c'est la vie

i don't speak french...save for a few more-or-less useless phrases like "you are my little cabbage head." i am however, familiar with the french phrase c'est la vie, which translates as "that's life." a rather simple phrase that is often used to some up complex situations and/or feelings in an easy way. and typically you really have no control over the situation...it's just the way it is...and that's life. yep. if you've read this blog enough you probably know that my generalities almost always relate directly to something with me, and this lesson in french is no different.

i'm struggling to get this out of my head, organized and coherent for people to read without making it sound like a pity party. that's not what i'm looking for and that's not the point of this at all. this is a way for me to get my thoughts out, to think about and sort through them in a constructive way. so, having said that and to steal a phrase that's probably not really applicable, why always the bridesmaid and never the bride? yes. i just said that. not a perfect metaphor, but the right idea so i'll explain. not to say i haven't had my successes, but more times than i'd like to recount, i'm the guy that the ladies think is a great friend, but don't want to date. and it's never something i did or didn't do, but "the spark" just isn't there. i've never doubted the sincerity of these talks, for they've all felt very genuine, but it was something i didn't do...i didn't deliver "the spark." why can't i deliver that spark?

i have before...at least i think i have. granted i've broken up with all the girlfriends i've had, but based on the reactions at the time of those talks, it seems like "the spark" was there. that sounds awful to actually say, but you know what i mean? if that spark wasn't there, then breaking up wouldn't have been so hard to do...or hard to take, right? i just don't know. i do tho that the last two girls i've been into have had the "you're great, but i don't want to date you" talk. both times i sensed it was coming but it sucked nonetheless. i do appreciate the honesty tho. i really do. sadly i've lost touch with the first, but i think that's mostly because she was ready to be done with seattle and i moved away so our common ground of seattle was fleeting. most recently it all came to be and came to an end quickly. because of my lack of luck i didn't let myself get too excited, but it was hard to contain it completely. rather quickly tho i felt that all too familiar change in the air, and knew something wasn't quite right. i was right. damn. thankfully tho, her upfrontness and honesty will definitely save our friendship. so essentially no harm no foul.

now i didn't share all this to make these women feel bad if they read this. not at all. i wish them no ill-will or anything like that. i simply was using personal examples to illustrate my point that this has happened to me...both recently and in the past. and while it's true that it's nothing i did or didn't do...i'm the one who didn't deliver that spark. maybe it was never supposed to be there, so i never had a fighting chance...maybe the timing was wrong, either i missed my chance or it's still yet to come...maybe the spark is there but i just haven't met the right woman yet. i just don't know. and not knowing. is. the worst. i guess that's what's so funny and so great about love...you can't always make sense of it. when it's not right, it's just not right no matter how perfect it may seem "on paper." adversely tho, when it is right (and maybe this is the sappy romantic in me but...), that spark will be evident and make it so worth the ups and downs that lead you to her.

i was going to end it there but something funny just happened. as i sat down to blog i was thinking about the phrase c'est la vie and it's english translation. that's life. i happen to know and own a song by Michael Bublé called "That's Life." I listened to it and pulled this quote out from the start of the song...

"that's life. that's what all the people say. ridin' high in april. shot down in may. i know i'm gonna change that tune...when i'm back on top in june. i say that's life. as funny as that may seem."

after listening to the song i decided to listen to the album from the start and have had it playing while i typed away. just as i finished my last thought about "the spark" and how it's worth waiting for, "that's life" came on again and i couldn't help but laugh to myself. i don't necessarily believe in fate, but i don't really believe in coincidences either. so that song coming on at that exact moment it did...too perfect.

Superstarbucks

Oh the joys of not having a car. I currently find myself sitting at the Starbucks across the parking lot from work. No car meant getting dropped off at work today and therefore must wait for a ride home. No big deal (nbd) because it did give me a chance to get a refill on my iced black tea and dust off the ol' mobile blogging app on my phone. So there's the starbucks explanation from the title.

Huh? I thought the title was Superstarbucks? Truth. Also true is this fun math puzzle - superstar + starbucks = superstarbucks. Ohhhh...I get it now! The superstaryness of this math problem relates to work where outstandingness is rewarded with being named superstar of the month. I was not named this...yet. I have been working a lot this week tho, working closely with management and working my butt off. I also just interviewed for a promotion to become the replenishment supervisor. Turns out it's even more important of a position than I had thought, even tho I did realize just how crucial this role is in the general functioning and success of the store. All that and it's reallly only a part time position! I do feel really good about my chances about getting the job since one of the asst. managers told me I should apply and I clicked well with the interim manager who did the interview.

So this would definitely qualify as me getting off my ass and not being so lazy. That and putting in a 40 hour work week for the first time since the end of June. Feels good to be pushig forward and challenging myself rather than staying in my comfortable little bubble. Guess we'll just have to wait and see if this newfound application of myself will pay immediate dividends. In the meantime...Sounders FC on Saturday!!!


-- iPhone'd

the good life

i spent my entire sunday being lazy. i watched a lot of football and just laid low. it was nice. to finish off my lazy sunday i watched a movie. the good life. there may be several movies with this title, as it seems like a fairly common name, but this one dealt with life in a football crazy town in nebraska. crazy about a fictional college football team, tho i think it was set in lincoln, which is where the real-life university of nebraska is located...and where college football is HUGE.

i enjoyed the movie on it's own accord, but as usual, found the theme of the movie somewhat applicable in my life. lately i've been focusing on all the bad things that have come my way. it all started with my decision to leave seattle, and move back to my hometown. really not too far away, but far enough to make regular visits a hassle. when i made this decision, my roommate and i were not getting along and had decided to go our separate ways when our lease was up at the end of june. this was probably at some point in early june. simultaneously, i was unhappy at work. i liked the people i worked with, but i hated the job itself. so as part of the decision to move, i would leave my job when i left seattle. when june finally came to an end, i was unemployed and living back in my hometown with my brother. soon after i got a part time retail job. i like the people i work with, but the more i'm there, and thus the more i learn about the company, the more i don't like the job and the direction/decisions/overall quality of the workplace. and about a month after i moved, my car broke down...and was far too expensive to fix so no more car. about a month after that, i was forced to move out of my brother's place and having no other option, had to move back home. i am greatful to have that option, but after living on my own in seattle for the past three years, it felt a little like i had failed...which is my worst fear.

ok. that kind of got mopey and depressing and that's not the point of this post. i did however, need to convey just how crummy my situation was. even as i typed that, i realized my situation really isn't that bad. i do have a job, a house to live in, my overall health, and all my basic needs are met...but that's why i said crummy and not something more dramatic or unrealistic (ie "omg my life sucks more than anyone's ever"...or something to that effect). so really not that bad, but crummy. agreed?

now on to my point.

i've been focusing on all the bad stuff. putting on my happy face, when really i was probably having more of a personal pity party...and yes i tried to use as many "p" words as possible. bam...another! the movie i just watched, the good life, ends on a very positive note (it's a gift...i can't help how these "p" words just keep popping up). instead of choosing to focus on the negativity, the protagonist ends the movie with this monologue...

...[in reference to all the bad things in life] but it's not pain. it's laughing with a friend at a time when you know you shouldn't. it's the sweat in your palms wanting to know someone you see...and the pit in your stomach when they actually see you. it's being touched by hands that aren't your own. it's the thrill of an escape that almost wasn't. it's the embarassment you feel, naked for the first time. it's helping a friend find something they lost. it's a smile, a joke, a song. it's what someone does that they like doing. it's what someone does that they like remembering. it's the thinking of things you may never do...and the doing of things you may never have thought. it's the road ahead and the road behind. it's the first step. and the last. and every one in between...because they all make up the good life.

so i'm making a conscious effort to stop dwelling on how things went wrong. or why things are so bad now. or any of that glass have empty nonsense. i've never thought of myself as an optimist, always claimed to be more of a realist...seeing things how they actually are (whether good or bad), but i'm going to start focusing on the good. the things that make me smile and laugh, the people that make me happy, the memories i cherish and those i've still yet to make, the things i have and not the things i don't, the love and support of my family and the idea that is anything is possible.

i guess then, that today is day one. the first day of my new, positive outlook in an otherwise crummy situation. it's also going to be the last day of sitting on my ass all day, doing nothing and being so lazy. doesn't mean i'm going to be go-go-go all the time, but no more of this "wait and see" or "maybe tomorrow" crap i keep feeding myself. i've always heard that if you want change, you have to start with yourself, because nobody else is going to do it for you. accordingly, i've also heard that you should follow the advice you give to others.

i guess we'll have to wait and see :)

but these feelings won't go away...they've been knockin' me sideways

"sideways" -citizen cope

really good song.

for some reason i don't much feel like using proper capitalization. so i'm not going to. i'm also, apparently, going to end end sentences with prepositions. hope you can handle it ;)

so, as is customary with me, i just finished a movie and i'm feeling quite pensive and reflective...tho this subject has been troubling me for some time. i guess the movie was the final push to get it in the blog. i just watched sex and the city: the movie, or whatever it's actually called. i've seen the whole series and figured i should probably see the movie too. (pause for reaction.) yes. i've watched every episode, and now movie, of sex and the city. they are witty, funny and entertaining.

moving on...

lately i've been thinking a lot about love...and whether or not i've ever been in love. two weddings in eight days and a movie all about love will do that to you. and if not to you, then it definitely has done it to me. love seems to be one of those emotions, at least being in love, that you can't really pinpoint until it happens to you. it's a very personal experience. i mean, i see it all around me...both in movies and in real life, but i'm not sure if i know the feeling personally.

i've never been the type to date a lot of women. in fact, i'm very much a monogamous, one woman at a time type of guy. i can't even really "like" more than one person at once. it's the way i'm wired. i mean, i have my multiple little crushes and "oh she's cute" here and there, but once i really start to like someone, i only have eyes for them. when i'm in a committed relationship, this quality suits me well...tho it makes me susceptible to heartache as well. me and my recently pointed out passionate-ness.

in addition, i've only had four relationships. the first was in high school and lasted roughly 13 months. the longest one by far, but i think i was still too young to really understand it all...at least at the time. the next was my senior year of college, lasting a month. followed by another at the end of my senior year, lasting only a month and a half. the last, and most recent, lasted about six months. all very different, and from all of them i've learned things and tried to apply what i've learned in my next relationship. tried to at least.

i don't think i was in love in my first relationship...i don't even think i knew what love really was yet. i cared about her a lot tho. a lot. i'm not sure, but i seem to recall she liked me and from there we started dating. i obviously did like her too, but it wasn't a situation where i pursued her...at least not very hard because she already liked me. this is how i remember it anyway. she's also the only one i've been able to stay friends with. she still means a lot to me...tho i don't see her nearly as often as i used to...and so does her family. i recently ran into her sisters. it was a very pleasant surprise and made me realize i hadn't seen them in a long time. life happens tho. for everyone. and when we broke up, it was hard to maintain an ongoing relationship with her, let alone her family. like i've said before, life gets in the way of life.

my next relationship only lasted a month. she was someone i had a little crush on, and liked for awhile but then she started dating one of my friends so i was like...oh well. then one random night we were hanging out with some friends and she and i were the only two in my room. a few joking and sarcastic comments later and we were kissing. what?! still not sure how that all came to be. that relationship fizzled out quickly tho. she was a lot of fun, but i didn't want to date her anymore. she said i started acting differently but hoped it would get better. at least she wasn't too surprised...or something. i've talked to her very little since, and know i wasn't in love.

later that school year my housemates and i hosted a toga party. he hosted lots of parties, but i remember this one being different because i didn't see as many familiar faces. i ended up talking with a friend of a friend. one of those situations where you know who the other is, but really don't know each other at all. i did always think she was cute tho. so we talked for awhile, drank beer and probably danced some too. after awhile tho, our togas were just getting to be more hassle than they were worth. so we ducked into my room real quick, so i could change and she could take off her toga (she has jeans and a t-shirt on underneath...perverts). i changed in my closet and when i came out, we kissed. again, not sure how it happened but it did. i guess that room was just magic. so we started dating and at graduation i met her family and she met my mine...at least my dad. not sure why only him tho...maybe...idk. then it got to the point where i didn't want to date her anymore. nothing "happened," i just got to that point...again. she didn't see it coming tho, so where the time before it was no big deal, this time it was. she was upset. so we haven't talked at all since, and i'm pretty certain i wasn't in love with her. i sometimes wonder tho why i got to that point. she was great. of all my relationships, this is the only one where i'm not sure why we broke up.

my most recent relationship was probably the most "real" relationship i had. i say that because i was too young in high school to fully understand dating and what it means to be in a relationship. we actually met freshman year of college in writing 101. first day of class we were paired together for a writing assignment. i thought she was super cute. we weren't really friends, because we never really hung out, but we knew each other. sophomore year i tried to ask her out to a movie, i think, over instant messenger (bad idea!) and she kind of freaked out. how could i like her, and want to ask her out, when i didn't even know her very well, if really at all!?!

we hung out the summer before our senior year, with a mutual friend, but nothing came of it dating wise. this mutual friend tho, is one of her best friends. this mutual friend also ended up marrying one of my good friends from high school. at that wedding, we talked and hung out at the reception, having not seen in other in quite some time. we traded numbers and decided to hang out more often, on purpose, rather than randomly when our friends get married. after a few months of "hanging out" we realized we really had been dating and were now in a relationship. i met her family, they were great. she met mine. she got along really well with my sister, which was great. it all seemed to be going well. really well. we went to vegas with her sister and her boyfriend. all the while tho, my friends weren't sold on her. i said it was because they didn't know her yet.

then i got to the point of "i don't want to date her anymore." this time tho, i stopped and really thought about things before acting upon my emotions. i decided that maybe i get to that point too quickly without knowing why or trying to fix what caused me to think that. a week or so later we broke up. again, for the fourth time, i broke it off. i expected her to be upset, but she lashed out with more of a personal attack on my character which i wasn't ready for. still not sure why that happened, if it was all just part of her being upset but that stung. i knew i wasn't a "terrible person" but was i a "terrible boyfriend?" i've not dated anyone since, so i don't know for sure. i don't think i am, but that's one of those things where it's really hard to judge yourself. again, we don't speak. we see each other about once a year when our mutual friend has a get-together and we're both invited. it's cordial but we generally stay clear of the other. don't think i was in love with her. i did try to give it another chance, when i thought it was over, but the fact that it ended so soon after that leads me to think it wasn't love. plus i didn't ever wonder why i broke it off, and don't miss her. i don't say that to be mean, but i would think i would long, and ache for someone if i had been in love with them.

ok so wow. i just detailed my relationships and why i don't think i was in love with any of them. i didn't mean to do that. i meant to talk about love and whether or not i've truly been in love.

i was reading this book once about the languages of love. there are five. and how we all feel loved in different ways. it talked about how love feels too. how you wake up and think of that one person, and how they're the last thought you have before you fall asleep. and how it hurts when the love is unrequited...not returned? i know what i mean, even if i can't spell it correctly. so using what i read in this book, along with my prior relationships and how i've felt recently...i think i may have been in love. or if it wasn't...it was a lot like love.

or maybe she's just the one that got away...tho doesn't that, in itself, imply greater feeling than just liking someone? rawr. i don't know. i do know that i was really, really, really into this girl for almost a full year...ok maybe 8-10 months. we never dated. never went on a date. we were just friends, hung out in groups a lot, and occasionally would hang out just the two of us. i never made a move because, all circumstances considered, waiting felt like it was the best option for moving from a friendship to a worthwhile dating relationship. maybe i missed my opportunity to take my shot, and if i did...i have no idea where it was. needless to say she was really hard to get over. by far the hardest girl to let go of. i've liked girls in the past, for months on end, and then i just realize it's not going to go anywhere and move on...but this girl was different. i kept waiting, and waiting for "the right time" to arrive...

i started to see her less and less. at first it was intentional because we got into a fight over something trivial. then i didn't see her for even longer for no apparent reason. it was in this time i eventually got over her. i tried previously, tried like hell, but to no avail. so i finally was over her and while this was happening i made friends with a new girl. we shared a mutual friend and that's how we met...or met for real. i'm sure we had met while in college, but we didn't "know" each other. anyway...i asked her out on a date. it went really well. and surprisingly i was really into her...to mean after what i had just put myself through with this other girl, i was surprised at how quickly i was "back up on the horse." we kept hanging out, but didn't go on another date. then after a few weeks we had the DTR (determine the relationship (talk)) where she told me i was great, but she didn't want to date me. i kind of thought that was coming but was hoping for something else. oh well.

so now i'm over the first girl, and have just been let down gently by a new girl. over both at this point. then i learn the first girl has a boyfriend now. what!?!?! i was over her, i thought, but definitely not ready for her to be dating someone else. then it bothered me, that this news bothered me so much. i was over her...wasn't i? ahhhh!!!!! that was a month or so ago, maybe a little longer, and so i figured by now it wouldn't bother me. wrong. anytime i come across her facebook and see all the cute and lovey messages between them, i have to close the web page. i can't look at it. it hurts to see someone else getting to do what i never got to.

i maintain i'm not into her anymore and i really feel that is the truth...at least i'm not actively pursuing her like before. so what are these feelings? love? was i in love? i don't know for sure because i never got to test my feelings. and i won't know. if it wasn't tho, it sure felt a lot like love...at least what i think love should feel like. all i know is these feelings keep knocking me sideways...so much so that i can't make sense of it all. and honestly, as much as being shut down totally blows, not knowing (what your own feelings mean and not knowing hers) is even worse.

not everyone will be able to make sense of this, and that's ok. i think i've made my feelings clear, and really i just needed to let this out because it's been bouncing around in my head for too long. as with the last post tho, i wonder what will happen if the person i'm talking about reads this. i don't think this girl has any idea just how into her i was, unless someone else told her, because i never laid it all out like this. i tried. sort of...twice. i wrote letters that i never delivered. maybe they were just therapeutic to write, but when i saw her, to give her these letters, the timing never felt right. maybe that was for the best, maybe it was just never meant to be but it feels like she's the one that got away. and that hurts...to say and to feel it to be true.

It's like taking a guess...when the only answer is yes

I'm stealing this idea from my friend Carly (as she has done this on her blog) but since hearing this line prompted me to finally sit down and blog...I felt it was an appropriate title. The title of this entry is taken from the song "A Beautiful Mess" by Jason Mraz off We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how life often gets in the way of friendships, relationships and keeping them going...how even the most important people somehow end up as just a fond memory in your past. I've been told, and recently come to really understand it to be true, that I'm a very passionate person when I know what I want. All too often tho, for me, I don't know what I want and so that passion sits dormant and unused. When it comes to people though, whether they are a new relationship (in any capacity) or a dear old friend, that passion is always there...if I like you.

Now these relationships come in all different shapes and sizes, but the passion is always there. When I meet someone new, who I'd like to see again, I make it happen...whether it means asking her out on a date, grabbing a drink with a new work buddy, or agreeing to help you move in the snow and ice. Unfortunately these newly forming relationships don't always stick...or fizzle into a "we see each other every once in awhile" type thing.

***Whenever I sit down to blog I rarely have it all thought out...I generally just have a general idea of what I want to say and go at it. For that reason I often to get to a point where I'm not sure what to say next, or I can only go on speaking in generalities with vague references to real people/events for so long before I get to the point I'm at now...how personal do I want to get? I very rarely get as specific as I'd like because I know my friends read this...and sometimes I don't want to single them out...because that's not my intention. For me blogging is therapeutic, but since its a very public forum, I can't always let everything out that I want to...without consequences anyway. So this is a little glimpse into what I'm actually thinking right now, a little sneak peak or "behind the scenes" look me and my blog.***

Another factor, and probably the reason I'm blogging about this, is moving. When you build a life, make friends, work, play, etc in a city, it's extremely difficult to maintain your relationships well...especially when you quit your job and move 30 miles up the freeway to a town that doesn't exactly warrant people coming to see you. I honestly thought I'd be down in Seattle more often. My friends are there, my favorite places to eat, drink & play are there...but I've only been down there once, and I really only made it to Shoreline/Edmonds. Real hard to keep relationships going when you don't see each other. I've really enjoyed being back in my hometown though. More than I thought I would. I enjoy seeing my family more often, and life just seems to move a little bit slower...which is incredibly enjoyable. I think I can attribute most of that "slower" feeling to not working tho.

So maybe I've reached a metaphorical fork in the road. Do I pursue employment and start putting down roots again up here in my hometown, or do I get more serious about moving back down to Seattle and starting up again with a new job down there? I don't have an answer to that right now, but I miss Seattle...and all my friends there. I really wanted to head down tonight and see who was free but forgot I don't have a car right now. It decided to stop working last weekend as I was driving on the freeway. Yep...died while going 65 mph on I-5! Luckily I was able to pull off onto the shoulder, get a ride to a nearby friend's house, get my car towed there, and have since towed the car back up here to have it looked at...but still...not having a car is terribly inconvenient.

...but I digress. As I always seem to :)

It's almost 3am now, and about three days since I started this post...and I only mention the time because I napped for too long earlier today and can't sleep now. When I started this, my intention was to talk about specific relationships that have changed as life "got in the way" or rather progressed for others more than it did for me. And of those relationships I had in mind (warning - this is about to cross that line from generalities to specifics), the one I miss the most...the person I miss the most...is Goldie Bear. I just had his real name typed in, then decided a nickname was better. Not sure why tho. That relationship has changed over the years from classmates, to friends, to roommates, to someone I considered my best friend...and now I rarely see him and talk to him even less.

I can pinpoint when this relationship started to change...and it all happened rather quickly and without much time to digest the changes before something new was weaving itself into the mix. My emotions have roller coastered their way up, down, around, back and forth, but I always get them in check whenever I get the chance to see him. I put on my happy face, like everything is happy-go-lucky, because its easier on both of us that way. He has more on his plate right now than I have ever known, and don't want to add any undue stress. I'm extremely happy for him tho, as he just recently welcomed his first child into the world...his beautiful baby girl. I can see the undying love he has for her, and by the way she snuggles up to him (even if he claims its because she's hungry and doesn't know he can't help here there), it's clear she's daddy's little girl.

So to tie this all in to the title of the blog..."it's like taking a guess, when the only answer is yes." Although out relationship has changed, how much I care hasn't. I've tried to tell him this, since things started to change, but I'm not sure if it came off as genuine or if he really understood just how much he meant, and still means, to me. There have been times when I wanted to give up on the relationship and not care about being a part of his life as life "got in the way" of our friendship. In the end tho, those were just fleeting, confused emotions. I'm a passionate person, especially to those closest to me...and despite recent changes, there's only answer to the question here: do I still care about, and want to repair/maintain my relationship with Goldie Bear?

(Absolutely) yes.