Monday, September 15, 2008

For the longest time

Oh Billy true those words seem right now.

It feels like its been a very long time since my last post, and considering the last entry is dated August 5th, that's pretty much true. What makes it seem even longer is how much has happened over these past 41 days...or at least it feels like a lot has happened.

I've been meaning to get back here. To update. To blog. To vent. Not sure why I was suddenly so compelled at 1am on a Sunday evening/Monday morning to sit down and actually start typing. There has been lots of things going on, and many of which have almost steered me back here, so this post may be a bit all over the place, so please bear with me.

The biggest and most noticeable change is my employment...again. As I have blogged earlier (I believe I have anyway), my entire office was laid off at WaMu back in May, and then transitioned rather effortlessly to Wells Fargo. Since then, we have all gotten the hang of the "Wells way," but unfortunately the market improved very little if at all. For me, and for four other co-workers, this meant our termination with our new employer. Last Monday, the official word of our termination became finalized as rumors and speculation were put to rest with one simple conversation. The office knew cuts were coming, and then we knew how many, but until Monday we did not know for certain who would be cut...well everyone except me.

A few weeks ago, actually about an hour after I got back from my most recent Vegas trip, I went into work and spoke with my office manager about what was going on with the rumored lay offs. He was optimistic and hopeful for the future of the office and the market, but relayed to me that this job was only for someone who was truly dedicated to the the mortgage helping people with their finances through good loans...through hard work, long hours, perseverance and ultimately, sales. I don't sell. I can't sell. That's not easy for me to say because I don't like to admit defeat, but I am not a salesman. Not even a little. So when my manager had finished what he had to say, I responded as honestly as I could...and in doing so I more or less volunteered to be laid off. I said I loved the office, the things I had learned and the people I had worked with, but that mortgages, banking, sales, etc wasn't what I wanted to do. I was for a fresh start in a new line of work, even though I didn't (and still don't) have the slightest idea what that looks like yet. And as much as I didn't want to lose my job, I didn't feel right pretending I wanted to stay just for the sake of being employed...especially when I knew there were others in the office who truly wanted to stay.

So a week has now passed, well almost, and I am once again "unemployed." I put that in quotations because I'm still going to be paid by Wells Fargo for the next three weeks, and yet I am not required, or even expected, to go into work. The silver lining to yet another crappy situation. Last time it worked out better than I could've ever expected, and this time has worked out better than anticipated, but the fact remains that I do not have a job.

I took the last week "off" to rest up, relax, have fun and just enjoy not being at work for week. If only I could keep that up...unfortunately a job isn't going to magically appear like it did when I joined Wells so the next three weeks (hopefully not longer than that) are going to feature yours truly looking for a new job, everyday, until I find something new. Not sure what that will be, or even where that will be, but for now I'm open to just about anything in the business field. For the first time since I started my "professional career," I'm even ok with moving to find work...moving as in out of state, or across the state, or 100 miles from Seattle....or more. I've known for awhile now that mortgages and banking wasn't what I wanted to do for a career, so maybe changing jobs will also bring a new city, a new place to call home, a new opportunity for success. I don't know what will happen, but right now I'm ok with whatever "it" is.

That's unsettling and exciting at the same time.

Along with all this fun job stuff, I've had a myriad of other personal matters going on simultaneously. Most of that however is still not yet ripe for sharing, as I'm not even sure what it all means yet, but its been an interesting mix of pleasant and bothersome surprises. All I know is a few weeks ago I was the happiest I had been in a long time. Things were going well all around me, and I had started having these amazing conversations with a new friend that were helping me find inner peace. Not to say I was filled with turmoil, but I found these chats to be very calming...not immediately, but after reflecting on the topics we discussed and getting more introspective...I felt great. Sadly those chats haven't happened as much as of late, and coupled with the ever looming task of finding a new job, that brief tranquility has been replaced with a familiar and yet completely new stress.

Now don't read this and freak out that I'm an emotional wreck over here. I actually feel emotionally stronger than I can remember. Just a little stressed, and yet too calm at the same time. I knew I was losing my job, so when it finally happened it wasn't a big surprise, and I was at peace with it...but it hasn't quite sunk in yet that I am no "unemployed" and need to find a new job...PDQ (pretty damn quick) or else these little stresses are going to turn into big time problems. Luckily I have some money saved up if the job search only turns up a few lemons, and if I had to, I can always move back home...tho the logistics of that aren't easy to figure out right now.

I just wanted to update people who read this and may not have heard about my job situation, but its also a way for me to let out some stress. I am doing well though, and will turn this little rotten apple of a situation into a delicious apple pie (ok wow...horrendous metaphor there...I apologize and promise I will end this soon and get the sleep I clearly need right now :D). Whatever happens though, I know I'll be ok. I have a great family who I love dearly, and plan to go see this next week with my time off :) And I have amazing friends. I really do. I'm truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. I know I don't always show my gratitude so well, and could definitely tell them more often how much they mean to me, but I hope they know how much they all mean to so many different ways.

Ok. Enough with the sappy ending. I don't know why it always takes me so long to figure this out, or why I don't realize how often this happens and do something about it sooner...but my current stress level (being higher than normal) is (and always has been) a direct correlation to how good my relationship with God is. I haven't been to church since my last post about the Lord's Prayer, and while that's not the determining factor in how close I am to God, it helps. Its the time every week where I make the time for Him...I know I need to make more time for Him, but that, just like me, is a work in progress. Maybe I'll take my own advice (from the last post) and actually pray this week...and then go to church on Sunday.

Just typing that...thinking that...makes me feel better already :)


Kritta22 said...

Wow!! So much has happened!
I'm sorry about your job. FYI banks are always hiring in Alaska. Plus you get a PFD every year. This is it was 3269, free money! Gosh I love Alaska!
Anyway I have missed you and your corny sense of humor. I'm glad you are back. Keep writing in here. It does make you feel better. Keep us update on the job front and church!
You do have a great family and they will help you when you let them, anyway they can!
(If you want a job up here, we have a spare room here until Jan. FYI)

car said...

life has been a little lacking without the worktime chats. blah. how is the job hunt going? any prospects? any cities in particular you are looking at besides portland? keep me updated. oh, and lets hang out.