Wednesday, September 17, 2008

No tenga miedo

How much Spanish do you speak? Bastante? Muy poco? Solamente francés?

I'm done now. Sorry. I sometimes think in Spanglish...or sometimes straight Spanish. Its kind of fun, and yet often terribly confusing when I'm playing word games (like Scattegories) and my mind is thinking of answers in Spanish. back on topic :)

No tenga miedo translates as "don't be afraid." Its a little motto I need to apply and appreciate in my life right now. I feel like I'm at a major crossroads in my life right now, and have no idea which of the 14 paths (exaggeration for effect, i.e. hyperbole) to head down. I don't know if one is better than another, if one is ultimately the wrong choice, if heading down one path will close off the others forever, or if I can choose one, decide its not for me, and be able to come back to where I am now. I don't know that I want to come back to right now either. Not saying right now is bad, but I'm not sure that I'll want to come back to how life is at this moment...mainly the unemployed part. I'm scared to make the next move, and even more afraid to make the wrong move...and/or not making a move and then having my path chosen for me based on my lack of decision making ability.

Does any of this makes sense? I feel like I'm aimlessly rambling over the keys right now...

This has been laying rather dormant and subdued within me. I played it all off pretty cool...the getting laid off again. Just accepting it (which was really my only option) and not being worried about what was next. Well give me the Oscar then...or maybe I didn't pull off the performance as well as I thought I was. Doesn't matter now. What prompted this post, and this confession of fear, was a brief conversation I had with a friend today. Her current job is less than satisfactory, and she's been looking for a new job, and in doing so a new career as well. She wants to do something meaningful and rewarding to her, instead of just having a job for the sake of being able to pay bills. That's important too, paying bills (unfortunate truth of living on your own), but she's looking for a change, even if it may not be as familiar and safe as her current job. She is good at her current job. She did the same thing before she moved to Seattle, and knew she what she was getting into, and how to excel at it. It was safe...and ultimately dull and unfulfilling.

Recently she's been looking for, and applying for new that she really wants. She found her dream job, but as yet has not heard back (as far as I know). She also applied for another position, working with at-risk/troubled youth...for lack of a more PC and appropriate term. Kids who have issues, by their own doing or due to their environments, and need extra attention and/or strict discipline. A very intense environment, but one where she feels she can make a difference in the lives of these kids. So we were talking about that job opportunity today, and that's she excited because she thinks the position is going to be offered to her...but how at the same time it scares her. Its a new start (a new start she welcomes) but its going to be unfamiliar, unsafe (not literally, but in the sense that its something new and intense) and totally different than anything she's ever done before.

I told her its natural to be nervous and afraid, but that she's going to do wonderfully. She's got a good head on her shoulders, and even recognizes how hard this new transition will most likely be. Plus her heart's in it, and she's just a fabulous person on top of it all. I have no doubt she would be a wonderful asset to this new company, and an amazing mentor to the kids. And if that weren't enough, she's got some great people in her life to help her out when it gets tough.

After talking with her about that, I couldn't help but reflect on my own position of not only wanting to make a career change, but needing a job...because I'm unemployed. Unlike my friend though, I do not know what I want to do. I just know I want to do something different, and I need a job soon. And yet, in the same way that my friend is afraid to go for what she wants, I'm terrified of the unknown in my job search. I liked that sense of familiarity and comfort that a job brings...even if I didn't particularly enjoy the actual work I was doing. I did love the people, and that sense of security.

So I'm afraid. Fearful of what will happen next...because I honestly have no idea what that will be. Very little could change. Everything could change. Enough could change to feel like everything changed, then a few months later I'll realize life is basically still the same. And that's ok with me. I mean, I'm looking for a career change, but it doesn't have to be some life altering change too. In my mind I guess I've kind of made them out to be simultaneous...or linked in that finding a new career means the rest of my life will change along with my new job. But why? Why am I thinking that? I have expressed my interest in moving...that I'm kind of done with Shoreline. It's not that much cheaper (if at all) than lots of other areas of Seattle. It's too far away from everything, like downtown, Interbay, movie theaters (eh kinda), other friends, good bars, Prost!, a bowling alley, and Wendy's. Make fun of that last one but Wendy's is delicious, and the one in Shoreline closed several months ago and it upset me. The next closest one is in Ballard, which might as well be Siberia. (yay hyperbole!)

I don't like not knowing. It may be what I dislike most. Even what I hate most. And in this case, I can't really even direct where this ride is going. I can apply for jobs here, nearby, further away, way far away, but ultimately where I end up for my next job is out of my hands. Granted I need to impress, and wow my potential employers but I don't get to choose if they offer me the job or not. All I can do is apply, and hope that in my job search I find something amazing, exciting or fulfilling enough to get me less fearful about all this, and more pumped. I want to be more pumped about this opportunity I've been given (or that was forced upon me) to go after the very change I was wanting. Eek! Getting what I want is kind of scary this time...wish me luck :)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have a friend went to school to become an arborist. What does he do now? He manages a movie theater. Why? Because he got tired of working with plants (maybe he never really liked it in the first place, but that’s beside the point). He loves movies, so he went for a job where he can work with movies, talk about movies and watch movies. He loves it and he works overtime because he wants to, not because he’s required to.

Agreed. It is scary to make a choice like this Matty. But remember, a career change now can always be changed again in a year or so. You’re still not 30, you still don’t have a family and you still don’t own a house that ties you to one area. Break free of the box that you see life as and explore a job in a field that you actually enjoy.

Personally, I think you should sign on with a minor league baseball team, or the Mariners. You can learn new skills and I think you would rather talk sports all day then anything else -- so go for it. Do something fun. Do something you have at least some passion for. Growing up doesn’t mean you have to be miserable, it means you just have to find a way in the world, whatever that is.

Finally, trust God and like you mentioned in your earlier post, pray about it. Praying will ease your mind (and the burden that comes along with stress/the unknown) and asking the Lord for help in this search can only help, right?