It's like taking a guess...when the only answer is yes

I'm stealing this idea from my friend Carly (as she has done this on her blog) but since hearing this line prompted me to finally sit down and blog...I felt it was an appropriate title. The title of this entry is taken from the song "A Beautiful Mess" by Jason Mraz off We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how life often gets in the way of friendships, relationships and keeping them going...how even the most important people somehow end up as just a fond memory in your past. I've been told, and recently come to really understand it to be true, that I'm a very passionate person when I know what I want. All too often tho, for me, I don't know what I want and so that passion sits dormant and unused. When it comes to people though, whether they are a new relationship (in any capacity) or a dear old friend, that passion is always there...if I like you.

Now these relationships come in all different shapes and sizes, but the passion is always there. When I meet someone new, who I'd like to see again, I make it happen...whether it means asking her out on a date, grabbing a drink with a new work buddy, or agreeing to help you move in the snow and ice. Unfortunately these newly forming relationships don't always stick...or fizzle into a "we see each other every once in awhile" type thing.

***Whenever I sit down to blog I rarely have it all thought out...I generally just have a general idea of what I want to say and go at it. For that reason I often to get to a point where I'm not sure what to say next, or I can only go on speaking in generalities with vague references to real people/events for so long before I get to the point I'm at now...how personal do I want to get? I very rarely get as specific as I'd like because I know my friends read this...and sometimes I don't want to single them out...because that's not my intention. For me blogging is therapeutic, but since its a very public forum, I can't always let everything out that I want to...without consequences anyway. So this is a little glimpse into what I'm actually thinking right now, a little sneak peak or "behind the scenes" look me and my blog.***

Another factor, and probably the reason I'm blogging about this, is moving. When you build a life, make friends, work, play, etc in a city, it's extremely difficult to maintain your relationships well...especially when you quit your job and move 30 miles up the freeway to a town that doesn't exactly warrant people coming to see you. I honestly thought I'd be down in Seattle more often. My friends are there, my favorite places to eat, drink & play are there...but I've only been down there once, and I really only made it to Shoreline/Edmonds. Real hard to keep relationships going when you don't see each other. I've really enjoyed being back in my hometown though. More than I thought I would. I enjoy seeing my family more often, and life just seems to move a little bit slower...which is incredibly enjoyable. I think I can attribute most of that "slower" feeling to not working tho.

So maybe I've reached a metaphorical fork in the road. Do I pursue employment and start putting down roots again up here in my hometown, or do I get more serious about moving back down to Seattle and starting up again with a new job down there? I don't have an answer to that right now, but I miss Seattle...and all my friends there. I really wanted to head down tonight and see who was free but forgot I don't have a car right now. It decided to stop working last weekend as I was driving on the freeway. Yep...died while going 65 mph on I-5! Luckily I was able to pull off onto the shoulder, get a ride to a nearby friend's house, get my car towed there, and have since towed the car back up here to have it looked at...but still...not having a car is terribly inconvenient.

...but I digress. As I always seem to :)

It's almost 3am now, and about three days since I started this post...and I only mention the time because I napped for too long earlier today and can't sleep now. When I started this, my intention was to talk about specific relationships that have changed as life "got in the way" or rather progressed for others more than it did for me. And of those relationships I had in mind (warning - this is about to cross that line from generalities to specifics), the one I miss the most...the person I miss the most...is Goldie Bear. I just had his real name typed in, then decided a nickname was better. Not sure why tho. That relationship has changed over the years from classmates, to friends, to roommates, to someone I considered my best friend...and now I rarely see him and talk to him even less.

I can pinpoint when this relationship started to change...and it all happened rather quickly and without much time to digest the changes before something new was weaving itself into the mix. My emotions have roller coastered their way up, down, around, back and forth, but I always get them in check whenever I get the chance to see him. I put on my happy face, like everything is happy-go-lucky, because its easier on both of us that way. He has more on his plate right now than I have ever known, and don't want to add any undue stress. I'm extremely happy for him tho, as he just recently welcomed his first child into the world...his beautiful baby girl. I can see the undying love he has for her, and by the way she snuggles up to him (even if he claims its because she's hungry and doesn't know he can't help here there), it's clear she's daddy's little girl.

So to tie this all in to the title of the blog..."it's like taking a guess, when the only answer is yes." Although out relationship has changed, how much I care hasn't. I've tried to tell him this, since things started to change, but I'm not sure if it came off as genuine or if he really understood just how much he meant, and still means, to me. There have been times when I wanted to give up on the relationship and not care about being a part of his life as life "got in the way" of our friendship. In the end tho, those were just fleeting, confused emotions. I'm a passionate person, especially to those closest to me...and despite recent changes, there's only answer to the question here: do I still care about, and want to repair/maintain my relationship with Goldie Bear?

(Absolutely) yes.

A life not lived for others is not worth living at all...

Einstein said that...or something very close to it. As always, I just finished a movie and am feeling quite reflective. That quote was in the movie and oddly appropriate in my life right now. Just the other day I was talking with a friend and made a comment about how I feel I put the well being of others ahead of my own. When asked why I replied with "because I can't know how their going to react to the situation." Having time to reflect on what I said then, I've come to one of two conclusions: I focus too much on the well being of others and need to focus on me for a change, or I only think I put others first but in reality I don't...and therefore I'm kind of an asshole for thinking I do. Either is entirely feasible, and my recent mopey-ness could be a result of trying to put myself first and having trouble adjusting or because I'm starting to realize I'm not as selfless as I think.

I tend to hold my tongue when not doing so could result in hurt feelings, or un-thought-out (I have a way with words don't I?) emotional outbursts or instant easing of my own guilt/pain/etc at the expense of another. I generally think before I speak, but I think too often all I do is think and never say anything...even well-thought-out, emotionally controlled statements. Right now, just off the top of my head, I can think of four different people I could really "let loose on" (meaning I could let loose of that worry of their feelings and just say what I need to say...whether it be constructive or more of an emotional outburst of sorts). Each one is for different reasons (some of them even for my own selfish benefit...oh my!!) and yet I probably won't say a word to anyone of them about their respective topics.

Even as I'm drafting this I can't help but wonder why I'm wired this way. Is it fear? Fear of what the other person's reaction will be...fear of what they will say in return...fear of how saying something will change the dynamic of the relationship or end it altogether? Fear is a strong force and a very plausible explanation here. Ok so maybe that's the only reason I can come up with right now. I thought I had another but clearly I don't.

The more I sit here and think about it, the more I'm convinced it's fear...fear of the unknown. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen. Big shocker there, right? But seriously, in a very palpable, very large scale, I'm afraid of not knowing...so much so that I think it prevents me from doing things...like speaking my mind, and making myself vulnerable to change and failure. It's probably the biggest reason why I haven't been able to find a satisfying job...because I'm afraid to put myself out there, try for something, and be turned down...to fail. I have the job I have now because I knew it would be easy. It was familiar and relatively unchallenging. It was a safe choice...and very much the wrong choice...hence why I'm leaving the job next week.

Now I feel like I've completely lost my focus and rambled all over the place. This was supposed to be about how I put others' needs ahead of my own, and has turned into why I'm unhappy with my job and afraid to take chances. I even play poker this way. I realize that's completely irrelevant right now, but it just popped in my head and it made me laugh. When I play poker, I make very few risky moves. I generally only get aggressive or exude confidence in my hand when I'm almost absolutely certain I have the best hand. Only when I'm certain of success, am I unafraid to go for it all. Then again it's poker, and trivial in the grand spectrum of life, so I occasionally take stupid risks, and play aggressively with crap hands...but that's only because I know at the end of the night it was just a game with no bearing on real life. I'm doing a great job of staying focused here, aren't i? :-/

So I think I've come up with a solution, at least a temporary one. I'm going to continue to be sensitive to the feelings of others. That's just who I am, and I think that's a good thing. Along with that though, I'm going to try and speak my mind more...worry about my well being and do what's right for me. I'm not going to turn into a narcissist or anything like that, but a few toes might get stepped on because I pipe up when I usually keep my mouth shut. Who knows how this will play out...or if it will have that big of an impact...but I feel that it's time for change. And seeing as how I'm about to be unemployed and moving back home, I figure now's as good of a time as any to start taking care of good ol' me. On a side note I think I just came up with another five or six people I'd like to "let loose" on. Rawr!

I do feel a little better for letting this out...and as edited as it may be (it's still way to public to be completely honest and without some level of censoring) it's still very therapeutic. In addition to worrying about me first, I think I need to make a few personal changes too. Positive changes that will hopefully lead to better things in all aspects of my life. And I know I'm a huge talker...I'm full of all these great intentions...but I lack follow-thru. For some reason tho, I feel this time around is different. I've never voluntarily quit a job because it made me unhappy. I did that because it was the right move for me. Granted I did agree to stay on for another week (so I ended up giving three weeks notice) because I knew it was going to put them in a bind to have someone suddenly leave, but that's the happy medium I guess. So I'm already taking steps to be the change I want in my life and I wasn't aware of that until just now...and knowing that feels good :)

What's going on?

A little over a week ago I was typing a resignation letter to give to my boss the next day. I had finally decided it was time to part ways with the bank I work for...and I felt really good. It wasn't an easy decision, but it felt right and I instantly felt better for what I was about to set in motion. Since then however, things have not been going so well. My decision to quit is still the right one, but I was hoping it would be the start of something better...and not a continuation of the emotional roller coaster I've been on recently. Seriously. One thing goes my way (seemingly), then it seems like the next two go the other way...then something even better happens...then something worse...its annoying.

I honestly have no idea what else to say right now. My head is swarming with so many things, that it's really hard to focus on this post and make it coherent. I need an outlet for what's going on in my head and as great as the ol' blog can be sometimes, it's far too public to really let loose with everything that's on my mind. And I have lots of great friends I can talk to, but some of them are too involved with some of the stuff and/or don't know enough to fully understand the problem. At best it would be a fragmented mess to try and talk to several different people about the variety of issues I'm trying to deal with internally. And don't get me wrong, it's nothing anyone need worry about. I'm not trying to freak people out or play the sympathy card, I'm just trying to let out what I can, with what I'm comfortable making available to any and everyone who reads this.

Hopefully these next two weeks at work will go by quickly and without incident...no major problems, no confrontations with coworkers, and nothing out of the ordinary from the customers. That would be ideal, but things rarely go "ideally" at the bank...so we'll see. I'm also excited to not have to pay rent next month...w00t. And I'm throwing a party before I move so that'll be fun...and then it's almost the 4th of July, which is always a good time. So maybe things are looking up...I just had to go through a rough week to realize it.

I think in the end I'm just a little scared of what's next because it's so up in the air and uncertain right now...which I don't like. I do feel like I'm in control though, which isn't always the case. Things are definitely moving along on my terms right now, which is a change because I typically worry more about taking care of others before I take care of myself. I guess it's finally time to look out for numero uno and do what's best for me. So in the words of my man E, "I can roll with the punches long as I feel like I'm in control" :)

Why straws?

The final straw.

The straw that broke the camel's back.

Who comes up with this stuff? Straws are also helpful in sucking a tasty beverage from a cup, can, bottle or capri sun pouch to your mouth. In the last scenario the straw is help even tho it sucks.

Not sure where I'm going with this straw imagery other than a poor attempt at something metaphorical and profound. Anyway...I am tired of continually working unsatisfying jobs. This week has quite possible produced what proves to be the final straw for my current job. We shall see...

The week started with training for the new system we're going to start using next week. Fine. Then I get word from my manager that (even tho I cleared time off when I was hired so I could go to San Fran this weekend) all employees are being required to work saturday and sunday this weekend. I was pissed but fine. That's just the way things go sometimes. Then today I'm informed I can no longer have anything personal at my workspace. Not even a whitworth pirate mug I'd been using to hold extra pens...in fact I can't even have extra pens or post it notes. WTH?!?!!

For whatever reason...after the "no personal items" talk I was no longer fine. I was ready to quit...the final straw if you will. It's funny that something so trivial is what will most likely end my working relationship with my current company but I've had enough. I'm too young...too capable...and too +awesome (hahaha) to stick with a job I hate and never saw myself staying with long term. I'm also no idiot.

So while I hate my job I realize this is the wrong time to quit a job without having something else lined up. Just means I'm going to finally put forth some real effort in finding a better job...something I would like...something that will challenge me but still be rewarding. I have no idea what that looks like but (possibly for the first time ever) I'm up for the challenge :)


-- iPhone'd

Faces of my banking past

As of 8:20 this morning (and including yesterday) I've seen four different people I used to work with or knew from training. I had no idea that coming to my new training would bring so many familiar faces my way.

My first chance encounter was my friend Mignon who I met in training several years ago. She also worked downstairs in the branch when I worked at the HLC. I see her occasionally (in fact we had lunch last week with another training friend Kirsten) though this was completely unexpected. On my morning break I went to Starbucks and she was just chillin' in a chair reading a book. She does work in the building but still...random.

Later, as I left the building for lunch, I ran into Lindsey (aka Lo). She joined us at the HLC as a 2nd receptionist to learn the ropes and then work at the satellite office. That satellite office was short lived as the HLCs were closed nationwide but it was still fun to have Lo in the office. What was even stranger was she had been on vacation for a week and a half and when I saw her was her first day back.

Then as I'm finishing up my conversation with Lo, my friend Mohsin (aka Mo) comes out of the building. I haven't seen him in far too long. Met him in training and he is awesome. It's hard to explain just how great Mo is but if you meet him, even for a few minutes, you understand. Jacey does and he only saw Mo for about two minutes. I also love how Mo refers to me as the craziest white boy he knows. Amazing.

Then this morning I ran into my old Op Sup, Teri, again in Starbucks. I never really liked Teri when we worked together but I played nice and made small talk. I heard she left the company but I guess she is an asst manager now. Hood for her...bad for her coworkers. Pwned!!! Or something. Super weird to run into her but kind of funny too.

Finally the guy I've been sitting next to in training used to wok for Nd knows my old boss Gregg. So weird but that's kind of how this comspny works. Everyone knows everyone it seems like, at least in Seattle. Made for a fun two days at least. Ok time to finish up class!


-- iPhone'd