Friday, July 24, 2009

It's like taking a guess...when the only answer is yes

I'm stealing this idea from my friend Carly (as she has done this on her blog) but since hearing this line prompted me to finally sit down and blog...I felt it was an appropriate title. The title of this entry is taken from the song "A Beautiful Mess" by Jason Mraz off We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how life often gets in the way of friendships, relationships and keeping them even the most important people somehow end up as just a fond memory in your past. I've been told, and recently come to really understand it to be true, that I'm a very passionate person when I know what I want. All too often tho, for me, I don't know what I want and so that passion sits dormant and unused. When it comes to people though, whether they are a new relationship (in any capacity) or a dear old friend, that passion is always there...if I like you.

Now these relationships come in all different shapes and sizes, but the passion is always there. When I meet someone new, who I'd like to see again, I make it happen...whether it means asking her out on a date, grabbing a drink with a new work buddy, or agreeing to help you move in the snow and ice. Unfortunately these newly forming relationships don't always stick...or fizzle into a "we see each other every once in awhile" type thing.

***Whenever I sit down to blog I rarely have it all thought out...I generally just have a general idea of what I want to say and go at it. For that reason I often to get to a point where I'm not sure what to say next, or I can only go on speaking in generalities with vague references to real people/events for so long before I get to the point I'm at personal do I want to get? I very rarely get as specific as I'd like because I know my friends read this...and sometimes I don't want to single them out...because that's not my intention. For me blogging is therapeutic, but since its a very public forum, I can't always let everything out that I want to...without consequences anyway. So this is a little glimpse into what I'm actually thinking right now, a little sneak peak or "behind the scenes" look me and my blog.***

Another factor, and probably the reason I'm blogging about this, is moving. When you build a life, make friends, work, play, etc in a city, it's extremely difficult to maintain your relationships well...especially when you quit your job and move 30 miles up the freeway to a town that doesn't exactly warrant people coming to see you. I honestly thought I'd be down in Seattle more often. My friends are there, my favorite places to eat, drink & play are there...but I've only been down there once, and I really only made it to Shoreline/Edmonds. Real hard to keep relationships going when you don't see each other. I've really enjoyed being back in my hometown though. More than I thought I would. I enjoy seeing my family more often, and life just seems to move a little bit slower...which is incredibly enjoyable. I think I can attribute most of that "slower" feeling to not working tho.

So maybe I've reached a metaphorical fork in the road. Do I pursue employment and start putting down roots again up here in my hometown, or do I get more serious about moving back down to Seattle and starting up again with a new job down there? I don't have an answer to that right now, but I miss Seattle...and all my friends there. I really wanted to head down tonight and see who was free but forgot I don't have a car right now. It decided to stop working last weekend as I was driving on the freeway. Yep...died while going 65 mph on I-5! Luckily I was able to pull off onto the shoulder, get a ride to a nearby friend's house, get my car towed there, and have since towed the car back up here to have it looked at...but still...not having a car is terribly inconvenient.

...but I digress. As I always seem to :)

It's almost 3am now, and about three days since I started this post...and I only mention the time because I napped for too long earlier today and can't sleep now. When I started this, my intention was to talk about specific relationships that have changed as life "got in the way" or rather progressed for others more than it did for me. And of those relationships I had in mind (warning - this is about to cross that line from generalities to specifics), the one I miss the most...the person I miss the Goldie Bear. I just had his real name typed in, then decided a nickname was better. Not sure why tho. That relationship has changed over the years from classmates, to friends, to roommates, to someone I considered my best friend...and now I rarely see him and talk to him even less.

I can pinpoint when this relationship started to change...and it all happened rather quickly and without much time to digest the changes before something new was weaving itself into the mix. My emotions have roller coastered their way up, down, around, back and forth, but I always get them in check whenever I get the chance to see him. I put on my happy face, like everything is happy-go-lucky, because its easier on both of us that way. He has more on his plate right now than I have ever known, and don't want to add any undue stress. I'm extremely happy for him tho, as he just recently welcomed his first child into the world...his beautiful baby girl. I can see the undying love he has for her, and by the way she snuggles up to him (even if he claims its because she's hungry and doesn't know he can't help here there), it's clear she's daddy's little girl.

So to tie this all in to the title of the blog..."it's like taking a guess, when the only answer is yes." Although out relationship has changed, how much I care hasn't. I've tried to tell him this, since things started to change, but I'm not sure if it came off as genuine or if he really understood just how much he meant, and still means, to me. There have been times when I wanted to give up on the relationship and not care about being a part of his life as life "got in the way" of our friendship. In the end tho, those were just fleeting, confused emotions. I'm a passionate person, especially to those closest to me...and despite recent changes, there's only answer to the question here: do I still care about, and want to repair/maintain my relationship with Goldie Bear?

(Absolutely) yes.

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