a clutteration of thoughts

making up words is fun...and that's pretty much all i have to say about that.

i was a bit surprised to find out its been nearly four weeks since my last post. i really felt as tho i had posted within the last week or two. wow. time flies when you're sitting on the couch everyday watching movies and playing video games...errr kinda. its now been roughly five months since i stopped working at wells fargo. five months is almost half a year. that's a long freaking time to not be working, to have any regularity with your daily and weekly life, to not have steady income. its been an interesting journey to say the least...and definitely one i don't ever want to experience again.

i also can't believe i haven't been blogging more. i mean...its not like i really had anything else going. and i really do enjoy the ol' blog. my mind is almost constantly on...which makes rarely remembering my dreams all the more bizarre. often my mind overflows with ideas, thoughts and whatnot...and the blog is a welcome relief to let some of that mindflow (hooray again for made up words!) out in a constructive and comforting way. as of late this has been very true.

so i'm finally sitting down in an attempt to put all the traffic in head into some sort of coherent post for my e-audience to read. the biggest burden, or mental traffic jam, has been being unemployed but i'm quite certain that burden has been put to rest. i'm not 100% certain, because i go in tomorrow for background check stuff (which will not be a problem to pass) but until i hear something along the lines of "you're hired" i'm keeping this pretty low key. i haven't even told my mother...and when she (or most likely when my sister reads this and tells my mother) hears of this she'll be excited for probably throw in a "why didn't you tell me sooner" comment as well. the words "we'd like to offer you a position" have been extended, which is great, but there are still more steps to finalize the process. plus the job isn't exactly thrilling or a compelling use of my degree so it hasn't been hard to temper my enthusiasm. also...don't you love how i've most likely built your excitement up about this job but haven't given even the slightest hint as to what the job actually is? :P

as i said above, the position is nothing spectacular but in this current economic environment i guess any job is better than no job. i will (so long as everything goes according to plan) be working in a call center for comcast. basically i'll be "that guy" you call when your TV/internet/phone service(s) go kaput and you want them fixed. i will be the guy who asks you if your cable box is plugged in and turned on. omg...i hate when service techs ask me that question and now that is going to be my job. that's the bad...the good is that its a steady paycheck, i like to problem solve and genuinely enjoy helping people. also, working for comcast will definitely have its perks - as in free high speed internet and free cable. and when i say free cable i mean everything short of pay per view and apparently some international channels. free hbo, showtime, starz, espn, mtv, mtv 2, mtv tres, and every other crappy channel filled with addicting reality tv...the works. perfect. now i'll have a job where i sit on my ass all day then can come home and keep it up. maybe free cable isn't so great...psych! this now means dexter parties and vh1 reality show marathons at my house. booyah!!

so it looks like the whole job thing is taken care of. depending on what shifts i get stuck with (low man on the totem pole!!) i may also look to pick up a serving/bartending job somewhere for some extra cash. we'll see. one thing at a time i suppose. its just nice to finally feel like things are starting to go my way. before i went to vegas last weekend i managed to set up two interviews for when i returned. i remember thinking, "sweet...maybe things are starting to look up...we'll see how vegas goes." needless to say vegas was awesome, but i also managed to win a few bucks playing blackjack. things were indeed looking up...as was i as i laid on my back, under the sink, in the bathroom, after drinking too much the first day in vegas and effectively passing out by 8pm. yea. good times in vegas...

needless to say the interviews i set up went well...at least the one with comcast. i felt good about the other one, but apparently not good enough because i have yet to hear back from them and they said i would know by friday. comcast said i'd know by monday, then called to offer me a job on friday. so my weekend started off on a good note and not even finding out bob saget was sold out could dampen my good spirits. then, later friday night i found out my good friends are having a baby boy. BABY BOY CROUCH '09!!! i've been a strong advocate of these two having a kid for a good two years now maybe (awhile anyway)...so needless to say i was super excited when they told me they were going to start trying, even more excited when i found out they were pregnant, and then freaking ecstatic to find out i was right in my prediction that they're having a boy. well i'm super excited for the little dude, not that i was right (tho that's always a good feeling too :D).

the rest of the weekend was nothing too exciting, tho i did enjoy the oscars tonight. quite a bit actually. as much as really don't care for hugh jackman, he was a very good host...and a much better singer than i would've ever imagined. kudos to you hugh. ugh. i mean really. how much can you like someone named hugh? such a ridiculous name. hugh grant is even worse...tho he's hilarious in love actually. that movie is just plain awesome. serious. not sure how this went from my job with comcast to love actually but it did...so deal. i remembered, from the bits and pieces i had previously seen, that love actually was some crappy chick flick...wrong. its fabulous...even if you just watch it for bill nighy its totally worth it. trust me. go watch it if you don't believe me and then try and tell me its not worth owning. i dare you. (challenging look of intimidation...rawr)

i have plenty of other things i could, and probably will blog about but after bringing up love actually its got me thinking about second chances. it is so easy to write something or someone off after one encounter...or a partial one or whatever. too easy. a friend of mine has a "try it five times" rule. i think its mostly applied to restaurants (bless your heart for continuing to go to greenwood mandarin with us) but perhaps its applied to life in general. not sure why i felt like a parenthetical "apologetic/pity shout out" was necessary there bc i doubt he reads my blog...meh.

so. second chances. sometimes third, fourth and fifth chances. unless you completely botch the first chance, chances are you still have at least one more shot. this applies to life in general...whether its meeting new people, impressing a superior, making new friends, pursuing a love interest, a movie, music, food, anything. this doesn't mean your first impression or snap judgements are always wrong, because they often remain unchanged even after several more chances. i just think life, and everything that comprises it, deserves at least a second look. like ferris bueller said, "life moves pretty fast...if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." you'll miss it, or miss out on it because you discounted it too soon.

not sure why i suddenly felt so strongly about second chances and due consideration. in part because i recently watched love actually...in part because i just read a friend's blog entry and she touched on giving things, specifically music, a second listen before discounting it...in part because i just realized i applied for this same position with comcast a few months ago and got nowhere, then gave it another shot and now i'm gonna get free comcast (neener neener...sorry i couldn't resist a good neener neener opportunity). i was also just thinking about a quote a friend of mine has at the bottom of her email: "you've got your whole life to do something, and that's not very long." the quote, or perhaps song lyric, comes from ani difranco, and ties in quite well with my 'more than one look/chance' tangent i'm on right now. people always say you have your whole life to do this or that, but that's really not that long. i guess what i'm trying to advocate is that by giving things a second chance, you're going to be pleasantly surprised by how many more things in life you actually enjoy, but would've never known if you hadn't given it its due diligence.

ok i have to get up and be a functional human tomorrow so that comcast will still want to hire me...that means i need to get to bed here shortly. i wanted to conclude with one last mantra if you will. at some point in my four years at whitworth college, i belive it was during a class, someone who was most likely the professor said something that has stuck with me rather vividly...and it fits in too well for me not to share it with you. the professor talked of how people always said "take it easy" when they were finished talking to friends, or acquaintances they bump into in the halls. instead the professor suggested that we do away with "take it easy" and replace it with "be diligent." really think about it. i promise if you say that to someone instead of take it easy its going to catch them off guard...and hopefully make them think about what you said. its taken me 25+ years and five months of being unemployed to fully realize something so simple, but we do "take it easy" far too often. i know i have.

so in conclusion i guess i'm challenging anyone who reads this to be more diligent...however you can apply that to your life...which i'm guessing is in more ways than you care to admit. at the very least replace "take it easy" with "be diligent" and enjoy how it catches people off guard, and just maybe the phrase will find a way to work a little more diligence into your life...or at least make you watch love actually [again] so you know why "eight is a lot of legs...david" is so funny :)

When did that happen?

How is 2008 almost over? I mean seriously. It feels like just recently I was all snazzied up, raising my glass of champagne (or was it sparkling cider...hmmmm) and ringing in 2008 with some good friends, and a friendly wager with my buddy Sizer. I half-jokingly said I was going to give up booze for the whole year. He said I couldn't do it. That turned my joke into a serious challenge. We only bet $10, but it was more the idea that he didn't think I could make it, and that I wanted to prove him wrong that was the driving force behind the bet. I didn't make it, but definitely felt I could have. I realized 2008 was going to be a year of firsts, and big deals that were going to call for a celebratory drink. So I gladly payed him $10 and went to Prost! for a bier sometime in March or April.

I kind of went off of the "not drinking for a year" tangent, but it really doesn't seem like that was nearly a year ago. Crazy. This last year has been a memorable one for me. Started off with the "no booze" challenge. Then I got laid off from WaMu, but moved rather easily to Wells Fargo. After a few months I got laid off again. Sweet. Twice in four months.

During that time though, while with WaMu, I went to Vegas, for only the second time ever, with my office. Such a blast. I know I never finished my three part blog about the trip but it was killer. They are going again in a month, January 2009, but sadly I won't be able to join them. Too bad too, they're a lot of fun...man I miss that office.

In June I went to New York with my old college roommate. First time in NYC for the both of us. We met up with another old college roommate, Walt, and saw a game at Yankee Stadium before it closed at the end of the 2008 season. We got to see Ken Griffey Jr. hit a HR, and I believe it was the last one he hit in Yankee Stadium. Walt headed back down to the DC area, but Jon and I mastered the subway system, walked around in Times Square, got my picture taken with the Naked Cowboy, threw the frisbee in Central Park, and got to see the Mariners play the Mets at Shea Stadium before it closed at the end of the 2008 season. The M's won behind the first ever grand slam by a pitcher, courtesy of Felix Hernandez. The whole trip was great. I love baseball, and so does Jon, so it was very cool for both of us to experience the New York stadiums, and even cooler than we got to do it together.

In July one of my best friends, and still a great friend, Sizer, got married in central Oregon. He asked me to be in the wedding, which was a blast. All of the groomsmen had become friends over the past several years so it was a lot of fun to see them all and hang out, have fun, and be there to celebrate our friend's wedding. We played golf, lawn games, poker, drank beer and just let loose and enjoyed being together. The wedding itself was beautiful. Size looked so sharp, and his lovely bride Elise was stunning. The night before the wedding one of our friends said it would be cool if we all walked up and gave Size something random when we walked up the aisle to our places. That turned into..."wouldn't it be sweet if we got him a wedding Mr. Potato Head and each gave him a piece of that?" Thanks to my mom, we were able to pull that off, which completely surprised Size, and was really fun to be a part of. The reception was a blast too. Beer, champagne, music, dancing, good friends, being outside...it was great. Despite the long drive to get there, it was a fantastic weekend.

I also took my then current roommate, Dan, to Vegas for his birthday in August. It was his first time there and we had a good time. Gambled too much, lost more money than we wanted, but did manage to play blackjack in 30 different casinos. Took him to dinner at this delicious Brazilian bbq place where we got the "all you can eat meat fest"...or whatever its called. OMG is it tasty. Also got to see the Sirens show at TI (just the free show they do out front, but still cool), and we stopped to see the water show at the Bellagio (like in the end of Ocean's 11), and finally made into old Vegas, or downtown. I love going to Vegas, and after having been twice (pretty recently) I felt I could show him a good time and think I did well.

In September was when I got laid off from Wells Fargo, and since then things have been different. I was still living with Dan then, and he started dating a girl. It had been a long time since he'd been in a relationship, so it was understandable that he was all "twitterpated" over her, plus they're a good fit for each other. So I saw him less, which I understood, but it took some adjusting to get used to. In October we decided we were going to each move out and go our separate ways as far as our living arrangements were concerned. He moved out in mid-November...and that was weird. Had to adjust to not living with Dan, and living alone. I thought I was going to move into a studio and live alone too, but that didn't pan out so well. Lucky for me my friend Melanie was looking to move and so we decided to move in together. Found this fabulous place in Ballard, and we moved in this month. She has two cats, and I'm not a cat person, but they're pretty cool. Never lived with a girl before either, but Mel is bomb, and the cats are entertaining so its all good...just new and different.

And that's about it...I think...as far as the highlights go. Plenty more happened, but those are the "BIG" things I can think of right now. Lots of good times spent with friends, camping trips, new friends, old friends, trivia nights, all nighters, 4th of July at Gasworks, a trip to Spokane, a trip to Portland, many Mariner's games, a few Seahawks games, countless happy hours, but all in all a pretty damn good year. Even with being laid off, and being currently unemployed, I'll remember 2008 for all the good that happened.

Unfortunately for 2009, its not going to start off on the best foot. I will more than likely still be unemployed, which is now becoming a much bigger problem than it was in September and October. Even so, I have high hopes for 2009 to be every bit as good as 2008. A lot has changed for me in the last quarter of 2008, some good and some bad, but I'm hoping to make more good changes in the new year. I'd even venture to say I'm optimistic...and coming from someone who considers himself a "realist," that's a pretty bold statement. Ah yes, I do believe 2009 is going to be my year :)

What is the f***?

Good freaking question. And a funny inside joke (what up Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!?!?!).

I've gone from unemployed, to unsure about what I want to next to so paralyzed by uncertainty that I'm doing nothing. I hate this. I'm stuck in the revolving door of fear and the unknown...which only prevents me from doing anything to move forward and feel better...to release the stress...to remove this self-imposed burden.

I need a job. I want a job because sitting at home all day everyday lost its appeal over two weeks ago. I don't know what I want to do next though. And that, mixed with my own inability to self-motivate, has caused me to do virtually nothing to find work. I baffle myself. At times I can be highly motivated, and the complete opposite of lazy...and yet right now those attributes are nowhere in sight.

If that weren't bad enough, or maybe this is another part of the problem but on a deeper level, I feel as though life is moving forward for everyone around me...but for me its standing still. Warning: I'm not being dramatic...but I feel as though life is moving forward for everyone around me...and yet I'm standing still. Everyone in my sphere is making progress towards something...work, careers, relationships, hobbies...something. New jobs, kicking ass at the job they've had for awhile, getting married, being married and taking the next step...starting a family...something good, something wonderful, something moving them forward.

Odd enough I'm not looking for pity here. I know I have plenty "going for me," as cliche as that is to say. If I sat down, worked hard and applied myself I'm sure I'd find a job in no time and be on my way. But again the problem is I don't know what I want to do. So its really hard to completely throw myself behind something...when I don't know what that something is. That's tough. I was kind of here before when I was working for WaMu and was thinking about quitting. Then I found out I was going to be laid off, then was offered basically the same job at Wells Fargo...and there was nothing else on the radar...so I took the new job. Then I got laid off again, only this time there's no fall back job. No safety net. Wouldn't be as bad if this wasn't the second time I was laid off in four month.

Getting laid off sucks no matter what, but unfortunately (and yet fortunately at the same time), I'm experiencing this alone. It seems like everyone around me...and I mean everyone...has someone "significant" to turn to right now...whether that be a new boy/girlfriend, an established partner, a wife, husband or even a best friend. Again, not looking for pity, but I don't have any of those. No wife, no girlfriend, no "prospects" (for lack of a better term) in sight, and I have good friends, but no one I consider my best friend. Not sure that I've ever had a "best friend" though. Lots of good friends...great friends...even people that were my best of friends...but really no best friend. Luckily though, I don't have someone relying on me to bring home a paycheck. No family depending on me to provide. So that's a small comfort in all this.

Who knows how much of this made sense. I've got a nice little beer buzz going and so this could very well just be incoherent babbling. I know I'm typing this, but that part of me that decides whether this is good idea to post for public viewing or not is still busy drinking those Coronas. Then again maybe I know what I'm doing and just need to let all this internal confusion, frustration and fear out into the open...get it out there and hope that it helps.

Only tomorrow will tell...