My feet are cold

Maybe you could say I have cold feet. Quite literally though, at this very moment, my feet are freezing. I wasn't sure what to title this and in my search for a title I suddenly became aware of how cold my feet were...then I laughed because the idea of "cold feet" can definitely be applied to my life right now.

I had a rough April.

My roommate informed me he had an offer to move out, but wasn't sure if he was going to move. At the time I had a strong feeling he would move, so when he told me he was indeed moving out I wasn't really surprised. I couldn't afford to live in the apartment by myself, so I needed to find somewhere else to live. My options were very limited, as most of my friends were not looking for a roommate, or were married...and not looking for a roommate. My only real option meant moving back home to live with my mother and sister. Not a bad option, because I love my family and know I can always rely on them in times of need, but home is 35 miles away from Seattle and all my friends there. Not too far, but I don't have a car.

A week or two later, my girlfriend broke up with me. I knew something was up, but figured we would talk about it and work it out. So I was incredibly surprised when we broke up. We had only been together for two months or so, but as a a romantic and someone who wears his heart and emotions on his sleeve, it hurt. This was also the first time I had ever been broken up with. No bueno. I knew it wouldn't be easy to deal with, but wasn't prepared just how hard it was going to be...and how much it was going to hurt. We're still friends, and I don't see that changing but it's been that much harder to get over her when we work together.

Speaking of work, an opportunity for a promotion came my way in mid-April. Right after I knew my roommate was moving out, right in the middle of the awkwardness with the girlfriend, and right before we broke up. I needed a win, and this felt like it was going to be it. I didn't feel great about my interview, but not because of anything I did. It felt like I was being rushed out of the building, like "hey thanks for coming in, but we've already made up our mind to give the job to someone else." Then I thought maybe the manager just wanted to beat the traffic, because he mentioned how he misses traffic, but only if he leaves by a certain time. Not quite a week later, I get a call, at work, from the store manager. I work retail, so I felt that calling me at work was pretty unprofessional. He said I interviewed very well and I am absolutely ready for take on the responsibility of the promotion...but he was going with a different candidate. WHAT!?!

So like I said...April was definitely sub-par.

We're almost a week into May now, and while this month is going much better, I feel like I'm still in a funk...or something. I don't know quite how to articulate it. I need to find a new job. I enjoy parts of my job, and really like most of the people there; I've even found a group of co-workers that I think of as my work family because they're that awesome. Even so, my job doesn't challenge me, doesn't pay me enough and has me working hours that are all over the place...but such is the nature of working retail.

And now we tie in the title :) I'm scared to put myself out there...and always have been. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I'm still pretty guarded. I know I'm capable of doing so much more with myself professionally, but I'm scared of putting myself out there and hearing no, or hearing yes and failing. That most recent "no" was the third one in the past 10 months for moving up to the next level with my current employer. My most recent apartment in Seattle was preceded by almost a year living at home, and now I'm back again. I need a change...I need to be the change I want to see in my own life...but I have cold feet.

May is going better, but I want better than better. Maybe it's too much to take on all at once...a new job, moving back out on my own, buying (affording) a car, finding that special someone...but I'm hoping to use these next few weeks/months to start making some small steps that will pay out big dividends.

yo damn!

I haven't posted in almost a year and a half. In the immortal words of Joey Russo, "Whoa!"

I hope to dust ye olde blog off with a proper post here soon but for now I'll just leave you to google that Joey Russo reference if for nothing else to watch a clip of it :)

c'est la vie

i don't speak french...save for a few more-or-less useless phrases like "you are my little cabbage head." i am however, familiar with the french phrase c'est la vie, which translates as "that's life." a rather simple phrase that is often used to some up complex situations and/or feelings in an easy way. and typically you really have no control over the situation...it's just the way it is...and that's life. yep. if you've read this blog enough you probably know that my generalities almost always relate directly to something with me, and this lesson in french is no different.

i'm struggling to get this out of my head, organized and coherent for people to read without making it sound like a pity party. that's not what i'm looking for and that's not the point of this at all. this is a way for me to get my thoughts out, to think about and sort through them in a constructive way. so, having said that and to steal a phrase that's probably not really applicable, why always the bridesmaid and never the bride? yes. i just said that. not a perfect metaphor, but the right idea so i'll explain. not to say i haven't had my successes, but more times than i'd like to recount, i'm the guy that the ladies think is a great friend, but don't want to date. and it's never something i did or didn't do, but "the spark" just isn't there. i've never doubted the sincerity of these talks, for they've all felt very genuine, but it was something i didn't do...i didn't deliver "the spark." why can't i deliver that spark?

i have before...at least i think i have. granted i've broken up with all the girlfriends i've had, but based on the reactions at the time of those talks, it seems like "the spark" was there. that sounds awful to actually say, but you know what i mean? if that spark wasn't there, then breaking up wouldn't have been so hard to do...or hard to take, right? i just don't know. i do tho that the last two girls i've been into have had the "you're great, but i don't want to date you" talk. both times i sensed it was coming but it sucked nonetheless. i do appreciate the honesty tho. i really do. sadly i've lost touch with the first, but i think that's mostly because she was ready to be done with seattle and i moved away so our common ground of seattle was fleeting. most recently it all came to be and came to an end quickly. because of my lack of luck i didn't let myself get too excited, but it was hard to contain it completely. rather quickly tho i felt that all too familiar change in the air, and knew something wasn't quite right. i was right. damn. thankfully tho, her upfrontness and honesty will definitely save our friendship. so essentially no harm no foul.

now i didn't share all this to make these women feel bad if they read this. not at all. i wish them no ill-will or anything like that. i simply was using personal examples to illustrate my point that this has happened to me...both recently and in the past. and while it's true that it's nothing i did or didn't do...i'm the one who didn't deliver that spark. maybe it was never supposed to be there, so i never had a fighting chance...maybe the timing was wrong, either i missed my chance or it's still yet to come...maybe the spark is there but i just haven't met the right woman yet. i just don't know. and not knowing. is. the worst. i guess that's what's so funny and so great about love...you can't always make sense of it. when it's not right, it's just not right no matter how perfect it may seem "on paper." adversely tho, when it is right (and maybe this is the sappy romantic in me but...), that spark will be evident and make it so worth the ups and downs that lead you to her.

i was going to end it there but something funny just happened. as i sat down to blog i was thinking about the phrase c'est la vie and it's english translation. that's life. i happen to know and own a song by Michael Bublé called "That's Life." I listened to it and pulled this quote out from the start of the song...

"that's life. that's what all the people say. ridin' high in april. shot down in may. i know i'm gonna change that tune...when i'm back on top in june. i say that's life. as funny as that may seem."

after listening to the song i decided to listen to the album from the start and have had it playing while i typed away. just as i finished my last thought about "the spark" and how it's worth waiting for, "that's life" came on again and i couldn't help but laugh to myself. i don't necessarily believe in fate, but i don't really believe in coincidences either. so that song coming on at that exact moment it did...too perfect.

Superstarbucks

Oh the joys of not having a car. I currently find myself sitting at the Starbucks across the parking lot from work. No car meant getting dropped off at work today and therefore must wait for a ride home. No big deal (nbd) because it did give me a chance to get a refill on my iced black tea and dust off the ol' mobile blogging app on my phone. So there's the starbucks explanation from the title.

Huh? I thought the title was Superstarbucks? Truth. Also true is this fun math puzzle - superstar + starbucks = superstarbucks. Ohhhh...I get it now! The superstaryness of this math problem relates to work where outstandingness is rewarded with being named superstar of the month. I was not named this...yet. I have been working a lot this week tho, working closely with management and working my butt off. I also just interviewed for a promotion to become the replenishment supervisor. Turns out it's even more important of a position than I had thought, even tho I did realize just how crucial this role is in the general functioning and success of the store. All that and it's reallly only a part time position! I do feel really good about my chances about getting the job since one of the asst. managers told me I should apply and I clicked well with the interim manager who did the interview.

So this would definitely qualify as me getting off my ass and not being so lazy. That and putting in a 40 hour work week for the first time since the end of June. Feels good to be pushig forward and challenging myself rather than staying in my comfortable little bubble. Guess we'll just have to wait and see if this newfound application of myself will pay immediate dividends. In the meantime...Sounders FC on Saturday!!!


-- iPhone'd

the good life

i spent my entire sunday being lazy. i watched a lot of football and just laid low. it was nice. to finish off my lazy sunday i watched a movie. the good life. there may be several movies with this title, as it seems like a fairly common name, but this one dealt with life in a football crazy town in nebraska. crazy about a fictional college football team, tho i think it was set in lincoln, which is where the real-life university of nebraska is located...and where college football is HUGE.

i enjoyed the movie on it's own accord, but as usual, found the theme of the movie somewhat applicable in my life. lately i've been focusing on all the bad things that have come my way. it all started with my decision to leave seattle, and move back to my hometown. really not too far away, but far enough to make regular visits a hassle. when i made this decision, my roommate and i were not getting along and had decided to go our separate ways when our lease was up at the end of june. this was probably at some point in early june. simultaneously, i was unhappy at work. i liked the people i worked with, but i hated the job itself. so as part of the decision to move, i would leave my job when i left seattle. when june finally came to an end, i was unemployed and living back in my hometown with my brother. soon after i got a part time retail job. i like the people i work with, but the more i'm there, and thus the more i learn about the company, the more i don't like the job and the direction/decisions/overall quality of the workplace. and about a month after i moved, my car broke down...and was far too expensive to fix so no more car. about a month after that, i was forced to move out of my brother's place and having no other option, had to move back home. i am greatful to have that option, but after living on my own in seattle for the past three years, it felt a little like i had failed...which is my worst fear.

ok. that kind of got mopey and depressing and that's not the point of this post. i did however, need to convey just how crummy my situation was. even as i typed that, i realized my situation really isn't that bad. i do have a job, a house to live in, my overall health, and all my basic needs are met...but that's why i said crummy and not something more dramatic or unrealistic (ie "omg my life sucks more than anyone's ever"...or something to that effect). so really not that bad, but crummy. agreed?

now on to my point.

i've been focusing on all the bad stuff. putting on my happy face, when really i was probably having more of a personal pity party...and yes i tried to use as many "p" words as possible. bam...another! the movie i just watched, the good life, ends on a very positive note (it's a gift...i can't help how these "p" words just keep popping up). instead of choosing to focus on the negativity, the protagonist ends the movie with this monologue...

...[in reference to all the bad things in life] but it's not pain. it's laughing with a friend at a time when you know you shouldn't. it's the sweat in your palms wanting to know someone you see...and the pit in your stomach when they actually see you. it's being touched by hands that aren't your own. it's the thrill of an escape that almost wasn't. it's the embarassment you feel, naked for the first time. it's helping a friend find something they lost. it's a smile, a joke, a song. it's what someone does that they like doing. it's what someone does that they like remembering. it's the thinking of things you may never do...and the doing of things you may never have thought. it's the road ahead and the road behind. it's the first step. and the last. and every one in between...because they all make up the good life.

so i'm making a conscious effort to stop dwelling on how things went wrong. or why things are so bad now. or any of that glass have empty nonsense. i've never thought of myself as an optimist, always claimed to be more of a realist...seeing things how they actually are (whether good or bad), but i'm going to start focusing on the good. the things that make me smile and laugh, the people that make me happy, the memories i cherish and those i've still yet to make, the things i have and not the things i don't, the love and support of my family and the idea that is anything is possible.

i guess then, that today is day one. the first day of my new, positive outlook in an otherwise crummy situation. it's also going to be the last day of sitting on my ass all day, doing nothing and being so lazy. doesn't mean i'm going to be go-go-go all the time, but no more of this "wait and see" or "maybe tomorrow" crap i keep feeding myself. i've always heard that if you want change, you have to start with yourself, because nobody else is going to do it for you. accordingly, i've also heard that you should follow the advice you give to others.

i guess we'll have to wait and see :)