, October 6, 2008

shake, shake...shake, shake....shake it

"shake it" is this new song i downloaded...well it was released in 2007...but its new to me. and i love it. its upbeat. fun. makes me want to dance. all good things in a song...for me. its by Metro Station and i recommend you give it a listen.

its almost 2am right now i don't feel like staying up much later...which means any blog of real length and substance will have to wait until tomorrow. i did want to make a quick post tho about how i'm ready (i hope) to shake things up a bit in my life. in a good way. in a committed, accountable, positive change kind of way. i'll talk more about it in the next post but seeing as its now monday, i felt compelled to "shake it up" a little right now.

i also deleted my other blog, for those of you who read it. it was another glorious example of when it comes to myself, i have the best intentions but a disappointing resolve for follow through. my blog was going to follow my progress as i started to eat healthier, exercise more and lose weight. the blog and the objective failed...but as part of the shake up i'm hoping to start making improvements in that arena and didn't want the failed blog lingering. and it just didn't feel right, or good, or whatever to ressurect the old blog with my new "shake up."

stay tuned for more on shaking action soon!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

What is the f***?

Good freaking question. And a funny inside joke (what up Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!?!?!).

I've gone from unemployed, to unsure about what I want to next to so paralyzed by uncertainty that I'm doing nothing. I hate this. I'm stuck in the revolving door of fear and the unknown...which only prevents me from doing anything to move forward and feel better...to release the stress...to remove this self-imposed burden.

I need a job. I want a job because sitting at home all day everyday lost its appeal over two weeks ago. I don't know what I want to do next though. And that, mixed with my own inability to self-motivate, has caused me to do virtually nothing to find work. I baffle myself. At times I can be highly motivated, and the complete opposite of lazy...and yet right now those attributes are nowhere in sight.

If that weren't bad enough, or maybe this is another part of the problem but on a deeper level, I feel as though life is moving forward for everyone around me...but for me its standing still. Warning: I'm not being dramatic...but I feel as though life is moving forward for everyone around me...and yet I'm standing still. Everyone in my sphere is making progress towards something...work, careers, relationships, hobbies...something. New jobs, kicking ass at the job they've had for awhile, getting married, being married and taking the next step...starting a family...something good, something wonderful, something moving them forward.

Odd enough I'm not looking for pity here. I know I have plenty "going for me," as cliche as that is to say. If I sat down, worked hard and applied myself I'm sure I'd find a job in no time and be on my way. But again the problem is I don't know what I want to do. So its really hard to completely throw myself behind something...when I don't know what that something is. That's tough. I was kind of here before when I was working for WaMu and was thinking about quitting. Then I found out I was going to be laid off, then was offered basically the same job at Wells Fargo...and there was nothing else on the radar...so I took the new job. Then I got laid off again, only this time there's no fall back job. No safety net. Wouldn't be as bad if this wasn't the second time I was laid off in four month.

Getting laid off sucks no matter what, but unfortunately (and yet fortunately at the same time), I'm experiencing this alone. It seems like everyone around me...and I mean everyone...has someone "significant" to turn to right now...whether that be a new boy/girlfriend, an established partner, a wife, husband or even a best friend. Again, not looking for pity, but I don't have any of those. No wife, no girlfriend, no "prospects" (for lack of a better term) in sight, and I have good friends, but no one I consider my best friend. Not sure that I've ever had a "best friend" though. Lots of good friends...great friends...even people that were my best of friends...but really no best friend. Luckily though, I don't have someone relying on me to bring home a paycheck. No family depending on me to provide. So that's a small comfort in all this.

Who knows how much of this made sense. I've got a nice little beer buzz going and so this could very well just be incoherent babbling. I know I'm typing this, but that part of me that decides whether this is good idea to post for public viewing or not is still busy drinking those Coronas. Then again maybe I know what I'm doing and just need to let all this internal confusion, frustration and fear out into the open...get it out there and hope that it helps.

Only tomorrow will tell...

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

No tenga miedo

How much Spanish do you speak? Bastante? Muy poco? Solamente francés?

I'm done now. Sorry. I sometimes think in Spanglish...or sometimes straight Spanish. Its kind of fun, and yet often terribly confusing when I'm playing word games (like Scattegories) and my mind is thinking of answers in Spanish.

WOW...so back on topic :)

No tenga miedo translates as "don't be afraid." Its a little motto I need to apply and appreciate in my life right now. I feel like I'm at a major crossroads in my life right now, and have no idea which of the 14 paths (exaggeration for effect, i.e. hyperbole) to head down. I don't know if one is better than another, if one is ultimately the wrong choice, if heading down one path will close off the others forever, or if I can choose one, decide its not for me, and be able to come back to where I am now. I don't know that I want to come back to right now either. Not saying right now is bad, but I'm not sure that I'll want to come back to how life is at this moment...mainly the unemployed part. I'm scared to make the next move, and even more afraid to make the wrong move...and/or not making a move and then having my path chosen for me based on my lack of decision making ability.

Does any of this makes sense? I feel like I'm aimlessly rambling over the keys right now...

This has been laying rather dormant and subdued within me. I played it all off pretty cool...the getting laid off again. Just accepting it (which was really my only option) and not being worried about what was next. Well give me the Oscar then...or maybe I didn't pull off the performance as well as I thought I was. Doesn't matter now. What prompted this post, and this confession of fear, was a brief conversation I had with a friend today. Her current job is less than satisfactory, and she's been looking for a new job, and in doing so a new career as well. She wants to do something meaningful and rewarding to her, instead of just having a job for the sake of being able to pay bills. That's important too, paying bills (unfortunate truth of living on your own), but she's looking for a change, even if it may not be as familiar and safe as her current job. She is good at her current job. She did the same thing before she moved to Seattle, and knew she what she was getting into, and how to excel at it. It was safe...and ultimately dull and unfulfilling.

Recently she's been looking for, and applying for new jobs...jobs that she really wants. She found her dream job, but as yet has not heard back (as far as I know). She also applied for another position, working with at-risk/troubled youth...for lack of a more PC and appropriate term. Kids who have issues, by their own doing or due to their environments, and need extra attention and/or strict discipline. A very intense environment, but one where she feels she can make a difference in the lives of these kids. So we were talking about that job opportunity today, and that's she excited because she thinks the position is going to be offered to her...but how at the same time it scares her. Its a new start (a new start she welcomes) but its going to be unfamiliar, unsafe (not literally, but in the sense that its something new and intense) and totally different than anything she's ever done before.

I told her its natural to be nervous and afraid, but that she's going to do wonderfully. She's got a good head on her shoulders, and even recognizes how hard this new transition will most likely be. Plus her heart's in it, and she's just a fabulous person on top of it all. I have no doubt she would be a wonderful asset to this new company, and an amazing mentor to the kids. And if that weren't enough, she's got some great people in her life to help her out when it gets tough.

After talking with her about that, I couldn't help but reflect on my own position of not only wanting to make a career change, but needing a job...because I'm unemployed. Unlike my friend though, I do not know what I want to do. I just know I want to do something different, and I need a job soon. And yet, in the same way that my friend is afraid to go for what she wants, I'm terrified of the unknown in my job search. I liked that sense of familiarity and comfort that a job brings...even if I didn't particularly enjoy the actual work I was doing. I did love the people, and that sense of security.

So I'm afraid. Fearful of what will happen next...because I honestly have no idea what that will be. Very little could change. Everything could change. Enough could change to feel like everything changed, then a few months later I'll realize life is basically still the same. And that's ok with me. I mean, I'm looking for a career change, but it doesn't have to be some life altering change too. In my mind I guess I've kind of made them out to be simultaneous...or linked in that finding a new career means the rest of my life will change along with my new job. But why? Why am I thinking that? I have expressed my interest in moving...that I'm kind of done with Shoreline. It's not that much cheaper (if at all) than lots of other areas of Seattle. It's too far away from everything, like downtown, Interbay, movie theaters (eh kinda), other friends, good bars, Prost!, a bowling alley, and Wendy's. Make fun of that last one but Wendy's is delicious, and the one in Shoreline closed several months ago and it upset me. The next closest one is in Ballard, which might as well be Siberia. (yay hyperbole!)

I don't like not knowing. It may be what I dislike most. Even what I hate most. And in this case, I can't really even direct where this ride is going. I can apply for jobs here, nearby, further away, way far away, but ultimately where I end up for my next job is out of my hands. Granted I need to impress, and wow my potential employers but I don't get to choose if they offer me the job or not. All I can do is apply, and hope that in my job search I find something amazing, exciting or fulfilling enough to get me less fearful about all this, and more pumped. I want to be more pumped about this opportunity I've been given (or that was forced upon me) to go after the very change I was wanting. Eek! Getting what I want is kind of scary this time...wish me luck :)

Monday, September 15, 2008

For the longest time

Oh Billy Joel...how true those words seem right now.

It feels like its been a very long time since my last post, and considering the last entry is dated August 5th, that's pretty much true. What makes it seem even longer is how much has happened over these past 41 days...or at least it feels like a lot has happened.

I've been meaning to get back here. To update. To blog. To vent. Not sure why I was suddenly so compelled at 1am on a Sunday evening/Monday morning to sit down and actually start typing. There has been lots of things going on, and many of which have almost steered me back here, so this post may be a bit all over the place, so please bear with me.

The biggest and most noticeable change is my employment...again. As I have blogged earlier (I believe I have anyway), my entire office was laid off at WaMu back in May, and then transitioned rather effortlessly to Wells Fargo. Since then, we have all gotten the hang of the "Wells way," but unfortunately the market improved very little if at all. For me, and for four other co-workers, this meant our termination with our new employer. Last Monday, the official word of our termination became finalized as rumors and speculation were put to rest with one simple conversation. The office knew cuts were coming, and then we knew how many, but until Monday we did not know for certain who would be cut...well everyone except me.

A few weeks ago, actually about an hour after I got back from my most recent Vegas trip, I went into work and spoke with my office manager about what was going on with the rumored lay offs. He was optimistic and hopeful for the future of the office and the market, but relayed to me that this job was only for someone who was truly dedicated to the craft...to the mortgage industry...to helping people with their finances through good loans...through hard work, long hours, perseverance and ultimately, sales. I don't sell. I can't sell. That's not easy for me to say because I don't like to admit defeat, but I am not a salesman. Not even a little. So when my manager had finished what he had to say, I responded as honestly as I could...and in doing so I more or less volunteered to be laid off. I said I loved the office, the things I had learned and the people I had worked with, but that mortgages, banking, sales, etc wasn't what I wanted to do. I was for a fresh start in a new line of work, even though I didn't (and still don't) have the slightest idea what that looks like yet. And as much as I didn't want to lose my job, I didn't feel right pretending I wanted to stay just for the sake of being employed...especially when I knew there were others in the office who truly wanted to stay.

So a week has now passed, well almost, and I am once again "unemployed." I put that in quotations because I'm still going to be paid by Wells Fargo for the next three weeks, and yet I am not required, or even expected, to go into work. The silver lining to yet another crappy situation. Last time it worked out better than I could've ever expected, and this time has worked out better than anticipated, but the fact remains that I do not have a job.

I took the last week "off" to rest up, relax, have fun and just enjoy not being at work for week. If only I could keep that up...unfortunately a job isn't going to magically appear like it did when I joined Wells so the next three weeks (hopefully not longer than that) are going to feature yours truly looking for a new job, everyday, until I find something new. Not sure what that will be, or even where that will be, but for now I'm open to just about anything in the business field. For the first time since I started my "professional career," I'm even ok with moving to find work...moving as in out of state, or across the state, or 100 miles from Seattle....or more. I've known for awhile now that mortgages and banking wasn't what I wanted to do for a career, so maybe changing jobs will also bring a new city, a new place to call home, a new opportunity for success. I don't know what will happen, but right now I'm ok with whatever "it" is.

That's unsettling and exciting at the same time.

Along with all this fun job stuff, I've had a myriad of other personal matters going on simultaneously. Most of that however is still not yet ripe for sharing, as I'm not even sure what it all means yet, but its been an interesting mix of pleasant and bothersome surprises. All I know is a few weeks ago I was the happiest I had been in a long time. Things were going well all around me, and I had started having these amazing conversations with a new friend that were helping me find inner peace. Not to say I was filled with turmoil, but I found these chats to be very calming...not immediately, but after reflecting on the topics we discussed and getting more introspective...I felt great. Sadly those chats haven't happened as much as of late, and coupled with the ever looming task of finding a new job, that brief tranquility has been replaced with a familiar and yet completely new stress.

Now don't read this and freak out that I'm an emotional wreck over here. I actually feel emotionally stronger than I can remember. Just a little stressed, and yet too calm at the same time. I knew I was losing my job, so when it finally happened it wasn't a big surprise, and I was at peace with it...but it hasn't quite sunk in yet that I am no "unemployed" and need to find a new job...PDQ (pretty damn quick) or else these little stresses are going to turn into big time problems. Luckily I have some money saved up if the job search only turns up a few lemons, and if I had to, I can always move back home...tho the logistics of that aren't easy to figure out right now.

I just wanted to update people who read this and may not have heard about my job situation, but its also a way for me to let out some stress. I am doing well though, and will turn this little rotten apple of a situation into a delicious apple pie (ok wow...horrendous metaphor there...I apologize and promise I will end this soon and get the sleep I clearly need right now :D). Whatever happens though, I know I'll be ok. I have a great family who I love dearly, and plan to go see this next week with my time off :) And I have amazing friends. I really do. I'm truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. I know I don't always show my gratitude so well, and could definitely tell them more often how much they mean to me, but I hope they know how much they all mean to me...in so many different ways.

Ok. Enough with the sappy ending. I don't know why it always takes me so long to figure this out, or why I don't realize how often this happens and do something about it sooner...but my current stress level (being higher than normal) is (and always has been) a direct correlation to how good my relationship with God is. I haven't been to church since my last post about the Lord's Prayer, and while that's not the determining factor in how close I am to God, it helps. Its the time every week where I make the time for Him...I know I need to make more time for Him, but that, just like me, is a work in progress. Maybe I'll take my own advice (from the last post) and actually pray this week...and then go to church on Sunday.

Just typing that...thinking that...makes me feel better already :)

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Pray like this...

No. I am not going to tell you how to pray. I have no business telling you how to pray. I know no better than you. I do know what you should be praying though. And I bet you probably know the prayer, even if you've forgotten what it really means to pray this prayer. I'm talking about the Lord's Prayer. We've been talking, well Jim has been preaching about it, over the past several weeks and will continue for the next several weeks until we've dissected the entire prayer.

Jim, the lead pastor, has encouraged us to pray the Lord's Prayer every day, if not two or three times a day. To find that quiet place, that calming, tranquil place without interruption. For some its a familiar chair, or a quiet bench in a park, or perhaps even a few quiet moments to yourself when you get in to work first thing in the morning. I haven't found that place yet...but to be honest I haven't exactly been looking for it. I should. I need to. I want to.

This last Sunday we came to the part of the prayer that asks "give us this day our daily bread." Pretty simple request. Please provide enough for me to make it through the day. Enough. Not please give me a week's worth of food, not a month's worth, not a year's worth, but simply enough for today. If we had more than what was needed today then we'd have this invisible security blanket of knowing that we had enough for the year, month, or week. That on the first of the month, or on Monday morning we'd have more than we needed for today. Daily is the key here. Enough for today. No excess, no extra, no reserves...just a sufficient amount for this day, for today. Can you imagine if we truly lived our lives day to day? Anyone reading this probably has no idea what that's like...at least not firsthand...and definitely not actually living it. Instead, we as Americans live our lives in excess. Even the most devout, humble and selfless of us live in excess.

It is the American way if ever there was one for the new millennium. Sure we now have hybrid cars, but they fit seven people (when we only have a family of three or four), and come loaded with CD, MP3, AC, DVD, GPS, ABS, sun roof, power windows, power seats, cruise control, heated seats, high performance sound systems, removable third row seating...and so much more. Are those features nice? Sure. Do we really need them all just to meet our daily needs? No, but we like that the options are available to us on a daily basis.

Funny thing that since I started this post I've been all googly-eyed over the iPhone. Talk about excess!!! I want one badly, but haven't yet been able to justify buying one and starting new service with AT&T. Don't know if I will be able to but I'd like to say I'm strong enough to deny myself this excess...only time will tell there.

I've also run this idea of living in excess by people during the last week. I got mixed results. Some people agreed with me, others mostly agreed but had their own take on it. Unfortunately that was earlier last week so I can't remember anything about it now.

I guess it all comes down to balance. I truly believe life is all about balance. Well...life is about a lot of things but much of it comes down to balance. For those parts of life where we live in excess, we should try to balance those areas out with some frugality. Not to say this is the right rationalization for an iPhone, but if I go so excessive with my cell phone maybe I balance that out with driving my car less...or start using re-usable grocery bags at the supermarket...or getting more involved with the church and really, really giving back while finding my lost relationship with God. Maybe I can start right now...maybe I can start by making time throughout the day to pray...to pray the way my Father taught me to pray:

Our Father who art in Heaven...I like the sound of that. I really like the sound of that.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I'm no Carrie Bradshaw...

...but I do have style.

Everyone has their own style...whether it manifests in their fashion, music taste, personality or in their careers. We all have our own way ("my way") of doing things, or interpreting the things that happen around us. We all have style.

My style is complex and yet simple at the same time. Simultaneously easy & yet often painstakingly difficult. A large portion of my style is driven by my need for order. For everything to be in its accurate place or position...accurate of course being relative to the eyes of the beholder, which in this case is me. My need for this order is borderline OCD...that's how serious it is. Most of these internal needs for order are easy to control and rarely interfere with how I interact socially with everyone around me. For instance, I can always adjust the volume so that its at an even number or level or ensure all the bills of my change are faced before putting them in my wallet. My things also have their own specific places, and while its easy for me to remember and keep track of...its makes it very difficult for someone else to help because they do not know the order. So if you ever offer to help, and I correct you or insist you do it another way, its not because I'm not appreciative or because I think you're incapable of figuring it out on your own...its just that I have an ever pressing need for my things to be in my order.

So that's part of my style. The part you can't as easily identify when I'm walking down the street, or rocking out to my guitar hero mix on Erasto, my ipod, in Bellerophan, my car (yay names!!). Speaking of names, shout out to Feisty Hips (my friend, not the baseball superstar) for giving me a gentle nudge to get back to blogging. This blog is another place where my style is evident, but at the same time the way I approach each post, and construct what I want to say, and even the formatting...that's not as obvious.

Style. I could go on and on about my style and how style is everywhere, everyday, at any and every moment...but I won't. I could tell you how anal retentive I am about things being organized alphabetically, or how I like to start walking across the crosswalk right before it changes, or how if its not raining and I'm driving then the windows in the car are going to be down, or how I put a lot of effort into treating people with respect and trying like hell to always do the right thing...but that's for another time...or not.

Right now is for confession...for admitting and recognizing my mistakes and shortcomings. For as hard as I try to do the right thing, and not make mistakes...on my best day I probably still make 10-12 mistakes or wrong decisions. Most of us do. We're human. We're imperfect by design or by nature...depending on how you want to look at it. I don't like making mistakes. I really, really don't like making mistakes...mostly because I feel I have a pretty firm grasp on my immediate world and as such, feel I should be able to react and perform in an accurate manner. So accepting that I'm going to fail and be wrong just as much as I succeed (if not far more often) is still a work in progress...still my style: construction in progress.

Part of the ongoing construction is taking place Sunday mornings. For the first time since before I went away to college, I am looking forward to and making the time to go to church on Sunday mornings. Up until recently going to church wasn't a priority or even something mildly important...sleeping in or living it up on Saturday nights were far more important. Now though, I'm working the other things in my weekend around going to church. Now I fully admit that just going to church is only a starting point for a relationship with God. Just going to church isn't nearly enough...but its a good first step, and for me it was a big one.

In a previous post (sorry I don't much feel like searching for it right now), I commented how I felt a new person in my life was bringing me back closer to God. So far its been true. And I haven't started going back to church because she does, or because it will make me look good in her eyes, or anything like that. I'm going for me. Because I want to. Because I feel better starting the week after reflecting on what was said, sung and shown at church. Granted I was out of town and traveling back to Seattle this last weekend, but I didn't make it to church and so far I've not had the best week. Not to say there hasn't been good in my week thus far, but overall this has been a pretty bad week for me. Coincidence? Not so much.

So while I don't have the slightest clue as to how things are going play out in general, and specifically in my life, I do know that I'm going to continue to make an effort to keep rebuilding my relationship with God. Why? Because its important to me. I am going to do my best to act right, live selflessly and try not to rely on my own understanding and rationale. Its going to be tough, but I know I can do it because I want to. I really want to...and "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).

Thursday, July 3, 2008


The M's are no longer the worst team in baseball...well I don't think we ever were but we've had the worst record for some time now but not anymore baby (haha...not with inward singing check it out...lol). After our win tonight and San Diego's loss, the Padres now own the worst record in baseball. Not us!!! Sweet! Plus I went to the game tonight, and while it was unreasonably muggy, the game was great and I got to see it with my dad, sister & brother. My dad had never been to Safeco before so I know it was a lot of fun for him. Apparently the M's are undefeated when any of them attend. 4-0 for my sister, 2-0 for Batman this season & now 1-0 for dad. It was great to see the game with them and great to finally see an M's win at home.

I really felt that Felix's home run in NYC (yes I was at that game and it ROCKED (more about that and my NYC trip soon I promise)) and taking two of three from the Mets was a turning point for the team. Since then they swept the Padres in San Diego and just took two of three from the Blue Jays at Safeco. I freaking love baseball.

Cubbies also won tonight too!!!

Monday, June 30, 2008

good stuff coming soon


i know its been awhile since i've posted. i got some grief for this recently. i'm aware. i have started an entry on my trip to NYC that i hope to finish soon. i've been busy and/or hurt and/or its been too hot to do anything except sit in front of a fan. but i promise by week's end my NYC post will be up and maybe some other stuff too. maybe even Vegas pt. 3...which would just be amazing considering that's pushing six months now since i was there last.


in the meantime here's a quick update: i joined a kickball league/team and our first game was this last sunday. had a blast but possibly pulled my right hamstring. it sucks. hard. its freaking ridiculously too hot right now. i'm a seattle area lifer so anything above 75 is too hot. above 85 is just mean. mean mean seattle weather. i mean i like it nice, but i also like to be able to enjoy it. damn sun. also i just finished my 6th punch card at prost! for anyone who cares/knows what that means.

ok time to pop some advil, ice up the hammy and go to bed. work tomorrow (but took today off to tend to the hammy and friday is the 4th of july so three day work week!!!).

jeah. go cubbies.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

yogurt pants

This has not been my best pants week. Not sure that anyone has a "good pants week" but if there was ever a "bad pants week" then this would be it...for me anyway. On Monday I ripped a nice 12 inch hole in the back of my pants. See that here. Then today I decided to start my new "eating better" journey with some yogurt instead of a Stabucks Cherry Almond Scone (which is oh so delicious btw but apparently much worse for you than I thought...yikes).

I was excited because I enjoy yogurt, especially blackberry, or in this case marionberry (which is more or less the same thing). Now I've eaten plenty of yourt before and am aware that it likes to squirt out when you take off the top, so I was aware of that fact when I started to open my yogurt. I figured if I opened it slowly it would only produce a small projectile splurb of yogurt. Balls...I mean false (LOL). Instead it shot all over my black pants, and despite a quick run to the men's room to carefully wipe it off and attempt to prevent a stain from forming this is what I walked around with on my pants all day...

So this isn't the best picture, and I feverishly rubbed a wet paper towl over the stained area earlier in the day before I took this picture, but there were 8-12 highly visible little white spots on my upper right leg...pretty much just to the side of the zipper. Picture where that is. Yea. So it looked even worse than just a random stain on my pants. Maybe you don't follow...that's ok...it just means your mind isn't as dirty as mine. And that's ok.

At least there have been no pants incidents thus far today (knock on wood). And no other wardrobe mishaps of any kind (k.o.w. again). I also feel much better, health-wise, than I did yesterday. So hopefully the horrid tos de la muerte is on its way out of my body along with my pesky pants problems. Ha. Isn't alliteration fun? Yes. The answer is unequivocally yes.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The Normal Sized Mo?

My friend Jordo (who needs to update his freaking dream blog) started calling me The Big Mo after he heard an ad on the radio for a mortgage company...or something related. In this ad, there's a family that wants to buy a new boat, or go on vacation, or do something fun and expensive but they can't because they're mortgage is too big...THE BIG MO SAYS NO! In this case "the mo" is their mortgage. He thought it was hilarious, and now I am The Big Mo, The Mo, Matty Mo, Mo, Moses, Mosephus & Mosephus the Red.

After sitting around the house all because I stayed home from work in order to try and kick my nasty cough, I've had plenty of time to myself to think about things. I've found myself being more patient, which is my current self-improvement project. Mostly its meant not getting angry at slow and/or rude drivers, but I'm catching myself before I start getting upset, keep myself calm and just go with the flow. Ha! Literally I just go with the flow of traffic. I posted about wanting to learn and exercise more patience, and I hope in doing so, those who read it will help me to keep it up. In that same line of thought, I'm hoping to start either a new blog, or recurring posts on my goal to lose weight and get in better shape. I know I'm no picture of perfect health, and could stand to lose a few pounds and eat better, but when a video game (Wii Fit) tells you that you're obese based on your BMI...it kind of sticks with you.

Obese, huh? I've never thought of myself as that out of shape and/or overweight but BMI is supposed to be a very accurate measure of just how overweight/in shape you are. I'm no expert, but I believe BMI is a direct correlation between how tall you are, how old you are, and how much you weigh. Most "healthy" people fall into a certain range, and depending on your career (professional athlete mostly) your BMI should fall into this range. A little higher and you need to hit the treadmill. Towards the top of the rating (yours truly), you need to start making some changes in your lifestyle.

So here goes.

I guess today is my farewell day. The day I wave goodbye (hopefully for good) to bad eating habits, poor exercise regimen & all that flabby weight hanging off my body. Again, as with things past, me and significant changes don't come very easily but I'm hoping that I can commit to posting update on my blog. As a result, I'm hoping that keeps me focused and helps those around me keep me on top of things as well. I've gotten some nice, positive feedback on the first self-improvement blog, and I'm hoping to get some of the same here.

Ok so I've decided to start a new blog about this. It will be easier to update, follow, post pics, etc. If you want to go check out my new blog then take a look over here. Or find it over here >>>> under the Blogtastic section and the name "The New Mo."


Cough cough cough...blar

So my roommate has this lingering cough that likes to surface, make him cough the most wretched sounding cough of all time, then get kind of better, then almost leave but not really, then come back as wretched as coughs past. All the while I keep telling "stop dying" every time his body keels over in a fit of said wretched coughing. Wretched is a fun word, but I digress. So about a week ago now, maybe, his tos de la muerte infected my perfectly innocent throat with its sickness. For the past several days I've been walking around hacking up all my inner organs while my roommate just kind of makes this snickery grin at me (wanting to tell me "stop dying" but I always tell him to shut it before he says the actual words...but oh how he wants to say them). I woke up this morning feeling the worst I have since I was infected (don't you love how this sounds like a horror movie with all the "infect" word uses...yea...awesome) so I stayed home from work to try and rest, drink lots of fluid, and hopefully get better. After a few horrid sneezing/coughing tirades this morning, I am feeling better...tho that could be because I just took a wonderful 45 minute nap while watching Newsies.

Being sick wasn't really all that blog-worthy, but an old high school friend left a comment on my pants fiasco post and I found this little survey on her blog so here goes:

3 Joys

-How I Met Your Mother: This show is freaking hilarious. Very funny, clever and can always cheer me up when I'm down...and it has NPH so that's a whole other dimension of awesome.

-my friends: Lately I've had many moments with friends, both old and new, where they make me smile. I love that. Whether its an unexpected gesture, some reassuring words, a hug, a bier, or just a much overdue phone call, I have some great friends and I appreciate them dearly.

-Costco runs at work: Ok so this has only ever happened twice, and once (yesterday) it caused my pants to split open, but other than that its been fun both times. Gets me out of the office for at least 90 minutes, gets me a hot dog or a surprisingly tasty chicken caeser salad, and a chance to wonder around Costco, which is always fun. Except for the long lines at the pump, and the register, going to Costco is always fun for me...I just love me some wholesale shopping I guess.

3 Fears

-Failing: I know nobody likes to lose, or fail, but for me it might be my ultimate fear. Not just failing, like oh you lose Monopoly for the 8th straight time, more like failing in life. Like everything I've worked for or accomplished will all come to some horrible crashing end for some unknown reason...or due to some terrible decision(s) I make down the road. I think this lends to why I'm so über competitive. I think this bigger fear has grown out of my past fear of being alone, or rather ending up alone. Some quiet time to myself is nice once in awhile, but I'm talking about being secluded and alone...being excommunicated...that type of alone. Luckily this fear has not been realized, and I hope it never does.

-Strangers at night: I think everything is a little scarier at night, but I'm pretty terrified of being jumped, mugged, beaten up, etc by strangers that pass me by at night time. I know part of this comes from being beat up and robbed at my own house my senior year of college. We had a house warming party in summer before school started. By the end of the night my house was filled with mostly strangers. Turns out the house had a history of being a big party house, and all of Spokane, at least the Northside, knew this. We didn't. So when I walked down the hall to my room and saw four or five people looting through my roommate's room, and then noticed my room had been gone through, I went upstairs to tell the few remaining people I knew. Went out the front into our huge, dirt driveway...well more like a giant hilly parking lot...only to get turned on by an angry fighting mob. I distinctly remember the fist as it flew at my right eye and I fell backwards to the ground. I remember trying to scoot away on the ground and having this chunky kid hover over me, kick me, and demand my wallet...which I didn't have on me. I then ran around back and called the cops. Through a friend, who's mom worked for the police, we found out the incident was officially labeled as "house party got out of control" and nothing to do with our stuff being stolen or us being beaten up. Tough lesson to learn I guess.

-Horses: I've never had much contact with them but I've heard too many injury riddled stories to not be afraid of them. Plus they are soooo strong and so much bigger than I am. Like I'm afraid to even go up to a horse and feed it a carrot, or pet its face, or anything like that. I respect their power and haven't been around them enough, with the right supervision or support, to see their gentler side. I hope I can get over that because I'd love to go horse back riding at some point. That seems like too much fun that's too easy to access to pass up. We'll see I guess...

3 Goals

-Throw out the first pitch at Wrigley Field

-Become a grandfather. Yes I know this seems off, by skipping the obvious step that has to happen first, but I know I'm going to be a father. I love kids too much to not have at least one of my own. What I really want is to live long enough to see my kid(s) have kids of their own. I can only imagine how wonderful that's going to be...to have this little child calling me grandpa and it being 100% true. Simply amazing.

-Work in the sports industry in some direct way. Whether its back office, financial work for the Cubs, or owning the expansion NBA team in 2040, or coaching...though that seems far less likely because I never played any sport passed high school. I love sports too much to not make it part of my career at some point. It only makes sense. Sports make me happy, so why not work in/for what makes me happy?

3 Current obsessions/Collections

-Sadly, the Real World Hollywood probably falls in the category. I'm usually more drawn into the Real World/Road Rules Challenge shows, but this Hollywood cast is so dynamic and explosive. I can't really explain why I'm so drawn to these shows but I am. I don't idolize them or anything, but they're like my little guilty pleasure when they're on.

-Facebook: OMG is that so true right now. Not only do I get text alerts for messages, pokes & wall posts, but this new chat feature has been logged in all day at work. Its nice to be able to chat to people throughout the day, but it doesn't end there. I get home and probably check my page about eight times before the night is over. Its never been like this before, so I have no idea what's going on now. Rar!

-M's games: Back before the season started I decided I was going to attend one game from every series. So each time the M's play a new team at home, I'm there. This includes teams they've already played at home, so long as there's time in between. For instance, the M's played the Angels from June 2-4, but will also play them again later in the summer. Each new Angels series is one more game I go to. So far I've made it to at least one game from each series. Its been fun. I've made friends with Dewayne who works the beer booth out in center field. He's hilarious. He looks like the guy in the foreground from Three 6 Mafia.

3 Random, Surprising Facts About Me

-I've never broken a bone. Ever. Never even sprained anything. Bruised a bone once when I kicked a chair because I was mad at my mom but that's it.

-The longest job I ever had was working for WaMu. I moved within the company, and had three different title, but nothing else even comes close. Before that it might been a part time job for like six or seven months, but I'd definitely not held a full time, 40 hour/week job, for any longer than a summer job. Funny thing I was laid off from WaMu and worked there for exactly two years. May 15th, 2006 was my start date and my official end date was May 15th, 2008.

-The first beer I ever drank was a Busch Lite. I hated it, but asked for another. My first legal drink was a pint of Guiness. I actually loved that, but don't ever really drink Guiness anymore...and really only did a few times after that first one.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Wardrobe malfunction

OK...so here's a little lighter post for everyone. Lately my blog has been pretty serious and heartfelt, which is fine and good and happens from time to time. Lucky for all of you (but unlucky for me) I had a bit of bad luck today, but now its just funny so I'll share it with everyone. Today at work, while returning from a Costco run and attempting to bend over and pick up a 35 pack of bottle water, 24 pack of Gatorade, box of Grandma's cookies, giant mixed bag of candy, and the new Indiana Jones Lego game for the 360 (looks AWESOME but haven't played yet) while in the elevator...wait for it...yea ok that was enough build up...the back of my pants split wide open. Yep. Full on ripped at the seams to show the world my bum...well my stylish boxer briefs anyway. Luckily I was alone in the elevator and had a coat. It was somewhat terrifying at the time but now its just funny. So here's some pics of my pants...and the nearly 12 INCH HOLE IN THE BUTT.

Here's the proof that it ripped almost 12 inches. Seriously...that's some serious rippage :/ good thing I only had to look an idiot with my rain coat tied around my waist for the last two hours or so of the day :)

This is also the first time I've uploaded pics...its kind of fun. I'm going to have to start doing that more. Maybe I'll even start taking some real photos. Hmmmmmmm...

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Learning hupomone

Unless you've ever taken an interest in Greek, or perhaps if you were a Theology major, you probably have no idea what hupomone is. Even I had no clue until I did a little bit of research on Wikipedia (what a fantastic website). That funny Greek word translates as endurance, or "patient endurance." The word combines hupo, "under," and mone, "to remain." It describes the capacity to continue to bear up under difficult circumstances, not with a passive complacency, but with a hopeful fortitude that actively resists weariness and defeat.

I consider myself to be a good person, usually seeking to do what is right and true. Now I often stumble, or veer from these good intentions, but ultimately my effort to do good remains. A big part of my inability to always do good lies in my glaring lack of patience....of hupomone. Unfortunately I am easily discouraged if I can not pick up something easily and quickly because often times I am able to learn new things in that way. The same principle, for me, applies to people. I admit that I can be quick to judge people, but have learned that giving people and other things a second look often leads to unexpected joy and success. To be honest, I should really be better at not judging people at first glance because I have heard on numerous occasions how people (many of whom are/were good friends) had a strong aversion to me at first meet but after taking a second look realized I'm not as bad as they originally thought.

So my patience isn't so strong and sometimes completely lacking. I am actively trying to work on this. A few weeks ago I was watching Evan Almighty and (I feel like I've posted this before but it works with the theme of the post so here it comes again :)...deal) there's a line about patience that really stuck with me: "When people pray to God for patience, do you think He just suddenly gives them patience or the opportunity to be patient?" Good point, right? So that's been in my mind lately, and then about a week and a half ago I believe God set a beautiful example of learning to be patience right across the table from me. In this case beautiful takes on double significance in that this opportunity to be patient is so beautifully constructed and is going to really teach me to endure and be patient...and at the same time this example manifests itself in the form of a beautiful woman: stunning outer beauty and from what I can tell, true inner beauty as well.

Fast forward to today, a week or so after God blesses me with this opportunity to learn and practice patience but also the chance to make a great new friend. Not only am I learning to exercise patience, but I truly feel God placed this girl in my life, at this time in my life, to draw me back closer to Him. She was a breath of fresh air into my life that's been more or less unfulfilling (if I'm completely honest) since I left college...and maybe even after my sophomore year. I've had fun, met new people, experienced and seen new things, but all the while He was absent. Not totally out of sight/out of mind, but not nearly as present as He used to be, and that's been of my own doing. Thinking back He's been that little internal voice that would say "maybe you shouldn't do this" or "have you thought through the consequences of that," trying to be the voice of reason, of caring, of love...and I wasn't listening. All God is trying to do is love us unconditionally, what the Greeks called agape but instead I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it...whether that was staying out too late after a Mariner's game on a work night and drinking way too much to go to work the next day, or dating someone without really knowing why or a variety of other poor choices.

Moving forward I'm really taking this all to heart: patience, endurance, love, not being impetuous, seeking to do good, listening (especially to that little voice inside of me), having fun but balancing that with my relationship with God. Have I done some things I'm not proud of in my life, unfortunately yes. Did many of those choices result from me relying solely on my own foolish and selfish desires, yes. Now I'm not saying that I can't think for myself anymore, or that I'm going to submit every and all decision to God. I don't think that's what he wants, otherwise why would we have such highly advanced and cognitive minds? I do think however, that He wants us to think things through and exercise more patience, diligence & restraint...and that's exactly what I'm hoping to do.

Its funny after writing all this to reflect on why I sat down to post: I thought it was just about this girl and how she was going to help teach me patience, when its more far reaching than that. Will she help me to learn more patience? I hope so, and in doing so I hope I get to know her better and get back into a better, closer relationship with God. But I'm also hoping this permeates into other areas of my life, strengthens other relationships, brings a stronger sense of purpose to what I'm doing with my career & ultimately fills my life with joy. I am also aware that I'm notorious for making promises and deals with myself about making significant personal changes and then not completely following through, but I think the fact that I'm posting about this so that others can hopefully read it and help keep me accountable is a positive step in reversing that trend. That and I've not felt God's direct presence in my life as strongly as I do now.

While I was thinking about all this, and patience, and how to put my thoughts into words, I discovered these verses online and found them all to have relevance to my life right now.

Hebrews 10:36 - "For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise."
I felt this was the most overarching of the three verses, in that it applies to my life as a whole. The fact that I'm realizing my relationship with God has diminished, and wanting to restore that will ultimately benefit me throughout my life as I continue to endure and show patience.

Pslams 37:7 - "Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes."
I thought this was very good for how to show patience even when others may be doing better than I am, whether at work, in relationships or whatever the case may be. I like to be right/win, and have a hard time accepting when I'm not/don't and someone is/does, but that's another part of showing patience...not worrying about what others are doing, enduring when I fail, and just striving to always do my best. And always knowing that regardless of the outcome, God loves me.

Ecclesiastes 7:8 - "The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride."

I thought this one applied well to the amazing new girl I recently met. I was so excited when we were talking because she's a very cool, chill girl, and I felt we hit it off pretty well. I'm still excited that she's in my life, and while at first I was all school boy giddy, now I'm more excited for the chance to form a worthwhile relationship. There is something different and special about her. I don't yet know how that's all going to play out, but I can tell its a good thing. In the past I would've been so initially excited by a girl liking me that I would've rushed into dating or getting validation that she liked me too that it would ultimately fail.

This time around, with this girl, I'm not going to press or try and force the issue. Doesn't mean I like her any less than girls in the past, it just means that instead of trying to force things into my timetable and my selfish wants, that I'm going to be patient and see what happens. Obviously I'm being vague and there are many details I'm leaving out here, but that's not for everyone to know. As with anyone new you meet, there are circumstances and things past that influence the present and the future. You can't plan when you meet new people, so you just have to put your hupomone to the test, and do your best to be understanding and supportive as these new relationships develop and you get to know each other better. Right now I'm excited to have a fun new friend who's helping me to get right with God (even if its indirectly), and I truly believe He had a hand in our paths crossing.