Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I'm no Carrie Bradshaw...

...but I do have style.

Everyone has their own style...whether it manifests in their fashion, music taste, personality or in their careers. We all have our own way ("my way") of doing things, or interpreting the things that happen around us. We all have style.

My style is complex and yet simple at the same time. Simultaneously easy & yet often painstakingly difficult. A large portion of my style is driven by my need for order. For everything to be in its accurate place or position...accurate of course being relative to the eyes of the beholder, which in this case is me. My need for this order is borderline OCD...that's how serious it is. Most of these internal needs for order are easy to control and rarely interfere with how I interact socially with everyone around me. For instance, I can always adjust the volume so that its at an even number or level or ensure all the bills of my change are faced before putting them in my wallet. My things also have their own specific places, and while its easy for me to remember and keep track of...its makes it very difficult for someone else to help because they do not know the order. So if you ever offer to help, and I correct you or insist you do it another way, its not because I'm not appreciative or because I think you're incapable of figuring it out on your own...its just that I have an ever pressing need for my things to be in my order.

So that's part of my style. The part you can't as easily identify when I'm walking down the street, or rocking out to my guitar hero mix on Erasto, my ipod, in Bellerophan, my car (yay names!!). Speaking of names, shout out to Feisty Hips (my friend, not the baseball superstar) for giving me a gentle nudge to get back to blogging. This blog is another place where my style is evident, but at the same time the way I approach each post, and construct what I want to say, and even the formatting...that's not as obvious.

Style. I could go on and on about my style and how style is everywhere, everyday, at any and every moment...but I won't. I could tell you how anal retentive I am about things being organized alphabetically, or how I like to start walking across the crosswalk right before it changes, or how if its not raining and I'm driving then the windows in the car are going to be down, or how I put a lot of effort into treating people with respect and trying like hell to always do the right thing...but that's for another time...or not.

Right now is for confession...for admitting and recognizing my mistakes and shortcomings. For as hard as I try to do the right thing, and not make mistakes...on my best day I probably still make 10-12 mistakes or wrong decisions. Most of us do. We're human. We're imperfect by design or by nature...depending on how you want to look at it. I don't like making mistakes. I really, really don't like making mistakes...mostly because I feel I have a pretty firm grasp on my immediate world and as such, feel I should be able to react and perform in an accurate manner. So accepting that I'm going to fail and be wrong just as much as I succeed (if not far more often) is still a work in progress...still my style: construction in progress.

Part of the ongoing construction is taking place Sunday mornings. For the first time since before I went away to college, I am looking forward to and making the time to go to church on Sunday mornings. Up until recently going to church wasn't a priority or even something mildly important...sleeping in or living it up on Saturday nights were far more important. Now though, I'm working the other things in my weekend around going to church. Now I fully admit that just going to church is only a starting point for a relationship with God. Just going to church isn't nearly enough...but its a good first step, and for me it was a big one.

In a previous post (sorry I don't much feel like searching for it right now), I commented how I felt a new person in my life was bringing me back closer to God. So far its been true. And I haven't started going back to church because she does, or because it will make me look good in her eyes, or anything like that. I'm going for me. Because I want to. Because I feel better starting the week after reflecting on what was said, sung and shown at church. Granted I was out of town and traveling back to Seattle this last weekend, but I didn't make it to church and so far I've not had the best week. Not to say there hasn't been good in my week thus far, but overall this has been a pretty bad week for me. Coincidence? Not so much.

So while I don't have the slightest clue as to how things are going play out in general, and specifically in my life, I do know that I'm going to continue to make an effort to keep rebuilding my relationship with God. Why? Because its important to me. I am going to do my best to act right, live selflessly and try not to rely on my own understanding and rationale. Its going to be tough, but I know I can do it because I want to. I really want to...and "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).

1 comment:

Doubly Blessed said...

No, you're not Carrie. I always thought you were more of a Samantha anyway. About OCD things-when I was younger (like 8 or 9) I used to feel like my left hand was sad and lonely because I used my right hand so much more. So for about a year I tried to do everything twice-once with each hand, to be fair.