Wednesday, October 1, 2008

What is the f***?

Good freaking question. And a funny inside joke (what up Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!?!?!).

I've gone from unemployed, to unsure about what I want to next to so paralyzed by uncertainty that I'm doing nothing. I hate this. I'm stuck in the revolving door of fear and the unknown...which only prevents me from doing anything to move forward and feel release the remove this self-imposed burden.

I need a job. I want a job because sitting at home all day everyday lost its appeal over two weeks ago. I don't know what I want to do next though. And that, mixed with my own inability to self-motivate, has caused me to do virtually nothing to find work. I baffle myself. At times I can be highly motivated, and the complete opposite of lazy...and yet right now those attributes are nowhere in sight.

If that weren't bad enough, or maybe this is another part of the problem but on a deeper level, I feel as though life is moving forward for everyone around me...but for me its standing still. Warning: I'm not being dramatic...but I feel as though life is moving forward for everyone around me...and yet I'm standing still. Everyone in my sphere is making progress towards, careers, relationships, hobbies...something. New jobs, kicking ass at the job they've had for awhile, getting married, being married and taking the next step...starting a family...something good, something wonderful, something moving them forward.

Odd enough I'm not looking for pity here. I know I have plenty "going for me," as cliche as that is to say. If I sat down, worked hard and applied myself I'm sure I'd find a job in no time and be on my way. But again the problem is I don't know what I want to do. So its really hard to completely throw myself behind something...when I don't know what that something is. That's tough. I was kind of here before when I was working for WaMu and was thinking about quitting. Then I found out I was going to be laid off, then was offered basically the same job at Wells Fargo...and there was nothing else on the I took the new job. Then I got laid off again, only this time there's no fall back job. No safety net. Wouldn't be as bad if this wasn't the second time I was laid off in four month.

Getting laid off sucks no matter what, but unfortunately (and yet fortunately at the same time), I'm experiencing this alone. It seems like everyone around me...and I mean everyone...has someone "significant" to turn to right now...whether that be a new boy/girlfriend, an established partner, a wife, husband or even a best friend. Again, not looking for pity, but I don't have any of those. No wife, no girlfriend, no "prospects" (for lack of a better term) in sight, and I have good friends, but no one I consider my best friend. Not sure that I've ever had a "best friend" though. Lots of good friends...great friends...even people that were my best of friends...but really no best friend. Luckily though, I don't have someone relying on me to bring home a paycheck. No family depending on me to provide. So that's a small comfort in all this.

Who knows how much of this made sense. I've got a nice little beer buzz going and so this could very well just be incoherent babbling. I know I'm typing this, but that part of me that decides whether this is good idea to post for public viewing or not is still busy drinking those Coronas. Then again maybe I know what I'm doing and just need to let all this internal confusion, frustration and fear out into the open...get it out there and hope that it helps.

Only tomorrow will tell...

1 comment:

Kritta22 said...

I wish I could help. I don't know of any jobs. All my family is out of work cuz of Boeing. Sorry!
I don't think I ever had a best friend either. I've had great friends like Julie, Aimee and Nicci. And great friends with you, Sizer, and Jason. But never one best, best friend. Sometimes I think it's better that way.